How to Get Sex Drive Back When It’s Ruining Your Relationship

First published 11th November, 2021. Updated 8th April, 2024.

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Is your lack of sex drive ruining your relationship? You’re not alone and there are lots of ways to turn your non-existent desire into full-blown passion. Take it from a sex therapist and coach with 12 years of experience helping people – it truly is possible. 

It’s Normal To Have No Sex Drive And Feel Like It’s Ruining Your Relationship

Despite what pop culture has us believe about sex in long-term relationships, sex isn’t always easy if we’re in the “right” relationship. And it’s definitely not always a given if we’re years into our partnership.

Men, Women & People of Other Gender Identities Experience Low Libido

Low desire is common, in fact, about 1 in 3 women experience low sex drive, as well as 13-28% of men. And while we don’t have specific statistics on those who identify as elsewhere on the gender spectrum, it’s probably similarly frequent.

Suffice it to say, having no sex drive or lower desire than usual, doesn’t mean you’re broken or anything is wrong. It may feel that way. But our feelings aren’t always right. 

What it usually does mean – is that there’s stuff to work on in order to get your desire back (and this is the good news!). 

Because sex drive isn’t actually something you either have or don’t have. It’s an emotion – and it’s one you can affect both positively and negatively. Though probably not in the way you think (read more about this in my blog post on how emotions control sex).

Why Women Experience Low Libido

There are lots of cause of low libido in women – among them are a whole range of factors such as:

• Biological: medications or hormonal birth control can wreak havoc on desire in an instant
  
  
• Psychological: feeling unattractive or experiencing mental health struggles can change how you feel about being intimate all together 
  
  
• Relationship: lack of emotional intimacy and increased conflict can have you longing for distance – not closeness
  
  
• Cultural: feeling like your relationship isn’t meant to be because your desire has started to decrease, can further decrease already plummeting desire

Having low or zero sex drive can also stem from the many roles we as women are socialized to carry.

For instance, a lot of women fall into the role of people-pleaser. It’s also common to find yourself carrying the mental load in your romantic relationship without it having been discussed.

If you struggle to say no in general and find yourself being the sole person responsible for your household running smoothly (hello loads and loads of laundry every week and making sure your kid’s gym bag is packed every Thursday and Sunday) – it makes sense you don’t feel particularly amorous towards your partner.

How can you want sex when most of your mental bandwidth is stretched thin with logistical and practical details? In order for desire to flourish – your brain needs a break! But this doesn’t mean you have to change everything about your life (even if I know that’s how it may feel right now). 

Because this likely isn’t the only culprit (and that’s good news). And sometimes low desire is complex but it doesn’t mean the solution can’t still be simple!  

Why Men Experience Low Libido

While we like to talk about men in pop culture as always raring to go – lots don’t want it all the time (or even some of the time!). 

The reasons why men experience low libido are (just as for women as those of other gender identities), – complex and varied. 

While there are sometimes biological factors at play, for instance, low testosterone levels, it’s often more of a complicated story. One we’re not used to hearing about.

A lot of men’s low desire has to do with psychological factors such as performance pressure & anxiety, relationship reasons such as a lack of emotional closeness and even cultural factors such as not feeling like “a real man” for struggling financially or finding it hard to get and sustain an erection.

And while the above aren’t struggles for everyone – if you strongly identify as male you’ve often picked up on the not-so-subtle messages about how you’re “meant” to be and feel. 

When sex drive is such a large part of the collective male identity – it’s easy to see how experiencing low libido can have a negative effect on your overall self-esteem and confidence. And how this in turn can make it even harder to increase sex drive. Even if you still find your partner or spouse attractive!

Is It Normal For Your Sex Drive To Go Up & Down?

As a sex therapist who specializes in low libido, one of the most common questions I get is “is it normal for your sex drive to go up and down?” And the answer? In short – yes, totally normal. 

Our sex drive is less of a hormonal urge and more of an emotion. This means it can never be a constant (even if you’re both in love and generally happy together). It also means when you go from lots of desire to no sex drive whatsoever – there’s usually a good reason.

