3 Things To Avoid Saying When Talking To Your Partner About Sex

9 minute read

Talking about sex can be a tricky experience for many couples. As a sex coach and sex therapist, I’ve heard of and been privy to countless conversations about sex between couples. And it’s taught me this – there are lots of things to avoid saying when talking to your partner about sex. 

Why? 

Because the words you use don’t always land how you wish or intend them to. 

In fact – many attempts to talk about sex and mismatched libidos tend to go a bit haywire. They create even greater stress, anxiety and resentment between you, leaving you with less sex and less closeness.

So, let’s talk about how to talk about sex. 

Because when you understand how your words come across – you’ll unearth the traps and pitfalls in your choice of words. Essentially giving you a better understanding of how they make your partner feel – and what words you can choose instead.

Words that will deepen the understanding and love you both feel instead of creating a chasm between you.

The first thing to avoid doing when talking to your partner about sex – is using the word ‘normal’

This is a common pitfall and often stems from a feeling of hurt. 

If you’re the partner who wants more sex, you may want to address your experience as normal.

Or, you may want to find ways to convince your partner that your wishes or desires are normal.

Perhaps even that their wishes or desires are not normal.

This word can also be used as a way of lashing out. And other times it’s a word you default to in order to deal with shame or embarrassment surrounding sex. 

But however you used the word – it’s clear it never brings you closer. In fact, for most people, it has the opposite effect. 

Because when you say something “isn’t normal” essentially – you’re trying to express that you want your sex life to be different

But, by saying their way of behaving isn’t normal –  you’re subconsciously lashing out at your partner in the same way you feel they have hurt you. 

And, if you’re the partner with more desire, you’re doing this because you want to have sex more often

If you’re the partner who has no sex drive – you do this because you desperately want them to put less pressure on you about sex. Perhaps saying things like: “it’s not normal to want sex all the time!”

In both cases, it feels like criticism – even if what you mean to say is: this isn’t working for me and I want to find ways of being closer (whether sexual or otherwise).

Beyond this – the other challenge with ‘normal’ – is that it’s subjective 

There really is no norm when it comes to desire – because sex and desire are subjective experiences.

Yes, there are averages in terms of how often people desire sex. And there are actual diagnoses such as various sexual desire disorders, that aim to identify what is common and what might indicate issues. 

But everything is normal, and nothing is normal at the same time. Because we’re all different.

So this means it’s normal for your partner to want as much (or little) sex as they do. And, it’s normal for you to want sex as much as you do.

And there’s nothing wrong with either of you.

The other way the word ‘normal’ comes into play – is around trying new things

When your partner shares they’re interested in trying something new; perhaps a position, a sex toy, an experience, or a new turn-on – it can surprise or even shock us.

And when we’re surprised or shocked – our reaction might be one of judgment. Because we’re uncomfortable. Essentially leading us to revert to saying all the things we know we should avoid saying when talking about sex.

Things like, “that’s not normal.”

For instance, you might feel it’s not normal to like anal sex, or to want to explore bondage or role-playing. 

You might instantly feel concerned your partner wants to try this “new thing” with you know you have no interest in it yourself.

Here’s the thing – you don’t have to say yes to it – ever. The goal here is to take their words as information. Because sharing deep desires and interests doesn’t mean you have to make them a reality. It’s a way of bonding. And it’s a way of showing respect and love.

One more thing to consider, is that your partner sharing their desires – is often quite a vulnerable thing to do. They’re taking a risk – and hoping you’ll validate them and show up for the conversation. They’re risking judgment, the stuff we often go to far lengths to not have to experience. 

So instead of reverting to saying something like “that will never happen” or “that’s not normal”, consider thanking them for sharing you. Then let them know you want a little time to think about it. 

By doing that, you’re validating them and also giving yourself space to process.

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

This space allows you to think about how you feel about their request  

Ask yourself: would I like to do this? 

Would I not like to do this? 

What about this freaks me out or makes me uncomfortable? And why?

And if something does upset you – then you can share that with your partner. Ideally, from a place of honesty, and no judgment. The end goal is to be able to have a conversation with your partner where you both feel respected and heard. 

Because here’s the truth – even if it doesn’t turn you on, it does turn your partner on.

And it can cause quite a spiral of shame if you approach them from a judging place. Even if you don’t want to try what they want to try, you can still say this lovingly and offer validation. 

And if your conversation feels particularly difficult, you may have some past conversations to clear up before you can really be in a judgment-free space.

