What Fighting About Sex Really Means & How to Stop

9 minute read

Fighting about sex is common but can leave you feeling like things will never change. The important thing to remember is that they can. But to get there – you need to understand what’s really going on. Because arguments about sex often seem deceivingly simple – when they’re not.  

Reasons why we fight about sex

When you and your partner find yourself arguing about sex for the 58th time – it’s important to consider what the fights are actually about. This is only how the conflict will get a true chance at being resolved.

Because what might seem like a very clear-cut issue, like mismatched libidos, pain during sex, a dry spell in a relationship, or erectile difficulties, is often multi-layered. 

When you understand what role fighting is filling – you can break the cycle. And change things in a deep way. 

Mismatched libidos

When your partner wants sex more often than you, and it leads to a fight, it might seem like a silly thing to get upset about to you. And while being horny and not having sex can be frustrating – the arguments you’re having a likely not just about that frustration.

They’re about rejection – and the seeds this rejection sews. When you reject your partner’s sexual advances over and over again it hurts. And sometimes the way your partner shows this might be through hurting you back by starting a fight.

Because rejection might not mean you’re not in the mood for sex. To them, it might mean you no longer find them attractive or sexy. 

Or worse – that you no longer love them. 

So when they argue with you they’re trying to understand what’s going on and why you don’t want them anymore. They’re trying to understand where they and you are headed as a couple.

On the flip side, for the partner with less desire for sex, starting a fight is sometimes done to ensure your partner won’t try initiating sex again. As long as you’re fighting, there will be no touching, which means they likely “won’t get the wrong idea” and ask for sex again. 

This is done because having to reject your partner is painful. Constantly having to say no leads to feelings of inadequacy and questions of whether there’s something wrong with you for not wanting sex. 

So while arguing about sex may seem like it’s always about the sex itself, it’s often masquerading other deep-seated worries and fears. About ourselves, our partner, and our relationship at large. 

Relationship insecurity and anxiety

When you can’t seem to agree on how often to have sex or what kinds of sex to have, it can feel like a dark cloud is looming over your relationship. Whether you feel unwanted by your partner or misunderstood by them – it causes relationship insecurity. 

This in turn can lead to more conflicts. Because not only are you now not agreeing on your sex life, you’re also starting to question the very foundation of your partnership. 

When the sex isn’t working, it easily bleeds into all other areas of your relationship. Perhaps you start to feel distant emotionally, finding it hard to confide in your partner about non-sexual problems. 

Maybe you start to go out more with your friends, and those date nights you used to enjoy together seem few and far between. 

You might even find that questioning your relationship is what led to your sexual issues. For some, they’re worries about not being able to trust their partner. For others, it’s about a worry they might not be right for one another. Leading all the closeness and intimate questions they used to ask each other to vanish.

As soon as you’re stuck in questioning mode, it can be hard to step out of it. And when you’re constantly in your head about your relationship – it’s hard to pay attention to anything even remotely attractive or sexual about your partner. And so you have even less sex – leading to even more arguments – and around and around it goes.

Different desires

Sometimes fighting about sex arises from distinctly different sexual interests. Maybe you’re really into bondage, while your partner prefers tantric sex. Or perhaps you can’t seem to agree on whether or not to try that new sexual thing that makes you nervous.

When we have different desires it’s easy for it to spiral into a conflict.

One where you perhaps both hurtle insults about one another being “abnormal” or liking something that’s not okay. 

If this sounds like you, try to work out why you’re angry about their interest. Oftentimes, it’s worry masquerading as anger – worry that you’re not enough or that things will end if you don’t agree on everything.

What fighting about sex does to a relationship

Fighting is normal in marriage and relationships. However, when you keep having the same argument time and time again, it can do a real number on your connection. 

Part of this is because of the meaning we assign to repetitive arguments. The other part is because conflict is inherently uncomfortable. 

If you believe that fighting about sex means things can never get better, of course your relationship will suffer. But if you understand the fights as multi-layered and as occurring as a means of trying to understand why your partner still hasn’t changed their mind or way of doing things – fights don’t appear nearly as threatening to your bond. 

When you’re both angry with one another your overall emotional connection often suffers.

