How the Mental Load Impacts Women’s Sex Drive (and What to Do About It)

10 minute read

When we talk about sex drive, the conversation often goes straight to hormones, complicated techniques, or whether there’s chemistry. But there’s a whole other piece of the puzzle that rarely gets discussed — the mental load in a relationship or marriage.

Who does the housework? Who keeps track of birthdays, doctor’s appointments, and permission slips? Who notices when the bins need to go out, or when to do the laundry so it’s ready by Monday?

These invisible — and very visible — tasks don’t just affect how connected we feel. They also affect how much desire we feel for our partner.

That’s the focus of a fascinating study led by psychologist and researcher Dr. Simone Buzwell, who has been studying sexuality for three decades. Her team looked at how relationship equity impacts female sexual desire, and the findings say a lot about why desire dampens in some partnerships but not in others.

Prefer to listen instead? Listen to the podcast episode from In Bed with Science: a Sex Podcast, below.

The Mental Load and Low Sex Drive

Here’s what the research found:

• When women felt the balance of household and life tasks was unequal, their relationship satisfaction dropped.
  
  
• That lower satisfaction, in turn, led to lower sexual desire for their partner.
  
  
• It wasn’t that inequity directly killed desire — it was that resentment, exhaustion, and the mental load in women that got in the way of seeing a partner as sexually appealing.

In plain terms: if you feel like you’re carrying the mental load, you’re not exactly brimming with energy for sex.

And it wasn’t just about hoovering or dishes. It was all the thinking work: remembering school events, buying gifts, organising family schedules. The relentless cognitive labour — what we call the mental load — that women often disproportionately shoulder.

When that work isn’t shared, it drains energy, builds resentment, and chips away at desire. For many women, that’s a direct line to low sex drive.

Why Low Desire Shows Up More in Heterosexual Couples

The study also highlighted something that mirrors many other findings:

• Women in heterosexual relationships reported lower levels of both solitary and partnered desire than women in same-sex relationships.

Why? There are a few possible reasons outlined by Dr. Simone Buzwell:

• In heterosexual couples, women are more likely to prioritise their male partner’s needs over their own.
  
  
• In same-sex couples, partners are more likely to share the goal of mutually prioritising one another — which creates more room for desire to flourish.
  
  
• Gender roles play a huge part. From a young age, women are socialised to care for others, while men are socialised to put their own needs first. Those dynamics don’t just disappear in adulthood — and both genders are caged in by them.

This finding shows that it’s not that women stop wanting sex in same-sex relationships. It’s that inequity, gender roles, and the constant mental load weigh heavily on women partnered with men.

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Solitary Desire vs. Dyadic Desire

One of the most interesting parts of the study is that solitary desire (desire we feel on our own, for ourselves) wasn’t impacted by relationship equity.

In other words: you can still feel desire privately, even when you don’t feel much desire for your partner.

That’s because these are two different kinds of desire — and they don’t always line up. It’s a reminder that desire is complex, and that we can’t reduce it to one simple model.

Male vs Female Sexuality: More Complex Than We Think

Male Sexuality as Simple

There’s often a cultural assumption that male sexuality is simple, whereas female sexuality is complex. But in my clinical practice as a sex therapist helping people of all genders, I think this oversimplifies things in a way that isn’t helpful.

What I’ve found is that for a lot of heterosexual men, this is the first time they’ve ever really analysed their sexuality and their desire. They’ve never looked at it as something that could be complex, because we’ve long talked about male sexuality as ever-present.

We’re taught to think of male desire as constant, uncomplicated, and always switched “on.” Desire framed as instinct, not inquiry.

Whereas with heterosexual women (and same-sex attracted women), there’s often more of a history of questioning — and that may be because female sexuality has been downplayed for so long. It’s wrapped in so much shame that a complicated relationship with sex has almost always existed, even without specific sexual “difficulties.”

But here’s where I think we need to be careful: calling male sexuality simple — even as shorthand — doesn’t really capture it.

In my experience, it’s not that men’s desire is simple. It’s that it’s been studied simply. Talked about simply. Male sexuality is often reduced to function rather than experience. According to the National Library of Medicine, there are copious amounts of studies on erectile function compared to the number of studies on male desire.

And that leaves many men feeling like there’s something wrong with them if they don’t fit the mold.

If their desire is inconsistent, tied to emotional connection, or disrupted by stress — all completely normal things — they often feel “less than,” or less manly.

Female Sexuality as Mysterious

So we’re left with this unhelpful divide: women’s desire seen as mysterious and broken, men’s as basic and biologically inevitable — and neither is really true.

