Exploring Sexual Fantasies & Common Sexual Taboos As A Way Of Connecting With Your Partner

12 minute read

Sexual fantasies – the stuff of movies and porn, right? Well – not really. Most people, including the couples who report the highest levels of happiness in their relationship – engage in sexual fantasies. 

According to Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller, Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute and author of the groundbreaking book Tell Me What You Want, 97% of the 4000 Americans who participated in research for his book, reported having sexual fantasies. Most – reported having sexual fantasies frequently. 

So, as you explore ways to open your sex life up to new possibilities and reduce sexual boredom, you can be rest-assured that sexual fantasies are one of the most common ways for couples to safely explore spicing up their sex life.  

Now – let’s get into the nitty-gritty of sexual fantasies and what some people consider (or have considered) sexual taboos. 

What are Sexual Fantasies?

Simply put, sexual fantasies are fantasies in your mind that have a sexual character to them. Sometimes sexual fantasies are ideas of things that you might like to try (whether that be with your partner, with other people, or even on your own.) 

But fantasies can also be things you would never like to do in real life. They just really turn you on in your mind and get your desire going.

When it comes to fantasies, it’s common to have them. But, I’ve also found that my clients with low desire (who I see in sex therapy and sex coaching) – often report they don’t have any sexual fantasies. 

And while it’s true not everyone actively fantasizes, it’s also true that sometimes, we believe we don’t have fantasies because they don’t look like what we think of as a “true” sexual fantasy.

They simply don’t take on the creativity or daring nature that someone might expect when the word “fantasy” comes to mind.

What if you don’t have sexual fantasies?

But for a lot of my clients who are deeply disconnected from their feelings of desire and their sexuality at large – they do often have some kind of fantasies. Just that theirs center around things like kissing or being close to their partner emotionally.

Sexual fantasies don’t have to be particularly adventurous or different from the kinds of sex you’re already having (or used to have). 

They can be relishing a sexual experience that was special or meaningful. An experience that had you feeling you didn’t know where you began and your partner ended. Total enmeshment in a glorious way.

So, as you set out to explore your sex life and express your desire for things to be “spicier”, remember that for you, that may simply be having more of the kinds of sex you usually have (or used to have). 

That said, in addition to fantasies surrounding romance and deep emotional intimacy, in his book Tell Me What You Want, Dr. Lehmiller identified a handful of other common sexual fantasies.

Below is a short look at the most common sexual fantasies reported

Group Sex

Group sex can be threesomes or foursomes that engage in various sexual activities. Of the types of group activities, threesomes were by far the most common fantasy that people shared having; with 79% of respondents reporting that they had this kind of sexual fantasy. 

This kind of sexual fantasy was primarily popular with older adults compared to younger adults.

BDSM

Another common fantasy was B.D.S.M (bondage, dominance, and sado-masochism) AKA power playing, pain and pleasure. 

For many, this kind of sex was present in their fantasies at almost he same rate as group sex was. And part of the popularity could possibly be down to books and movies such as “Fifty Shades of Gray.” The series definitely brought BDSM into a the mainstream in a big way, making a lot of people realize they had fantasies about powerplay after all.

New Sex Positions

Lots of people in Dr. Lehmiller’s research reported fantasizing about having sex in novel places, or in new positions. This can be as simple as having sex in a new part of your home, or even in some riskier places like outside. It could also be about spicing up positions in which you have vaginal sex or oral sex.

Sexual Taboos

People also shared several different forms of sexual taboos ranging from watching other people having sex to other people watching you have sex. Exhibitionism also filtered into BDSM and group sex fantasies as well – with polyamorous couplings or swinging with other couples as quite common.

Emotions

As previously stated, another theme was getting emotional needs met or satisfying your partner’s emotional needs with real passion and an enthusiastic exchange. This fantasy tends to be more popular among younger adults and can center around the romance side of things.

Same-Sex Fantasies

Same-sex fantasies were also popular even if these fantasies don’t necessarily always coincide with identifying and bisexual or gay. People reported fantasizing about having sex with someone of the same gender, but also about being another gender. 

Important to note here is that your fantasies don’t mean your sexual identity is changing. Again, it’s fantasy, so exploring outside of your own norm may simply be part of what turns you on. Not something you want to act on in real life.

