Why Is My Sex Drive So High Compared To My Partner’s?  

6 min read

Sex in long-term relationships isn’t always easy. Because after the passion of the early days fades – we’re often left with a situation very different from the beginning. One where one partner has less desire, and one has more. So, if you’ve been asking yourself; why is my sex drive so high compared to my partner’s, this blog post will uncover some of the core reasons. Some of which – you might not even have considered before. 

We’re all different

I know, I know. What sex therapist doesn’t always start off by saying: everyone is different. But the truth of the matter is – when it comes to desire it is different for everyone.

How it’s experienced and how easily it’s accessed and ignited is usually different between partners in a relationship. 

Because the thing about sex drive is that it’s not this thing that operates all on its own.

It’s affected by many other factors in our lives – both positively and negatively. And these factors, in turn, can be more of a sexual character, but also non-sexual, too. 

Sex relieves stress 

To put it mildly, sex and stress aren’t always a match made in heaven. But while many of us find it hard to get in the mood when we’re experiencing stress at work, issues with the kids, or health complications- for some it’s actually the opposite. Sex relieves stress. 

So, while your partner might dodge the idea of sex in times of stress – you might want it even more.

Because not only does sex reduce stress hormones, therefore acting as a good antidote to stress, it also feeds your soul in other ways. It might be a great way to feel connected to your partner, and to forget the outside world for a moment. Like a really needed break from everything else going on in life. 

In essence, sex might be more of a safe haven for you in times of stress, than it is for your partner. And this, in turn, might be one of the answers to the question; why is my sex drive so high compared to my partner’s?

You’re not really a worrier

Just as stress can have a negative effect on our desire, so, too, can feelings like sadness, worry and anger. But while negative emotions and sex seldom go hand in hand, just as in the case of stress, you might have a different relationship with these emotions than your partner does. 

Maybe your partner worries a lot – causing their body to view their current state as a state of danger.

And when we’re in danger, sex usually isn’t the best idea in the world, right? So it would make sense why their desire for sex is lower.

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But if you’re able to deal with worries in life easier than your partner, or you don’t feel emotions or process them as strongly as they do, this could be part of the explanation as to why your sex drive is so high compared to theirs. 

Because if you generally are less phased by negative emotions, or are less prone to feeling them, you’ll likely be able to access your desire and want your partner often anyway. 

You’re comfortable with your body

When it comes to answering the question “why is my sex drive so high compared to my partner’s”, it’s also important to acknowledge your body image. Because chances are, you might be more confident in your own skin than they are.

While sex doesn’t always require us to be completely naked, at least some showing of skin generally tends to happen – which for some can cause worry about being judged. 

But if you’re comfortable with your body you’re perhaps less likely to worry about judgment from your partner. And this body confidence really can do wonders for your desire. Leaving you feeling in the mood for it even when your partner isn’t.

Beyond feeling confident in your looks – feeling confident in your body can also stem from other experiences in life – for instance, years of experience of having had sex with yourself. 

Masturbation is a great way of exploring what we like sexually, and what turns us on. But it’s also a good place to explore what technique works best to give us pleasure. And when we know what we want and what techniques work – we’re likelier to have better sex with our partner – and therefore, experience more desire. 

You might have grown up in a home where sex wasn’t taboo

Sexual desire not only hinges on our biology or the state of our relationship – it also has to do with internalised messages about sex. 

From a young age, messages about sex and relationships are passed down to us by our extended families, and society at large.

And this usually happens both on a conscious level, for example having “the talk” with our parents, and on a subconscious level; messages from porn and media tell us what sex is meant to be like.

When I meet people with low or no sex drive, it often becomes apparent that a key factor is growing up in families where sex was less of a positive.

Perhaps it was seen as something sinful, or something people who identify as women shouldn’t want too much or even at all. Sometimes, religious beliefs, like leaving sex till you got married, also play a big part.

If you find yourself wondering “why is my sex drive so high”, you might want to have a look at what your parents taught you about sex. 

Perhaps your parents never shamed you when it came to sex or masturbation. Maybe they even encouraged you to speak with them if you had questions. Or perhaps, if you identify as male, you might have been given agency surrounding your sexuality from early on. Because you were never assumed to not want sex the same way a lot of girls are assumed to not want it.

But regardless of your gender – it’s important to keep in mind that more positive, internalised messages about sex, could be a reason why you have a stronger sex drive than your partner. 

Sex is an important part of your identity

Finally, another key factor to acknowledge is what your relationship with your sexuality is like. 

Because beyond sexual orientation – our relationship with our sexual dislikes, preferences, and our desire, all affect how much we want sex. 

If we’re not comfortable with the way we work, sexually, or feel there’s something wrong with us – it can be much harder to a) get in the mood for sex and b) actually enjoy it when we have sex. 

So, if sex feels like a well-integrated part of you and it’s perhaps your preferred way of connecting with your partner – you probably will experience more desire than your partner. Especially if they don’t share that same relationship with their sexuality, as you.

It’s okay you’re not exactly the same

When we find ourselves asking the question; why is my sex drive so high compared to my partner’s, it’s only natural to feel a little worried. But my hope is that you now have a broader understanding of how desire can differ and why.

That it can be due to things like our family’s relationship with sex, how integrated our sexuality is in our general being, our relationship with our body, as well as how we deal with stress and negative emotions in life. 

There’s nothing wrong with you or your partner – you’re just different. And once you understand these nuances and complexities – you’re in a better place to decide whether you want to try to bridge that gap. One place to start is by cracking open my free resource “The Guide for Intimacy” – to start having real conversations about your sex life and relationship.