Do I Need To Reset My Expectations? What Is Considered A High Sex Drive In Women?

As a sex therapist and coach, I regularly see clients who have all manner of questions about sex and relationships. One of the more common ones is “what is considered a high sex drive in women?”. 

This question is interesting for several reasons; one, it tells me the person asking the question believes there’s something wrong with them or their partner. And two; it makes me wonder why this question is important to them.

What is Considered a High Sex Drive in Women? It Depends.

When it comes to sex drive, people are different. Period. Some practically live for sex and use it as a way to decompress and get close, while others feel sex is like a chore or something that creates stress. 

If you want to know if you or your partner are “normal” when it comes to desire, you first need to work out what you define as sex drive. 

You see, sexual desire can be many things – both in terms of how it works and why it arises. For some, feeling like a quick romp in the sack pops up out of the blue. For others, it’s a feeling that is produced by anticipation and closeness with their partner. 

Then there’s the added complexity of the desire to have sex with yourself compared to the desire for partnered sex. Some people are more interested in solo sex than partnered sex. Other times the desire to masturbate is less frequent than the desire to experience sexual intimacy with their partner. There are no rights or wrongs here. 

Add to that, the fact that we don’t only have partnered sex because we’re horny – we have partnered sex for a multitude of different reasons, and you start to see how complicated the question of what is considered a high sex drive in women, is.

Because if sex drive isn’t just a spontaneous urge – rather a complicated emotion – comparing ourselves to others becomes infinitely more tricky. 

Want your sex drive back?

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Download the quiz and you also get instant get access to my, deeply appreciated, weekly newsletter. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Why do you Want to Know What is Considered a High Sex Drive in Women?

When it comes to comparing ourselves to the norm – we often do this so as to make ourselves feel better. We want to gauge how much we are like others in order to still worry and anxiety.

But when it comes to sexual norms and how much desire other people feel, comparing ourselves rarely leads to a positive outcome. 

Because if we’re being completely honest here – why do other people’s sex drives matter when you’re trying to understand your own?

If you’re the person with low desire, if you’re a partner to someone with low desire, or if you’re looking for tips on how to revive your sexless relationship, the more important question to start with, is: why do you not feel like having sex?

Or why does your partner not want sex as much as they used to? Perhaps before you got married things were great, but now, sex after marriage seems like this elusive experience.

Removing yourself or your partner from the norms of others, is the first step in understanding how you or your partner truly works. Once you know this, you can work out if you’d like to change the way your sex drive is right now. This is always a better place to start than comparing yourself to what is considered a high sex drive in women in general. 

What the Evidence Says

Because the thing is – even if some evidence suggests that those who identify as men generally want sex more than those who identify as women; there are larger differences in desire within each gender group than there are between men and women. You can read more about this in my blog post on who has more sexual desire?

This means there are women who want sex all the time as well as those who never really want it. And there’s nothing strange or wrong with them for feeling either way. 

The only way to know if what you’re feeling is normal, and changing it (if you want to), is by bringing it back to yourself and how you work.

Because knowing the answer to the question how much sexual desire is normal? won’t help you feel more like having sex – nor will it boost your partner’s low desire. 

Do I Need to Reset my Expectations?

So – do you need to reset your expectations? I’m not sure you do. What I, however, do think is important is deepening your understanding of your partner’s sex drive and sexuality, and your own. By doing this you’re giving yourself and your partner a true chance of turning things around (if you want to!). 

Comparing yourself to your partner’s high sex drive or to arbitrary norms about what is considered a high sex drive in women, only risks making yourself or your partner feel like there’s something wrong with them. And feeling broken is a less than sexy feeling – pushing your further away from sex and intimacy. 

When you both understand how the other works – bridging the gap between your desire differences becomes so much easier.