Difficulty orgasming can be tough on both parties in a relationship or marriage. What may start out as a seemingly individual issue, can quickly turn into a relationship one, leaving both partners feeling like they’re falling short.
The person who can’t come feels like they’re consistently missing the sexual mark. Like there’s something wrong with them – that they’re disappointing.
In turn, the partner feels like they must be doing something wrong – that they’re bad in bed. Possibly even, unattractive.
The ripple effects of orgasm difficulties in one – can run deep and far and affect your relationship. For the partner, it can be hard to not get wrapped up in the emotions brought on by an absent climax. It’s, however, important to try not to. And this piece will help you do just that.
Orgasms can quickly turn from an enjoyable eruption to a performance-oriented goal. This can easily happen if your partner feels like they need to orgasm for your sake.
If your partner isn’t coming, they’re likely feeling a lot of pressure from within to climax. This is why it’s important you not contribute to that pressure with your own set of insecurities and worries.
One way of making sure this doesn’t happen, is dealing with your emotions. If your partner’s difficulty orgasming makes you feel subpar in the bedroom, you’re not alone. This is a common reaction, often brought on by ideas of orgasms signifying what ends sex, what good sex is, and how good of a lover you are.
These thoughts can be tough to deal with and spark lots of unpleasant feelings.
It is, however, essential to find a way of dealing with these emotions, so they don’t affect your partner negatively.
Your partner’s orgasm should be about them.
If your feelings about their absent climax become more important than their own – their orgasm moves even further away from pleasure and more into performance territory.
When we experience negative emotions, it’s not uncommon to try to shut them out completely. But in order for them to disappear, you need to actually feel them and move through them. If you’d like help with this, my free resource, A Manual For Emotions, will help guide you through feeling your feelings and letting them go.
For some, difficulty orgasming affects them not because they truly want to climax, but because they feel there’s something wrong with them if they don’t.
For others, orgasms matter a great deal and they want to feel that eruption of pleasure. They want to get lost in the moment and experience that release that orgasms can offer them.
Make sure to ask your partner how they feel about orgasms – if they’re important to them or not. And when they tell you – don’t be afraid to go a little deeper and ask them why they feel the way they feel.
So long as you don’t question them, this kind of interest in your partner and their feelings will help you both experience more emotional intimacy and sexual pleasure in the long run. Get curious about what triggers sexual desire in your partner, and ask them what they enjoy, sexually.
Helping your partner minimize the pressure to have an orgasm, is paramount.
If they want to climax, you can help them do this by simply removing the stress surrounding orgasms.
Let your partner know that you want them to experience pleasure. Tell them that you don’t want sex to turn into yet another arena where they feel they must perform.
Sex isn’t a job – it’s a moment of connection, intimacy and enjoyment.
Ask them what they need from you to feel less pressure. Perhaps they need to know that you’ll work together to find techniques to try out? Or that you’re willing to invest in a sex toy to try out during sex?
Maybe what they really need to hear, is that you’re okay with them not having an orgasm, and that if it happens, it happens.
Whatever it is they want and need – find ways of giving it to them (so long as you’re on board, of course).
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Difficulty orgasming can turn sex and your relationship sour. If this sounds like you, seeing a sex therapist sooner, rather than later, might be your best option.
A lot of times, we seek help when it’s a little too late. When the annoyances have turned into arguments, decreased intimacy and feelings of resentment.
Sometimes it can be hard to accept that sexual difficulties can have this effect on relationships and marriages – but they can. And the best way of combating this is seeking help early.
It might feel nerve-wracking to book that first appointment, but rest assured, sex therapists have seen and heard it all – and we don’t find it awkward in the slightest.
All we want is to help guide you to greater emotional, relationship and sexual well-being.
Having difficulties climaxing is common. If your partner’s difficulties have started to affect you, your relationship, or most importantly – their own mental and sexual health – it’s important to lend them a helping hand.
This is best done by:
Dealing with your own feelings about their absent orgasm (remember, it’s about them, not you)
Asking your partner how important their orgasm is to them
Reducing the pressure your partner may be feeling to actually climax
Seeing a sex therapist together – to deal with the feelings and thoughts surrounding orgasms and your joint sex life – as well as to have orgasms and enjoy sex more.
There’s nothing wrong with your partner if they can’t come – and with your help, orgasms might just be on the cards – soon.
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With 11 years of experience in the helping profession - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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