Why Don’t I Get Horny Like Normal People? 

5 min read

“Why don’t I get horny?” Probably one of the most common questions people ask me. As a sex therapist and coach specialised in low sex drive, it’s important to know one thing: the answer is usually not a straight one. 

There are lots of reasons why we lose our desire for sex. And most of them are, in fact, completely normal – meaning, they’re common, and there is nothing wrong with you.

Here are 5 totally normal reasons why you don’t get horny anymore. 

Your Partner Wants Sex More Than You

Contrary to popular belief, sex isn’t easy for most people. Lots of people struggle with getting in the mood, experiencing arousal, and have trouble orgasming. 

Struggling with different aspects of sex is especially common if we’re in relationships with different levels of desire. When your partner always seems to want a romp in the sack – and you don’t – it can start to create a lot of pressure surrounding sex. 

Suddenly, it’s like everything they do screams ‘sex’ – the way they look at you, the kiss they give you goodnight. And when you have low or no sex drive, this kind of difference in desire between you two can make you feel broken, which is a completely unsexy feeling, causing you to feel even less desire. 

But you’re not broken.

Hollywood has fed you a bag of lies about people always being horny in long-term relationships if the relationship is healthy and “right”.

Instead of asking yourself “why don’t I get horny”, try flipping the script and asking yourself; if I feel stress surrounding sex and if we argue about sex – why would I want to have sex?

You’re Asexual

Asexuality is a sexual identity. 

For some who identify as asexual, they still masturbate but don’t enjoy partnered sex. For others, they don’t want to masturbate or have sex, and find it all wholly uninteresting. Some even have partnered sex but don’t view it as sexual. 

If you’re asexual you might have never experienced desire or sexual pleasure. You might not even feel like you fall in love the way others seem to.  

The point being – asexuality is experienced differently by everyone. Having low desire or no desire right now doesn’t necessarily mean you are asexual, but it could mean you are. 

The biggest indicator is usually never having had desire for sex at all. But here’s where it gets tricky – because sometimes we just haven’t found what we like sexually, or were brought up in a household where sex was shameful. 

If being asexual sounds like you, you can read more about it here. 

Want your sex drive back?

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

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You Don’t Prioritize Sex

Horny isn’t just a biological mechanism – it’s a feeling you experience. Because of this, you need to prioritize things that get you in the mood. 

Sometimes you need emotional intimacy and quality time together to get excited about sex. Other times you might need to work on communication in your relationship in order to feel the sparks fly. 

The answer to the question “why don’t I get horny?” often lies in us deprioritizing sex and connection with our partner over time. 

What’s important to note here is that this kind of prioritization doesn’t always have to be bad. 

Sometimes there are more important things in our lives than sex. 

However, if you regularly fall into this pattern and believe your desire should come like a lightning bolt and strike you down in the middle of doing the dishes – you’ll probably find it doesn’t. And as a result, sex just doesn’t occur. 

You Experience Anxiety and Depression

Feeling in the mood for sex often disappears when we’re anxious or depressed. And this makes complete sense. 

Anxiety is our body’s way of telling us we’re in danger. And when there’s a potential threat looming on the horizon, sex is the furthest thing from our minds, literally. 

Instead, our bodies and brains are working hard at trying to protect us, causing desire to shut down on its own.

Depression makes life grey and pleasureless. Even simple things like enjoying food, music or the tv series we used to love, can be impossible. The same goes for sex, too. 

When looking for the answer to the question “Why don’t I get horny”, it’s therefore vital to consider your mental health as a whole. Because anxiety and depression affects sexual desire, but they don’t mean you have to accept a life without sex (if you don’t want to, of course). 

You Don’t Know What You Like Sexually

Great sex and lots of desire feed off of our relationship with our sexuality. And especially for a lot of women or those of us who belong to other marginalized groups in society – knowing what we want sexually isn’t a given. 

But in order to want sex, we need to know what gets us going. Because if sex is never a great experience – why would you want it? 

Getting in contact with your sexuality means exploring your sexual likes and dislikes. It’s also important learning to communicate effectively in your relationship about them. Because knowledge itself won’t change the game unless your partner knows what you need, too.

You’re not the only one asking yourself “Why don’t I get horny?”

Lots of people want to know why they don’t want sex. For some, it’s always been like this, which might mean you’re asexual. For others, it’s about patterns over time in your relationship having a negative effect on your desire. These range from lack of closeness and not prioritizing sex, to different levels of desire causing you pressure and stress. 

There are also personal factors, like mental health challenges and not knowing what turns you on that can contribute to not getting horny.

All in all, there are lots more causes of low libido in women and causes of low libido in men – but the important things to remember are: you’re not broken because you don’t get horny, and there are usually several factors at play.

And understanding both these things – can help you get your sex drive back.