And even though researchers are clamouring to find quick-fixes such as ‘female viagra’ (Bremelanotide), these have been proven not to work. Why?

Because the reality is: everyone’s desire is context-dependent. Everyone’s sexuality is shaped by culture, power, emotional safety, and relational dynamics.

And it may look like male sexuality is more present — but that’s often because, in heterosexual relationships where domestic labour is uneven, men aren’t the ones lying awake mentally tallying what’s left to do. That invisible mental load weighs on desire.

Now, that doesn’t mean men don’t carry pressure. They do — often a different kind: being the breadwinner, the fixer, the one expected to hold it together.

This isn’t about men having it easy. It’s about acknowledging that inequity shows up differently for men and women — and that both are shaped by the roles we’ve inherited.

Sex Drive Isn’t Transactional (and Why That Oprah Line Still Annoys Me)

Reading this research reminded me of something I heard in my early 20s. Oprah once said: “Taking out the trash is foreplay.”

At the time, it rubbed me the wrong way. It made sex sound transactional — like the prize for good behaviour.

But here’s the nuance: while desire is not a checklist (“take out the bins and you get sex”), equity does impact desire. Not because chores are sexy, but because fairness shapes how satisfied we feel in the relationship. And satisfaction is what makes space for desire to grow.

When resentment takes over, it’s hard to feel open, playful, or turned on.

So yes, balance matters. But not as a bribe — as part of the foundation of a healthy, thriving relationship.

How to Explain the Mental Load to a Husband (or Partner)

So what does this mean if you’re in a relationship where desire feels low and equity feels off? Well, it means if you want things to change, you’ll likely need to have a few conversations about it.

1. Acknowledge what’s going on

Acknowledge the invisible work; the planning, the scheduling, the remembering.

If one partner is carrying that load, address it. Awareness is the first step. And this is also where that common question comes in: how to explain the mental load to a husband (or partner).

It’s so easy for it to feel like nagging (that never changes things anyway, right?). But it’s not, and how you bring it up can change how it feels for both of you.

Because sometimes, our partner downplays our experience when we share it with them. And while it may feel like it’s because they don’t care, it’s often a defence mechanism. They may feel guilty, ashamed, or overwhelmed. This can lead the conversation to turn defensive instead of constructive, which is why framing things positively can help.

For example: instead of “You never help out,” try:

“I’ve noticed I feel frustrated about housework sometimes, because I think I feel like I’m expected to do more. Could we talk about it and how to make things feel better?”

The second example opens up for a more friction-free conversation. And if you need more practical help to actually see who does what (because sometimes we both believe we’re doing more!), here’s a free exercise created by Malmö Stad in Sweden.

The checklist above helps you and your partner reflect on the division of labour and make those invisible tasks visible. Sometimes, seeing it all on paper is what makes real conversations possible.

2. Check your defences

If your partner says they feel exhausted and less sexual because of inequity, believe them. Dismissing it only deepens the divide and creates more resentment.

Likewise, if your partner feels unfairly accused (which is common when we feel attacked), don’t dismiss them right away. Instead, open up the conversation to see what they feel they’re doing a lot of.

This isn’t about who is the most right (even if that’s a tempting trap to fall into), it’s about coming together as a team. This can only be done when we’re not trying to “win”.

3. Make space for vulnerability

Talking about sex and fairness can be uncomfortable and sometimes even scary. This is why it helps to bring in a third party — a sex therapist or coach — to break the gridlock and make for a less loaded conversation.

Remember, both partners have work to do. Sometimes we struggle to step back and allow our partner to take on more, because we’re used to holding it all.

But your partner can’t “step up to the plate” if everything is already being done. See what you can decide to let go of, and let your partner know you’re putting them in charge of it now. And then give them more time and space then you ideally would want, to let them show you they’ve got it.

Re-learning patterns and habits takes time, for both.

The Bigger Picture: Inequity, Power, and Sex Drive

At its core, this research reminds us that desire is not just about hormones or sex techniques. It’s relational and cultural and is therefore shaped by equity, fairness, and how much space women have to be both caring and sexual.

It also reminds us that inequity isn’t just about chores. It’s about power. And restoring that balance doesn’t necessarily mean splitting the packed lunches 50/50.

It’s about mutual respect, emotional support, and the conscious choice of how you want your relationship to look — rather than falling into roles by default.

Because when things feel fairer, resentment eases. And when resentment eases, sex drive doesn’t feel quite so far away.

Ultimately, equity is less about who takes the bins out, and more about creating a relationship where both partners feel valued, supported, and free.

And that, more than anything, can be what keeps desire alive.