2 Strategies For Dealing With Your Emotions Before And After Sex In A New Relationship

Sex in a new relationship can be equal parts thrilling and nerve-wracking. There’s all the emotions beforehand – the giddiness and the excitement, the longing to get close and intimate with the person in mind – and the nervousness of what sex will be like, what it might mean and how it possibly could transform your relationship. To put it shortly; there are a lot of emotions before and after sex with a new partner.

Here are two strategies for dealing with these emotions.

1. Hear your feelings

This might sound a bit woo-woo, but it’s actually based in science. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own feelings that they’re difficult to make sense of. By hearing your feelings you can more easily disentangle them from one another and understand what you need.

As explained in depth in this blog post about emotions and sex, our feelings aren’t just more or less pleasant states of being. They’re actually compasses – that let us know what we need if we listen to them.

For example, if you know you’re disappointed in yourself because you didn’t perform the way you think you should have sexually, and understand that the emotion you’re feeling at its most basic level is sadness, you can communicate your sadness to your partner.  

Feeling sad is an emotion with a strong evolutionarily biological motive to help us connect with and lean on others. If we for example had an orgasm quicker than we wish we’d had, or experienced difficulties orgasming at all, communicating this will help us move through the sadness and feel happier. It also helps us have better sex – which is what strategy number two is all about.

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2. Talk, talk, talk

If you’re feeling nervous about perhaps not being able to get an erection or know you have difficulty orgasming during sex – let your partner know about this beforehand.

By talking to your sex partner about the likelihood of looming sexual difficulties, you’ll both remove the pressure you feel in relation to the issue and your partner won’t be worrying about doing a bad job when you actually have sex.

Once the pressure is removed you’re also less likely to experience the problem you’re worrying about happening!

By talking about sex, discussing preferences or difficulties, you’ll be setting yourselves up for a great sex life.

When you don’t talk you’re both dependent on the social norms that govern our sexuality. These norms may differ depending on your sexual identity – for example for heterosexual couples the norm is usually something that looks like this: ‘foreplay’ followed by vaginal penetration and orgasms.

This might be exactly what you like, but perhaps your new partner doesn’t enjoy vaginal penetration that much, or can only orgasm from oral sex alone.

When you actually talk about what you like and dislike, you’re not only sharing valuable information which will likely make the sex better when you have it, you’re also doing something that could potentially turn you both on – and lead to sex. You can find more in this blog post about communication in your relationship and how it can improve your sex life.

This in turn can lead to them “turning off” or distancing themselves from their new partner.

When we distance ourselves we might create confusion and conflict. If this is you, it’s important to let your partner know that sex triggers a lot of emotions.

By telling them how you feel and what you need in order to feel safe, you’re increasing the likelihood of getting what you need.

For some it’s as simple as a cuddle and for others it’s about talking or making sure you have plenty of down time together. This may be especially important if you’re engaging in BDSM sex as playing with power dynamics tends to spark more intense emotions.

Talking about sex and communicating your emotions before and after sex are two great strategies for dealing with your feelings. It might feel daunting at first and perhaps it’s something that’s completely new for you to do. But by giving these strategies a chance you’ll be on your way to a better sex life in your new relationship!