A lot of my clients wonder whether it’s possible to keep the fire burning in a relationship, even when they’ve been together for 10, 15 or 20 years. The short answer is; yes – it’s definitely possible – but perhaps it doesn’t work quite the way you think it does. To be able to keep that flame alive there are a few things you need to know.
I know it can be nice at times to think about desire as something mystical, that leads its own life – and sometimes it may even feel that way. The long and short of it though (and the good news!), is that sex drive is something you can actually work on, and increase.
Desire is a motivational system that we can affect both positively and negatively. It mirrors how we lead our lives and by giving our sex drive the ultimate conditions for it to thrive according to our unique desire style, we can ensure our drive grows and is sustained. Even if we’ve been together for one year or 15 years.
Here’s another blog post for you if you want to read more about libido, find out how it works and what the sexual desire vs. sexual arousal pair.
We tend to think of our sex drive as an indicator of how our romantic relationship is doing. Sometimes that’s the right thing to do. But sexual desire is so much more than just a barometer – it’s affected by how we feel within ourselves, what we think about how we look, if we’re happy or sad, if we’re stressed out or feel pressured by others things going on in our lives.
Sex is just one of many things that keep a relationship alive. If you don’t feel like having sex with your partner, it’s important not to jump to the conclusion that the relationship is over.
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
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Sometimes we want sex more, sometimes we want it less. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to do anything about it – you can just let it be, if you’d like. Your sex drive might pick up on its own after a while.
But if it’s been gone for a long time and is also equated with negative emotions such as fear or worry and anxiety, it might be time to seek help. You see, sexual problems such as low libido, rarely can be solved through new sexual positions or trying new places.
This simplistic view of human sexuality is often exacerbated by media and all the countless articles on positions and sex toys. And even though it may help some, libido that has been low or non-existent for a while, usually needs more than just novelty to get going.
It can be difficult to know how to keep the fire burning in a relationship. By understanding that sexual desire usually needs a little kick to get going – you can bring the magic back to your relationship.
If you don’t want to wait for your sex drive to magically reappear – if you want it now, there’s help. Download one of my freebies and get sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox – for free.
Get instant access to expert advice, delivered directly to your inbox weekly, when you download The Desire Test.
With 11 years of experience in the helping profession - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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