Should Couples Share Sexual Fantasies? Science Has Answers

11 minute read

Most of us have sexual fantasies (even when we think we don’t!). And research shows they can boost desire, arousal, orgasm consistency, and overall pleasure. All pretty great things.

But here’s the kicker: many of us never share them. Not because our fantasies are necessarily “outrageous”, but because we’re scared of what will happen if we do. Will our partner judge us? Maybe be disgusted or feel pressured? Or, worst of all, what if they stop loving us altogether?

That fear keeps a lot of us silent.

And yet, a new study suggests the reality looks very different.

Prefer to listen instead? Listen to the podcast episode from In Bed with Science: a Sex Podcast, below.

What the Research Says

A 2024 study published in The Journal of Sex Research (Kimberly et al.) explored why people do—or don’t—share fantasies, and how partners actually respond.

Here’s what they found:

• Most people have shared a fantasy. 69% of participants had disclosed a fantasy to a partner.
  
  
• Responses were overwhelmingly positive. Over 80% said their partner responded with openness, curiosity, or even excitement.
  
  
• But those who kept quiet expected the opposite. Nearly half of those who hadn’t shared said they feared judgment, rejection, or discomfort.

In other words: many of us brace for a storm that never comes. And the problem with this, is that not sharing might be standing in the way of really great sex, a higher libido, and more orgasms.

The Fantasy Content Isn’t The Reason

When I was reading through this research, one of the things that really surprised me is that the actual content of the fantasy didn’t predict whether someone shared it or not. You might assume people are more likely to share the “normal” fantasies and hide the ones that feel more taboo. But that’s not what the researchers found.

And I think that’s such an important reminder. Because so often, we get caught in this trap of thinking: “If only my fantasy were more normal, I’d feel okay saying it out loud.”

But in reality, even so-called normal fantasies can feel incredibly vulnerable to share, while some people happily disclose fantasies that might seem much more “out there.”

Another thing that stood out is the sheer gap between fear and reality.

Almost 50% of people who didn’t share said it was because they expected a negative reaction. But in reality, over 80% of those who did share had a positive experience — their partners were curious, open, even excited. That’s a pretty staggering difference.

And yet, silence came at a cost, too. Some participants said that not sharing left them feeling split, like they were hiding an essential part of themselves. Especially if a big part of your identity is your sexuality — the not sharing becomes problematic in several ways.

So while secrecy can feel like protection, it can also turn into a barrier to intimacy.

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My Take As A Sex Therapist on Whether Couples Should Share Fantasies

Often when clients come to me to get help with their low desire, we discover there are things that turn them on — fantasies, memories, mental images. For some, so locked away that they can’t access them. For others, at the forefront of their minds, yet they still stay quiet.

And usually the fear isn’t really about the fantasy itself, it’s about what happens after they share. Will my partner think I’m too much? Will they look at me differently? Will they think something’s wrong with me?

At its heart, it’s about the fear of not being loved or accepted if they show this side of themselves. And sometimes, it’s also about even accepting that you have these fantasies, that’s the issue. Because you feel guilt-ridden even having them — or like you doused in shame.

So people stay silent, convinced they’re protecting their relationship, or themselves. But in doing so, they’re also keeping themselves from potential intimacy and pleasure. Or simply, feeling that desire and pull toward their partner again.

Now, I want to be clear: not everyone feels they have fantasies. And sometimes, you don’t.

The thing is, when your desire is nonexistent, you sometimes can’t remember that you ever did. Or you believe you didn’t because you think a fantasy has to be an outlandish idea for it to “count”.

But when I work with clients in my 1:1 online program Re:Desire, it becomes clear that there are things that are possible turn-ons. They’ve just been locked away, perhaps by the sheer stress surrounding sex, or the chore-like feeling that arises when your partner gets close.

For those who are aware of their fantasies — it’s important to work out whether you should be sharing them.

Just because you have fantasies – it doesn’t mean you have to share them.

Keeping a fantasy private can be just as valid. The important thing is to be intentional — sharing because you want to, not because you think you should.

And here’s something I remind my clients of all the time: saying a fantasy out loud doesn’t mean you’ve signed a contract to act it out. A fantasy can simply be a fantasy.

Sometimes sharing it is about feeling seen and known — not about changing what you do in bed.

A Simple Reflection Exercise: Should I Share My Sexual Fantasy or Not?

If you’re wondering whether sharing a fantasy is right for you, here’s an exercise you can try. It can also be downloaded for free here, so you can fill it out in real time.

It’s designed to help you sort through your own feelings and choices — so whether you share or not, you’ll be doing it for reasons that feel right to you.

Reflect on Your Fantasy

Think of a sexual fantasy you’ve had more than once.

• What feelings come up when you think about sharing it with your current partner or a future one? Shame? Guilt? Worry? Maybe even arousal, longing, or excitement?
  
  
• And what would make you want to share this? Maybe you want to try something new together, bring fresh energy into your sex life, or you’re simply curious about how your partner might respond.

Identify Your Hidden Blocks

What’s stopping you from sharing it?

• Maybe you’re afraid they’ll be hurt, disgusted, or want to leave. Maybe you’re convinced they wouldn’t be into the same things.
  
  
• And then ask yourself: where did I learn that fantasies — or even having them at all — are unacceptable? Was it from religion, where lust was equated with infidelity? From jokes that made your fantasy sound “sick” or wrong? Or from porn, which isn’t exactly framed as healthy in our culture?
  
  
• Finally, imagine your partner responding supportively. Does that change how you feel? Do you feel lighter, warmer, maybe even turned on by the idea of them being open to it?

Clarify What You Want (Not What You Believe You Should Do)

After all this reflection — do you want to share your fantasy — yes, no, or maybe?

• What would sharing give you emotionally or relationally? Could it help you feel closer, more validated, more turned on?
  
  
• And if you decide not to share, is there another way to honour the fantasy? Maybe through erotic stories, self-pleasure, or connecting with others online who have similar desires — not to act them out, but simply to feel less alone.

The Bottom Line

Sharing sexual fantasies can:

• Increase intimacy and pleasure
• Boost communication
• Strengthen relationships
• Increase desire, arousal and orgasm consistency

But it’s not a measure of how “exciting” you are as a partner. Or how open you are as a person. It’s about choice.

If you do choose to share, let it come from a place of curiosity and desire — not obligation. And if you don’t, that’s valid too. The only person who can decide whether it’s right is you.

Because ultimately, sex isn’t just about sex. It’s about being seen, accepted, loved, and embraced for all of you — and sometimes sharing your fantasies, is a shortcut there.