What is a Sex Therapist and How Can a Sex Therapist Help Me? Here’s How.
12 min read
As a sex therapist, I often get the question: what exactly is a sex therapist anyway? Like, really? Well, sex therapists are sex specialists. This means that a sex therapist can help you with any kind of concern or problem relating to sex and human sexuality.
Some people want help increasing their sex drive, whereas others want sex to stop pain during sex, or receive advice on how to turn their monogamous relationship into an open one.
What does a sex therapist do?
A sex therapist usually offers sex therapy as well as counselling, depending on their level of education and what is needed in order to help you. Some might even offer additional services such as sex coaching in order to help you with sexual and relationship difficulties that might not require treatment.
A sex therapist’s main job is to help you work out why you’re struggling with sex and what to change to start enjoying your sex life again. Because if you don’t understand what’s going on, it’s going to be near impossible to tailor the therapy to your needs in order for you to see results.
Sexual problems are often either caused by difficulties in a romantic relationship, or lead to issues in a relationship. For this reason it’s not uncommon to seek help for both sexual problems and relationship problems.
For example, you might want professional help working through:
- No sex drive or mismatched libidos and constant fighting about sex
- Erectile difficulties and lack of general intimacy in the relationship
- Different sexual preferences and difficulties with communication in general
But just because sexual and relationship difficulties often go hand in hand, doesn’t mean sex therapy is limited to couples or people in relationships.
Sex therapy is for anyone with a sexual difficulty, regardless of relationship status, and a lot of people actually seek out a sex therapist for individual sessions even if they’re part of a couple. Sometimes couples sessions are supplemented with individual ones, too. it all depends on what your therapist deems the best way forward for you.
What is a sex therapist?
A sex therapist is a mental health professional with further training in the field of human sexuality and Sexology.
Make sure to check your sex therapist’s qualifications as some people offer sex therapy without having any credits in Sexology. In fact, a lot of couples and marriage therapists’ haven’t studied human sexuality at all – making them a lesser fit than a trained and qualified sex therapist.
Sex therapists‘ qualifications
Sexology is a science, just like any other science, and you want to make sure that the counselling or therapy you’re receiving, is based on knowledge and best practices, not the therapist’s own sexuality and sexual preferences.
Sex therapists usually base their work on what we refer to as the bio-psycho-social model. This means your therapist likely takes all the different aspects of sexuality into consideration when they treat you.
This includes biological, psychological and sociocultural factors that may all be at play and contributing to your sexual challenges.
However despite this approach, sex therapy can look different depending on your therapist’s level of education, and the chosen therapeutic model they base their work on.
It may also vary depending on your sex therapist’s educational background; if you see a sex therapist who is a doctor versus a sex therapist who is a social worker or a psychologist, they’re likely going to have slightly different takes on your difficulties and what’s needed.
What is sex therapy?
Sex therapy is just like any other kind of psychotherapy – it’s a type of talking therapy that is often combined with exercises to do at home in between sessions.
In this regard, seeing a sex therapist is much like seeing any other therapist, counsellor or psychologist; you receive psychological help, except the therapist is also specialized in sexology.
Sex therapy exercises
It can feel a little daunting to think about receiving sex therapy exercises. You can rest assured the therapy sessions themselves never involve anything remotely sexual though.
Exercises can have more of a psychological character or more of a physiological character. They can range from getting to know yourself and your body better, or working on regaining emotional intimacy with your partner.
The sex therapy exercises are tailored to fit your unique needs and depending on your therapist’s background these may be something you’re given every session or only once in a while.
You may also receive these types of exercises if you choose to work with a sex therapist in an online program or course. Sex therapy like this is far easier to access as it can be done from the comfort of your own home, and it can also be a great addition if you feel too nervous talking about sex with someone face to face.
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How many sessions you need in sex therapy
Sometimes all you need is a few sessions with a sex therapist to straighten something out, other times you might need a lot of help before things get better.
At the beginning it might not be clear just how many sessions are needed as you and your therapist are still getting to know one another. Therefore, sex sex therapists will often want to see you at least 2-3 times, before they can assess whether you need long-term or short-term therapy.
They will also need to assess whether they’re the best fit for what you need. Some sex therapists are specialists in one or more areas, which means they might refer you to another professional if what you’re looking to get help for isn’t within their wheelhouse.