It can feel hard even wanting to talk to each other about seemingly mundane things after you’ve both engaged in a shouting match. 

But it doesn’t have to be this way – there’s lots you can do to break the pattern and fight more constructively. Because whether you like it or not, fights are par for the course. But some can lead to positive change when done right. 

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

How to stop arguing about sex

Talk about sex when things are good 

While it’s tempting to bring up your lack of a sex life when you’re already arguing about household chores – try to refrain. The same goes for talking about sex when you’ve just been shut down for the umpteenth time. 

Part of the reason why your arguments always sound the same is because they occur when things are already heated. When you’re flooded with emotion and both feel attacked, it’s hard to be rational or productive. 

Talking about sex when things are good in your relationship (or the very least neutral), helps set you up for a more successful conversation. One where you both might find it easier to be vulnerable with each other. 

Where instead of saying “What’s wrong with you? All my friends ’ partners want sex just as much as them”, you share what’s really going on underneath: “I’m afraid your lack of sex drive means you’ve fallen out of love me”. 

And when you’re vulnerable and open, you get the chance to confirm one another, share love, and brainstorm concrete ways of changing your sexual patterns. 

By bringing up the topic of sex when you’re having a nice time with your partner, you’re giving your relationship a far better chance of resolving this conflict and moving forward.

Take responsibility for your part

Part of why fighting about sex is so deeply painful is because we’re often both stuck trying to convince the other person that we’re the ones truly suffering. But creating a mutually pleasurable sex life won’t happen if you’re more interested in who is right and who is wrong.

To have more and better sex, you have to recognize your part in the dynamic between you two. Because it takes two to argue, two to love, and two to have sex. And establishing who is in more or less pain is going to keep you stuck in this gridlock. 

Because you will never feel heard unless your partner can assume part of the responsibility – and the same goes for your partner, too.

And the truly great thing that happens when we feel heard? We want to hear our partner. When we feel validated, loved and respected, we’re much more likely to want to reciprocate. This in turn creates a really good foundation for a productive conversation about how to bridge your challenges. 

So, what’s one part of your current sexual issues that you could take responsibility for, right here and now? Once you have that answer, think of how you want to phrase it – and then take the plunge!

Appreciate the things your partner is getting right

Nothing kills desire more than feeling like you’re never enough. If you’re frustrated with a lack of sex, it might feel like the sex you had last weekend isn’t enough. However, if you share this with your partner, you’ll be killing the small flame that still exists between the two of you. 

The same goes for anything in a relationship, really. If your partner only ever points out what you’re not doing, instead of appreciating what you are doing, you’re gonna find that the positive behaviours start to disappear completely. 

So, if you get a kiss before work instead of a romp in the sack – big up the kiss! Share how it made you feel – warm, tingly, loved, excited. Let them know you’re looking forward to your next kiss. This will create a positive cycle where your partner might actually start wanting more sex again. 

If your partner says “that’s fine, should we cuddle in front of Netflix?” when you’ve said no to sex – let them know how comforting this was. Share how you felt respected, loved and cared for. 

Seek help if you can’t do it on your own

Sometimes the constant fighting feels (or becomes) near impossible to stop on your own. It seems that no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to bust out of the negative cycle. 

For a lot of couples this can feel like a failure. And as with so many other things in life, the meaning we attribute to the issue at hand is often responsible for most of this feeling. Because if you believe couples should be able to solve every single thing that comes their way otherwise they’re not a “good match” or “meant to be” – these perpetual fights will leave you feeling destined for separation. 

It’s not a failure and you’re not alone. 69% of all arguments are perpetual – meaning, getting stuck in an endless repeated argument is highly common. 

This is where sex and relationship therapists can make a world of difference. By helping you both communicate better and do strategic exercises – you can start to marry your differences and argue less. 

Because the truth about fighting about sex, what it really means, and how to stop – is that it can take time, but when you’re out on to the other side – all that stuff that you want, is waiting for you. 

The love, the sex, the closeness, the intimacy. But you need to start by understanding why you’re arguing about sex and the true meaning behind your and your partner’s feelings. This will point you towards your solution.