Missing the Sex You Used to Have? Why Remembering It Can Help — Or Hurt Desire

9 minute read

“I miss the sex we used to have” — one of the most common things I hear in my work as a sex therapist and intimacy coach. And it’s usually followed by the same things; shame, worry, and fear.

Because there’s a widespread belief that if you’re missing the sex you used to have, it must mean something is wrong with your relationship. That remembering the past is proof the present isn’t good enough – and never will be.

But that belief simply isn’t true.

In a recent study published in The Journal of Sex Research, the authors explored part of this phenomenon — sexual nostalgia; the sentimental longing for past sexual experiences with your current partner.

And the study shows that this longing can either be helpful or harmful. It can ignite positive feelings of connectedness and intimacy — or a belief that what once was is lost forever.

Prefer to listen instead? You can listen to the podcast episode from In Bed with Science: a Sex Podcast below.

What Sexual Nostalgia Is (and Why It Matters for Desire in Long-Term Relationships)

Sexual nostalgia isn’t just about remembering a time when you had better sex.

The study found that what people tended to recall wasn’t just about the purely physical act of sex. It was about the emotional closeness and how connected they felt afterwards.

The atmosphere in the room. The small sensory details.

It was about what sex represented in their relationship at the time.

In other words, sexual nostalgia was largely about connection and meaning, not just arousal or number of orgasms.

And this matters a lot. Because when we’re not having the kinds of sex we used to have — or having sex period — it’s not just sex we’re losing.

It’s closeness, safety, excitement, and feeling wanted.

When Remembering Past Sex Helps — And When It Hurts Desire

One of the key findings from the study was that people who reminisced more about sex with their partner tended to report higher sexual satisfaction.

That doesn’t mean nostalgia causes satisfaction — the relationship likely goes both ways. But it does suggest that remembering positive sexual experiences can have a positive effect. Possibly even if you’re not having great sex right now, or having sex at all.

But at the same time, the research shows that nostalgia can backfire.

Specifically, when remembering past sex turns into an idealisation of the past. Thinking that things were better then, and they’ll never be that good again, can increase dissatisfaction, particularly if your relationship already feels strained.

This is something I’ve seen a lot of over the years, where a positive memory that could serve as inspiration and hope, instead becomes proof of your relationship’s demise.

It’s the meaning and the belief we tie to the memory, that is a big part of whether nostalgia furthers desire or impedes it.

Attachment Styles and Sexual Nostalgia

The study also found that sexual nostalgia was most strongly associated with satisfaction in people with an anxious attachment pattern — those who tend to worry about closeness, reassurance, or abandonment.

One possible explanation is that nostalgia can offer a temporary feeling of connection. Because even if you’re not actively having sex right now, remembering past memories of closeness can still soothe anxiety.

And interestingly, the study didn’t measure how much sex participants were having. This could potentially point to how some people felt more sexually satisfied through reminiscing, without actually having sex at all.

---

WANT YOUR SEX DRIVE BACK?

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Yes, please!

---

Turn-Ons, Turn-Offs, and Why Sexual Desire Changes Over Time

The researchers mention that using nostalgia deliberately, might help you if you’re struggling with a lack of desire or satisfaction.

And here’s the thing — I’ve seen this exact thing happen in my practice a lot.

But — nostalgia is a tool, not a time machine. And when we try to use it to ignite desire in our present day, it doesn’t always work.

Why? Because sometimes, part of what we enjoyed worked better for us in one season of life because of who we were then and what life looked like. But what you want now, what brings you pleasure and satisfaction — and what turns you on — might not be the same.

For instance, maybe sexy lingerie used to be your thing.

It made you feel desired, confident, and it lit that spark easily.

But now, it feels “meh”. It doesn’t turn you on or off, it just doesn’t land in your body the way it once did.

That’s a really common kind of turn-on shift — not driven by a problem, but simply because you’ve changed, or your erotic wiring has evolved, or the dynamics that worked then don’t hold the same charge now.

And in those cases, it’s less about trying to recreate that old feeling, and trying to follow what your body responds to today.

Maybe that’s the feeling of your partner’s lips.

The warmth of your partner’s naked skin pressed against yours.

Maybe it’s focusing on touch rather than being “on display” for your partner.

Because your desire hasn’t disappeared, it’s just hiding somewhere else, within another turn-on.

And then there are turn-ons that shift because of turn-offs.

Maybe you used to love being blindfolded or spanked — the surprise, the intensity, the thrill of giving up control. But right now, you’re so stressed or overstimulated during the day that being plunged, quite literally, into the dark doesn’t feel safe enough to relax into.

In this case, the turn-on turns into a turn-off, because your nervous system is in a state of fight or flight or possibly functional freeze.

In this case, you have the option; deep work to get your body to a place of regulation, so you can enjoy what you once wanted. Or, a temporary fix to tweak your turn-on.