It’s normal to freak out when you notice yourself saying ‘no’ yet again and realize you’re simply not having sex in a relationship. However, your ‘no’ doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship or marriage. In fact, when we understand it might not be the end of our relationship – it becomes easier to deal with. This, in turn, makes it easier to access our desire again. 

Is it normal for your sex drive to change as you get older?

The aging process can make many things harder, including becoming aroused and getting in the mood.

Menopause can negatively affect your ability to become physically aroused, but it doesn’t have to affect your desire for sex. In fact, for some, there’s something freeing about sex as they age, compared to when they’re younger, which can lead to increased sex drive.

Regardless of whether you experience less or more desire as a result of the biological aging process – getting older has positives. For lots of people, it means less pressure for sex to look a certain way or last long.

Add to that, there’s often more acceptance of our body image and how we think of ourselves. So while the biological aging process might mean we struggle to get and sustain an erection the same way as we used to, or lubricate enough, there are lots of other positives that might outweigh the negatives.

It’s possible to increase desire (if you want to!)

Saying goodbye to a relationship with no sex and getting that passion back is possible – and it usually involves a whole lot of other things than popping some pills or trying natural remedies.

It’s about working with yourself on a deeper level and addressing why your desire is gone in the first place.

This is key, because your sexuality is a fundamental part of who you are. It’s ingrained in your whole being which means you can’t separate your sex drive from everything else (though I’m sure you wish you could, if it were possible).

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

How to go from no sex drive to lots of it

Work out if you want to feel more desire

For years, I’ve helped people through sex therapy and coaching to get their desire back. One of the most important steps I always have my clients start with, is pinpointing whether they actually want to increase their libido or not.

Because without knowing this, you may be inadvertently sabotaging your own desire.

Let me explain. 

If the answer is: yes, I want more desire, take a second and notice what’s going on in your body.

Oftentimes your gut reaction is to say yes, but hidden underneath the surface is another feeling: fear. You may notice this by feeling your breath move up to your chest, or feeling a tightening in your stomach.  

You want to get your sex drive back and yet you don’t want to – because you’re afraid if you try, you’ll fail. And then you’ll find out there actually is something wrong with you. That your relationship or marriage can’t be rekindled. That intimacy and excitement is something you’ll never experience again. That you’re, in fact, damaged goods.

These beliefs hurt, and they can hamper all the work you’re doing to increase libido and turn your relationship around.

Because if you deep down don’t believe it’s possible for you, you’ll subconsciously look for things that confirm this belief. 

Even if this belief isn’t true. 

For example:

• every time your partner gives you a kiss and you feel the dread start to creep in, you take it as a sign things will never change
  
  
• whenever your partner suggests sex you think “what’s the point? It won’t work anyway”
  
  
• when you and your partner are fooling around, you’re constantly on the lookout for signs that you’re not getting in the mood fast enough. Or you’re worried you’re not sufficiently aroused – further confirming that you’re a person who just doesn’t feel desire.

If the above sounds like you and your brain is going a million miles a minute with thoughts like, “I have no sex drive and it’s ruining my relationship,” or “I have no sex drive and my husband is mad,” – please know there are ways of turning this around, and here’s how.

Work out why you have no sex drive

We often jump straight to the solution: how to increase libido.

Cosmo would have you believe increasing your sex drive is about using lime-flavoured lube and spicy new positions.

And while these quick fixes might help in the short term, they are, in fact, quick fixes. They’re not actual solutions to something that has likely been going on for a long time. 

Gadgets and toys can not remove the pressure and stress you feel to have sex. 

Complicated positions and lingerie can’t create that intimacy you’re longing for. 

In order to want sex you need to start out by understanding why you don’t want it. And part of this is usually understanding your underlying beliefs about sex. 

If you miss this crucial step, you’ll likely end up trying things to no avail. And when your attempts don’t pan out – it increases the worry you feel about the situation. And in turn, you feel less motivated to try something else. 

