When just the thought of sex stresses you out or makes you feel.. nothing, it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that something is wrong. After all, your partner still wants sex – so you should too, right? But the thing is, if you do not want to have sex there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with you, and here’s why.
It’s understandable why you do not want to have sex
Sex drive isn’t this isolated biological mechanism in your body that works one day and doesn’t the next. In fact, this is why jumping straight to biological causes, such as wondering whether your hormones are out of whack – isn’t always helpful.
While biological factors do impact desire, causes of low libido in women and causes of low libido in men far outweigh just biological and medical factors (and the same goes for those of other gender identities, too!).
Desire is both affected by and made up of psychological factors, relationship factors and cultural factors. This means that things like;
- how you feel about your body,
- how happy your relationship is
- how stressed you are generally in life (sex and stress rather famously, do not usually go hand in hand)
- if you feel like you’re living up to society’s standards when it comes to sex and relationships –
all impact your willingness to have sex.
So, if sex no longer feels like a fun, pleasure-filled activity – we need to go back to basics to understand the answer to your question: why do I not want to have sex?
We’re not usually just horny out of the blue
We need to be motivated to have sex, whether that motivation is about getting closer to our partner, playing with power dynamics or releasing stress.
If the thought of sex with your partner makes you feel worried or anxious – take a step back and ask yourself why that is. And do this from a stance of nothing being wrong with you (because there likely isn’t).
If you look really closely at it, you may just realise you don’t want to have sex, because sex has become equated with stress, pressure and performance. It’s no longer just about “feeling in the mood” or not – it’s about everything; your beliefs about yourself, your partner, your sex life and your relationship.
It’s about the stressors of everyday life.
It’s about the overwhelm at your job.
It’s about not liking your body anymore.
It’s about not knowing what turns you on.
It’s about not being able to talk about sex with your partner.
To desire sex again. To want that intimate connection with your partner. To want to turned on and raring to go, sex needs to turn from stressful to *fun*.
Not wanting sex isn’t always about sex
As a sex therapist and coach specializing in low libido, I’ve spoken to countless people from all walks of life who experience little or no desire. Sometimes people have tried a whole host of strategies to get their desire back. Other times they’ve done nothing and have tried their best to avoid sex or physical closeness with their partner.
Because avoidance means not having to say no yet again.
But the thing is – no matter what your strategy for getting your desire back – it’s not just about what you do.
Articles often reduce low desire to a list of symptoms and things to ‘fix’. And while there is lots you can do (and I am big on teaching these strategies, too!), if you do not want to have sex , you need to work on more than just a few ‘fixes’.
Because low desire is also about:
- Whether or not you believe in yourself and your ability to feel desire again.
- It’s about whether or not you truly want to help to shift it.
- It’s about whether you believe you deserve sex – great sex.
And it’s about believing there’s nothing wrong with you and coming at desire and sex from a place of compassion and understanding. Because if it makes sense why you don’t want sex – then there truly is nothing wrong with you, right?
You get to decide if you do not want to have sex or if you want to want it
You’re not weird or broken if you don’t want to have sex. When you begin to understand how complex desire is, and you dig a little deeper, you’ll understand that if you do not want to have sex – it usually makes complete sense.
Because why would you want something that stresses you out? Or sex that feels.. boring?
With all my years of experience providing sex therapy and online sex coaching, I feel pretty confident in saying: you get to decide if you want your desire back. And if you don’t have the faith in your ability to do that right now – borrow some of mine. Yours will come along soon.
PS. If you don’t want your desire back – that’s okay, too.
To take the first step towards more desire and intimacy – download my free resource The Desire Test. This tool helps you pinpoint the exact reasons behind your low or non-existent sex drive. And when you know the answer to why you do not want to have sex; you can remove the blocks and start experiencing exciting sex again!