Tweaking can look like:

Keeping your eyes open. Maybe by watching your partner as they touch you or hold your wrists — you feel more safety, but still get part of the excitement from the fantasy.

It’s still the same turn-on, but the way it’s being used and expressed is different.

And that’s the point: turn-ons change for lots of reasons. And it doesn’t mean you can never get them back the way they used to be.

But it also means being open to how your sexuality changes over time. Because it does. For everyone.

Sometimes though, no matter how hard we try, we simply can’t connect with what gets us going now, no matter how “open” we are to the idea that things have changed.

We’ve lost that connection to ourselves, to our inner eroticism.

And when that happens, it’s about working on the deeper layers; things like thought patterns, body confidence, the way we relate to ourselves, how we connect to our partner, the stress and pressure we feel inside. Sometimes, the shame and the disgust.

This is where the help of a sex therapist is key.

Using Sexual Nostalgia Without Getting Stuck

All in all, this important piece of research shows that reminiscing about previous sexual experiences can increase satisfaction with your sex life. And that this is especially beneficial for those who are anxiously attached.

While we don’t have the research yet proving this is a tool you can use today to access more desire —from my clinical experience — it can be powerful. But it hinges on how you use it as a tool, which is what we’ll cover next.

A Simple Exercise to Access Desire Through Memory

Inspired by research on the benefits of nostalgia, this exercise is created to help you ignite desire by using memories of past sexual experiences. Even if your sex life doesn’t look the way it used to, it doesn’t mean it can’t again.

If you would prefer to download the free exercise “Access Your Desire Through Memory” and get more tips on how to get your desire back, click here and scroll to the bottom of the page.

• Think back to a time when you and your partner had great sex. If a sexy memory doesn’t come up right away, that’s normal. Give it some time — pause here if you need to.
  
  Try and bring to mind what was going on: where were you? Your bedroom? The kitchen? A tent?

• Think back to what you were doing sexually.
  
  Maybe you were giving them oral sex, or you were being stimulated with a sex toy while blindfolded. Or you were having vaginal sex with unbelievably connected eye contact.
  
  
• What could you see? Feel? Smell? Taste?
  
  Connecting with the senses from that experience, will help make it feel more real to you in the here and now and make it easier to remember.
  

• Whatever it was that was going on — when you have your memory in your mind — go back to your present-day body.
  
  What do you feel? Do you feel a particular sensation somewhere in your body? Perhaps you feel warm, tingly, alive? Where is that feeling? And what happens when you focus on it?
  
  This practice — of connecting to your body when you’re reminiscing, is a good way of noticing desire and arousal. A way of re-awakening it. Because if you’re disconnected from your body, it’s usually hard ot want sex at all. Because arousal lives in our body.
  
  
• Next, notice how you’re feeling about your partner. Does it make you feel happy? Connected to them?
  
  If not, and it makes you sad, try noticing what thoughts are coming up that might be causing your sadness. Is it that you’re thinking “we’ll never have that again”, “things are always much better at the beginning of relationships”?
  
  If so, try reframing that thought with another, like “we’ve had it before, which means we can have it again”. Because truthfully, this is what my experience tells me. And if you’ve never had the fireworks together, it’s possible, too.
  
  
• Once you’ve connected to your body, see what happens the rest of the day. Do you continue on feeling a little lighter, happier, aroused? Or does it disappear right away? There are no rights or wrongs here, it’s simply connecting to a memory, to your body, and your partner
  .
  Notice how remembering good sex lands in your body today. If this exercise felt grounding or even a little bit erotic, that’s really useful data: it tells you that remembering past experiences might be one way back into desire and connection.
  
  If it mainly brought up heaviness, distance, or pain, that’s important data too. It might mean there’s more hurt that layer before nostalgia can feel helpful.

Either way, those memories don’t have to be proof that the best is behind you. They can be a compass pointing toward what matters to you sexually, and what you might want more of going forward.

Next Steps for More Desire and Really Good Sex

Missing the sex you used to have doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong with your relationship.

It simply means something needs to change for you to access your desire again — and have really great sex. When approached with curiosity and openness — past sexual memories can be a helpful tool in doing this.

And if remembering past sex merely feels painful, that doesn’t mean you should avoid going there forever. It may simply mean there are turn-offs, stressors, or emotional layers sitting on top of your desire that need attention first.

If you want support navigating that — and learning how to get desire back without forcing it — my 1:1 online program Re:Desire is open for enrollment.

Designed for the modern human, with way too much to do and not enough time to do it, I help you access your desire again for more and better sex. And it’s all done through a combination of weekly on-the-go 1:1 coaching, and video lessons and tangible exercises that can be accessed any time.

Desire doesn’t disappear – it responds. And I’m here to help you start responding positively to sex again.