This in turn creates a negative feedback loop of feeling stressed out by sex, difficulties getting out of your head during sex, and arguments. For some – this leads to avoidance of physical affection, for fear of your partner wanting sex again.

In my free resource, The Desire Test, you get help with this fundamental first step – working out what’s blocking your desire.

Using simple math, this quiz helps you understand the reasons behind low desire from different perspectives ranging from biological to cultural (yes, cultural!). Download it today and take the first step towards more desire and intimacy. 

What to do when you have no sex drive and your partner is mad

Different libidos in relationships and marriages are common. In fact, throughout all of my years working with couples and individuals, I would say it’s more common than not.

The thing is, because sex is often awkward to talk about – we never hear about other people’s struggles. And in turn, the secrecy surrounding couples that have stopped having sex, makes us feel like we’re alone.

If you have no sex drive and your husband is mad or your wife is giving you the silent treatment – know you share this experience with others.

And it doesn’t mean you need to have sex with them because they want it.

It may be hurtful to feel unwanted for them, but it doesn’t mean they’re entitled to sex. And if anything, their anger only pushes your desire further away anyway, right? Fighting about sex is seldom an aphrodisiac.

Tell your partner how you feel

When you have no sex drive and your partner is mad, it’s important to open up the lines of communication. This is the only way you can both begin to feel appreciated again – regardless of whether more sex is in the cards now or not.

Oftentimes we only bring these things up in the heat of the moment – when they’ve initiated sex again and you’ve said no, again. And while it may feel more natural to do so, it often has a negative effect. One that leads to yet another conflict about sex.

For this reason, it’s important to not talk about your sex life (or lack thereof) when you’re already annoyed with each other.

• Bring up the topic of your mismatched libidos when you’re both feeling happy or you’re in a neutral setting. This helps buffer against an argument surrounding the subject.
  
  
• Share with your partner how bringing up this subject makes you feel. This can often help them soften and become less defensive. Because they know they’re not the only ones who feel awkward about it.
  
  
• Tell them how you feel, that you have no sex drive right now and it’s hard for you. And that you understand they want more sex than you, but you can’t just turn your desire on. Because it’s more complicated than that.
  
  
• Bring up the fact that you want to work on this (only if you do, of course). And that it would be really helpful if they could try to not get angry with you next time.
  
  Please note, this doesn’t mean they’re not entitled to their feelings (we all are), however, they don’t need to project them onto you.
  
  Because none of you are wrong in this situation – you’re just different. How you deal with these differences is what will make the biggest shift over time in your sex life and how you both feel about sex.

By following these tips above, and more communication tips in this blog post on how to talk to your partner about sex, you’re much more likely to have a productive conversation about sex.

One that leads you to feelings of closeness and approaching sexual difficulties as a team. The kind of conversation that helps you overcome your differences. So you can stop feeling like you have such a sexually demanding husband, wife or partner – and feel like you want them again.

Your Relationship Can Recover From This, If You Want It To

Having zero sex drive and a relationship with no sex can make you feel hopeless – like your relationship is over and that you’re doomed. But there’s lots you can do to change the situation you’re in – if you want to!

The first step is getting clear on whether you want to want your partner again. The second is working out what’s blocking your desire. The third is addressing the issues head-on in a neutral setting where you both validate one another in your feelings and how to work on your different levels of desire.

By taking these sex therapist-approved steps, you’ll be well on your way from no sex drive and feeling touched out at the end of the day, to glorious, touch-me-again sex.

The kind that infuses your bond and creates the kind of relationship you both deserve. Because you do. And it’s possible.

If you want the whole solution right away and you’re serious about going from no sex drive to lots of desire and intimacy, then you’re ready for my on-demand course to help get your sex drive back Re:Desire.

It’s built on sexological science, coaching & psychotherapeutic tools, plus my extensive experience as a sex therapist and coach. Re:Desire is the whole solution that will help you increase desire, intimacy & closeness without pressure and stress (because you don’t need any more of that stress).