Another important thing to establish is that the bulk of sexual fantasy research has focused a lot on heterosexual, cisgender young adults, primarily in North America. However,, when you explore studies with a more diverse sample, there are multiple similarities around sexual fantasy profiles or tenors.

Why Normalizing Fantasies Is So Important

Beyond the fantasies about passion and intimacy in your current relationship – a big part of fantasies is about exploring real taboos in our cultures. 

And because of this – fantasies can sometimes be culture dependent.

This means the taboos are relative to what the culture you’ve grown up in stipulates. For instance, what your culture says about gender roles; what men versus women are “meant” to be like.

And, with all the fantasies out there, part of what makes them so interesting – is that they don’t have to align with who you are in your general life. 

So, for instance, if equality between the sexes is really important to you in general, you might fantasize about dominance and submission or playing with other forms of BDSM in the bedroom.

You wouldn’t necessarily want this kind of power exchange in real life, but in your sexual mind, fantasies about power play and coercion, or some form of non-consent may really turn you on. 

The thing to know about sexual fantasies of non-consent

I want to be really clear here – fantasies of non-consent don’t in any way mean you actually want non-consensual sex in real life. It’s simply a fantasy. 

That being said, fantasies of power-play, pain and non-consent can feel really concerning. Especially if you’ve previously been subjected to sexual or physical assault. 

The thing to keep in mind here (especially if you’ve not consented in the past to previous experiences) is that because this fantasy is taking place in your mind – you’re actually the one in control. 

You’re the one painting the narrative. You’re the one deciding where it will go. 

In essence – having a fantasy about non-consent happening to you – is consenting all the way. And this is what makes this fantasy confusing at times and worrying at worst.

In sexual fantasies that touch this level of internal conflict, you want to remember this isn’t happening to you – you’re in control. 

However, if you feel confused about this kind of fantasy and want help to work through it, sex therapy is a good place to start to unpack what’s going on.

The same is true when you play with fantasies of submission and dominance

Lots of people fantasize about being dominated by their partner. But regardless of whether you’re doing this in real life or simply playing it out in your mind – you’re setting the ground rules. You’re deciding what is going to happen to you. 

Being submissive can seem like you’re the one who has no control. But in fact, the submissive role is often the one who decides what is going to happen.

In the BDSM community there are lots of rules in place to make sure the play never goes further than the submissive partner wants it to. For instance, establishing code words to use when things are getting too intense, is a great way to ensure this kind of role-play feels good to both parties.  

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Looking Beyond the Fantasy

One of the genuinely interesting parts of fantasies – is to explore how you can be turned on by something that doesn’t align with your values in real life. 

Because the sense of a fantasy being “taboo” is what often fuels the excitement – but it can also instantly lead to shame and other negative emotions during sex (or after sex). 

When this happens, it’s important to seek out the help of a sex therapist or a sex coach to talk through the waves of shame. Because there are lots of ways of relating to your fantasy that don’t produce intense feelings of shame or guilt. 

The truth is – there’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about anything – really. 

Even if you fantasize about things that might be illegal, the act of fantasizing isn’t illegal. It’s when you cross the lines of consent and actual laws – that it becomes illegal and wrong. 

What the Science Says about Sexual Fantasies 

Research from Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller found that what people fantasize about – isn’t necessarily synonymous with things they would like to do in real life.

Furthermore  “around nine out of 10 people surveyed fantasized about their own partners, with over 50% saying that they did so often. Their most common fantasies involved trying something a little out of the book with their partner rather than experiencing ‘taboo’ or ‘forbidden’ scenarios.”

There are actually very few sexual fantasies that are truly “unheard of.” Most fit into the list above. 

In essence, this should hopefully help you feel that the fantasies you have – you likely share with lots of people.

 How Can I Talk to My Partner About My Sexual Fantasies Without Scaring Them or Turning Them Off?

First things first – it’s wise to decide why you want to share your fantasies with your partner. Because for all the good sharing fantasies can do – you shouldn’t be doing it just because you believe you “should”. 

People who share fantasies are often seen as sexually open people. But being sexually open is a choice you get to make – not a value to force yourself to feed into. 