We do everything we can to make it relaxed
A lot of people feel nervous about going to see a sex therapist – so if that’s you, know you’re definitely not alone! Most of us don’t usually talk about our sex lives with others, especially not with strangers.
As sex therapists, we’ve pretty much seen and heard everything, so you really don’t have to be worried (even though it’s understandable if you are).
A good sex therapist will usually try and put you at ease. My experience as a sex therapist is that most people usually find it more nerve-wracking before the actual session begins, and a few minutes into it, they’re not as uncomfortable and awkward as they thought they would be.
Remember, if you’re asked questions you don’t feel comfortable answering, always make sure to let the therapist know.
Sex therapy isn’t only about sex
A sex therapist usually tries to get as a holistic view of your problem as possible. This means that you might spend large portions of sessions, or even whole therapies, discussing things that might seem irrelevant to your sexual concern. This can include things such as your family background, everyday stressors, or problems at work.
This is completely normal!
Sex and sexuality are much more complicated than a lot of us have been led to believe, which means almost anything in your life can affect it, even if it seems a stretch.
In fact, emotions control sex, our desire for it and how much we enjoy sex, which is why it’s important to look at things holistically.
Last but not least – you always have the right to seek professional help for sexual concerns or problems. And if you can’t find a sex therapist in your area, there are usually a lot of therapists who offer sessions online, and there are a plethora of online courses out there too, that can be of help should you want a more self-guided approach.
Sexologist Vs. Sex Therapist
When deciding where to seek help it can be important to understand the difference between a sexologist vs. a sex therapist – as they’re not always one and the same.
A sex therapist often works with people over a longer period of time whereas a sexologist often provides shorter solutions.
A sex therapist often needs to be licensed in order to provide therapy. This does vary though from country to country, so please check your local requirements. However, a sexologist might not necessarily need a license to help you.
Furthermore, a sexologist often has more of an advanced degree, such as a Masters or a Ph.D. However, just because this is more common it doesn’t mean sex therapists never have advanced degrees themselves, in fact a lot of them do. Sexologists can also be both researchers and work clinically with clients.
Remember this about seeing a sex therapist
If you’re looking for someone to help you with sexual difficulties or concerns – make sure you know what a sex therapist is and does so you can suss out the real ones from the ones who don’t have any formal qualifications – and the one that is right for you.
Sexual problems aren’t “champagne problems” – they’re real issues that can have a detrimental effect on your well-being and lead to physical and psychological health issues if left untreated.
Take yourself seriously – you’re worth it.
What Is A Sex Therapist & What Is Sex Therapy FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)
There are lots of reasons why a couple might see a sex therapist. Some common ones are:
– Mismatched libidos or low sex drive
– Difficulties getting aroused or sustaining an erection
– Orgasm difficulties; both orgasming sooner than you’d like to or later than you’d like to
– Mismatched sexual preferences or fantasies
– Pain during sex
– Infidelity
– Sexual trauma
– Relationship difficulties stemming from sexual difficulties
– Sexual and relationship difficulties
A lot of couples struggle to talk about their sex lives, especially when there are issues present. This isn’t strange – most of us weren’t taught how to talk about intimacy. However, it’s an important skill to learn as couples who talk about sex often have better sex (and more of it). A sex therapist can help you both become better at communicating about sex, as well as treat any sexual problems either you and/or your partner have.
The easiest way to find a sex therapist is to do a quick google search. Specify whether you want one in your local area or if you would like to meet one online.
Depending on your preference you can also search for a sex therapist who offers online workshops, courses, or interactive programs. For people who travel a lot for work or don’t want to see a sex therapist face-to-face, this last option may be the most comfortable and convenient for you.
While sex therapy isn’t a quick fix – it can vary tremendously in length. Sometimes all you need is a session or two to get your sex drive back or start orgasming again. However for a lot of people, you’re looking at a longer commitment of 1-2 years.
The length of sex therapy also depends on your sex therapists’ background and the modality they use. For instance, if you see a therapist specialized in CBT you likely won’t have as many sessions as someone who is educated in psychodynamic therapy.
At the end of the day it’s important to note that while sex therapy may vary in length – if the solution is going to be sustainable, you’re looking at spending at least 3 months in order to see change and maintain it.
Last updated 21/12/2023.
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