Sex means different things to different people 

For some people, when there is less sex – there is worry, anxiety, and stress about the health of their relationship.

Sometimes, this can lead partners to subconsciously putting pressure on their partner to have more sex. 

If you’re this person in your relationship – it’s really important to share your longing in a way that’s not blaming, shaming or pressuring them.

In a way that helps them understand that your frequent requests for sex are actually you expressing: 

• “I miss you. I miss us being together. I wonder what’s going on here. Can we talk about this?” 
• Instead of: “You never want to have sex with me anymore, what’s wrong with you?”

This way, you open up for a really constructive conversation about your relationship and your wants and desires. 

And this is done without comparing your relationship to other people’s relationships. Without comparing your levels of desire to your partner’s. And without placing blame.

The second thing to avoid saying – is complaining about your level of desire

Some of the most important things to avoid saying when talking about sex are phrases like “I’m so horny” or “when was the last time we had sex”. These instantly increase the pressure your partner likely already feels, to have sex. 

It acts as an instant turn-off for the partner who isn’t feeling the same way. This is especially true when a couple with mismatched libidos.

So –  if the end goal is to have sex with your partner and revel in the pleasure together – it’s ideal to avoid complaining for the sake of being heard.

Because sex isn’t like other areas in a relationship where you can forgo your own needs to please your partner. “Sure, I’ll do the dishes because you don’t want to” is very different from, “I’ll lay here and just do it so they stop complaining.” 

The second is actually veering into the treacherous territory of what is consensual vs non-consensual sex. And this is why it’s important to not complain about your desire, but rather to bring it up in a constructive way. 

Because the truth is that just because you feel desire – it doesn’t necessarily mean your partner needs to do anything.

Your feelings are your feelings. 

Your partner’s feelings are their feelings. 

And you need to have a productive conversation about it instead of putting your feelings onto your partner and having them take responsibility for them. 

Talking about sex from a positive, non-complaining or blaming way – is what will help you both create a great sex life together.

Finally, the third thing to avoid saying and doing (at all costs)- is begging, gatekeeping and non-consensual sex

If you haven’t had sex in a long time and it’s mainly been the low-desire partner’s choice – you might find yourself reverting to saying things like, “please just once, can’t you just do it this once?”

When it feels like your partner is “gatekeeping” sex away from you, and sex becomes a favour – you’re veering into territory where sex is a non-consensual experience.

And this is the last thing that you want for many reasons. 

First off, non-consensual sex is (obviously) a crime. 

Secondly, non-consensual sex isn’t enjoyable. Not for you and not for your partner either. 

The whole point of sex is to share this lovely experience together – not to be offered it as a favour or something that keeps the peace between you two.

When you put pressure on your partner by saying things like, “please, just this one time”  – essentially what you’re doing is telling them to override their feelings in order to give you sex. 

And exchanging sex for things or experiences hurts everyone. 

And sometimes – when your partner has sex with you even if they don’t want to – but desperately wish they did – it can still become murky fast.  Turning from consensual to abuse. 

Here’s what you should do instead

Talking about sex isn’t always easy. In fact, I’d go as far as to say – it’s often tricky and awkward. At least in the beginning. 

You may also find that you right now are at a time where it’s harder than it’s ever been to talk about these things. That’s all ok. Relationships and sex drives ebb and flow. 

Sometimes, the worry that there’s something wrong with you (or your partner) – can be overridden with just one healthy, loving conversation.

A conversation where you avoid saying things that hurt you both. One where you avoid criticizing each other with words like “normal”, “please” or complaining “I’m so horny all the time”

Instead, you’ll want to tap into the deeper meaning of what you’re feeling – and talk about that. From a perspective of solving – not blaming. From a place of “I miss you” not coercion. 

Because you both deserve to be in a relationship that meets your needs. And you both deserve to feel loved for who you are, and have sex be an extension of that love.

And if you can’t get the resolution you desire – please reach out. 

Mismatched sex drives aren’t an insurmountable obstacle (even if they can feel like that sometimes). It needs your care and attention to resolve and I can help you with that in my 1:1 online program Re:Desire.

With weekly coaching (by a sex therapist and coach specialized in mismatched libidos – me!) and bite-sized lessons and exercises – it’s the perfect place to begin. Even if you’ve had mismatched libidos for years and struggle to talk about sex.

You’re not alone and things can (and will) get so much better.