Low Libido? The Unlikely Way To Increase Sex Drive

First published 26th June, 2019. Updated 16th August, 2020.

A light touch from your partner, a look from your loved one — as soon as you think your partner wants sex, you go into freeze mode. If sex is feeling more like a chore, and less like a moment of passion, you’re not alone. About half of the clients I work with in sex therapy, don’t feel like having sex anymore, and their number one question is how to increase sex drive.

My clients want to feel that intimate connection again.

Want to feel the attraction to their partner and heat of the early days.

But perhaps most importantly, they want to get out of the negative sex spiral – where sex is something they avoid – even when it’s affecting their relationship negatively.

How to increase sex drive

If you’re looking to increase your libido, there are lots of ways to do this.

For some people, the low libido solution is all about scheduling sex.

But for others (especially those who feel pressured to have a more active sex life), this does more harm than good.

Putting sex on the agenda, next to picking up the dry-cleaning, actually increases the pressure and enforces the “chore-like” feeling.

I know, I know — a sex ban can sound completely counterintuitive — because you might not be having a lot of sex as it is anyway.

But what a sex ban does, is remove the pressure that otherwise simmers in the air, between the two of you.

The constant reminder that sex can happen.

The pressure that sex must happen soon.

When you’ve had low libido for some time, anxiety starts to build. Perhaps your partner has voiced their concern, or maybe this is a feeling you’ve been carrying around for a long time.

It’s not uncommon to get nervous or worried when you lose your sex drive. And the pressure you feel, regardless of where it comes from, can lead to all physical intimacy in your relationship feeling stressful.

Before you know it, you’ve lost all sense of intimacy in your relationship.

Want your sex drive back?

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Download the quiz and you also get instant get access to my, deeply appreciated, weekly newsletter. You can unsubscribe at any time.

What A Sex Ban Is And How it Works

A sex ban is a common staple in sex therapy, introduced in the ‘60’s by sex researchers Masters and Johnson. For over 60 years, it’s been part of successfully treating all manner of sexual problems, such as low libido, erectile dysfunction, and pain during sex.

The reason it works is simple. It instantly removes the pressure and stress surrounding sex.

A sex ban can be whatever you want it to be.

For example:

• No vaginal penetration, but other forms of sex are permitted

• Making out with your clothes on, but not going any further

• Masturbating together, but not touching each other

• Non-sexual massages are ok

Next time you feel the pressure and stress starting to build, sit down and have a conversation about creating a sex ban.

Make it clear to your partner you want your sex life to work — but in order for that to happen, you need to find a way of making sex feel like less of a duty. If you’d like to know more about how to talk about sex, this blog post on 4 things to think about in communication and relationships, will help you do just that.

A sex ban is the easiest way to accomplish this. And by using the following questions to guide your conversation, you’ll soon be on your way to less anguish and more intimacy.

1. What would you like to have achieved during the sex ban, so that you’ll want to try to have sex again?

   For example: being able to be present in the moment or that the pressure I’ve felt to become physically aroused has subsided.

2. How can you achieve the above-mentioned goals?

   For example: get better at communicating our feelings to each other, or seeing a sex therapist for help.

3. How can you create (or sustain) shared intimacy in your relationship while not having sex?

   For example: do new things together or give each other a massage. For more ideas on how to strengthen intimacy, see The (free) Guide for Intimacy — a free resource with exercises and discussion prompts that helps you increase intimacy in your romantic relationship.

    

Turning sex into something you want, is do-able

When we do not want to have sex, and it feels stressful instead of pleasurable, it’s normal to want to avoid it. The thing is – when avoidance is a silent, unconscious strategy – it can do unintentional harm.

By trying out a sex ban you’re essentially doing the same thing – however both you and your partner are on the same page. This fosters more intimacy and allows you to start from a blank slate, instead of from a stressed-out one.

If you want more tips on how to increase sex drive, my free resource The Desire Test is the next best step. Check it out below.