From a sex coach’s perspective, I can tell you that sharing the contents of your fantasies with your partner can be incredibly exciting. 

Not only to experience the pleasure and heightened desire that comes with things like; listening to an erotic book together with those specific fantasy themes, or watching a sexy movie with the same theme – but it’s also a wonderful way of being really vulnerable with your partner.

And when we’re vulnerable in the realm of sexuality – it can be incredibly gratifying.

This kind of experience can amplify your love and feelings of intimacy (even if the fantasy isn’t love-based). Especially if your partner reacts to your fantasy in a similar way that you do. It also validates you and your feelings and can make you feel good overall. 

So, beyond fantasies being a tool to access or increase your sex drive, they can be a really fantastic, unexpected way, of bonding emotionally with your partner. One we don’t talk about enough!

How to Share Your Sexual Fantasies with Your Partner

1. Start off by deciding where to hold the conversation. Talking in bed can be very vulnerable because it’s a place that’s usually sexually “charged”, however it can also feel safe to bring up something private in the confinement of your own bedroom.
   
   You can also have this conversation on the sofa or some other intimate setting, but ideally, in private, as talking about it at a café can leave you both focusing more on speaking quietly than communicating openly.
   
   
2. Begin by telling your partner why you’re sharing this with them. This will help to remove the fear or worry that can come across your partner’s mind if they’re not sure where this is all going.
   
   Do you want to live out the fantasy in real life, or do you want to share it in hopes of feeling validated, or using it as a way to fantasize together during sex?
   

3. Open up the conversation by saying something like, “I want to talk to you about something that makes me feel a bit nervous. And I want you to know I’m sharing this because X.”
   
   Being vulnerable in this way can help to reduce the pressure on your partner (and you) and make your partner less defensive, which is always a positive when talking about something taboo.
   
   
4. Next, tell your partner what you want or what you need from them during the conversation.
   
   For example:

• Do you want them to hold your hand while you talk about it?
• Do you want them to not say anything other than “thanks for sharing I want to think about this”, and then circle back to it later?
  
  The more specific you can be with your partner about what you want and need while talking, the easier it will be for them to actually give you what you want.
  

5. Then, share openly what you feel, what you’re interested in exploring and what you see that looking like for you and/or your partner.
   
   Be gentle with yourself and your partner as you talk about the details because talking about charged topics like sexual fantasize can easily trigger shame, secrecy and fear.  
   
   Try to not judge your partner’s reaction and watch for body language or words that ask you to share more. And when in doubt, ask, “is it ok if I keep going?” or “would you like to hear more?”
   
   It’s ok for this to be a bit awkward and messy; being honest and vulnerable isn’t easy, especially if you’re not used to sharing in this way.
   
   The goal is to share openly and honestly. And you might be surprised at your partner’s reaction. Even if you don’t share the same fantasies, hearing that your partner has fantasies of their own can still produce some steamy feelings for you both.
   
   
6. Try as best as you can to not judge your partner, whatever they share. Sexual fantasies aren’t always easy to open up about so you’ll both want to show kindness and reserve judgment.*
   
   As you conclude your conversation, you will know more about your partner, and they will know more about you – which in turn – can lead to deeper intimacy and a more fulfilling sex life. Take it from a sex therapist who has years of being privy to these kinds of conversations, and their positive outcomes!

Things to keep in mind when exploring sexual fantasies & common taboos

Sexual fantasies can range from the real taboo things we would never want to do in real life (but that get our sex drive going) – to the supremely romantic things we want to experience with our partner in the flesh. 

Fantasies don’t have to be extravagant and they don’t have to be something you’ve never done before.

However, using them can be a great way to amplify desire and get closer to your partner. And if you find yourself struggling to put into words what you fantasize about – that’s completely okay too. 

No amount of fantasies is the right amount, no kinds of fantasies are the right ones, and you never need to share them with anyone if you don’t want to. 

The key is to become friends with your fantasies. Because at the end of the day, they’re part of your sexuality, and as long as you aren’t hurting anyone – they’re ok. 

If you’re looking for ways to explore your fantasies and spice things up in the bedroom – my collection of bite-sized couples resources to turn up the heat, can be found here. I especially recommend How to Dirty Talk as a great way of using fantasies during sex – with your partner.