Can Sexual Desire Be Restored After Sexual Trauma?

As a sex therapist who’s previously specialized in sex after sexual trauma, I’ve heard first hand of the repercussions sexual assault can have on people’s sexuality. It often leaves people wondering, “Can sexual desire be restored?” and “Am I sure I want to have it restored?”

Besides difficulties having an orgasm or getting an erection, low libido or no sex drive at all, is one of the most common sexual problems to stem from these experiences. And for some, sex feels like a hopeless project. 

Like you’ll never be able to want sex again, let alone actually have it. 

Like there’s something seriously wrong with you – that the experience broke you and made you both undeserving of and incapable of feeling desire and arousal. 

I want you to know that none of this is true. Can sexual desire be restored? Absolutely. Regardless of whether it’s been missing for months or for years. And I know this because I’ve helped many get there.  

How Can Sexual Desire Be Restored?

In order for us to reclaim our sexuality and feel in the mood for sex, one thing needs to happen first. 

Our Experiences Need To Be Processed. 

This can be done through psychotherapy. A common side effect of sexual trauma is PTSD. PTSD stands for post-traumatic stress disorder and is a mental health disorder that, among other things, often leads to nightmares, anxiety attacks, flashbacks, difficulties sleeping, and being easily startled or frightened. PTSD can also make sex difficult.

The best way to ensure that PTSD doesn’t arise after sexual abuse is seeing a therapist as quickly as possible.

Because PTSD is so common among survivors of sexual trauma, seeing a therapist even before the onset of symptoms is viewed today as the best way of lessening the risk of developing PTSD. If you’re currently experiencing PTSD, therapy will also help you combat the symptoms. 

While seeking a mental health professional is the best step,  it might not always be possible, or feel like something you’re ready to do.  This is okay – and it’s important you’re the one making the decision here. 

Sexual trauma triggers an enormous sense of loss of control and the last thing you want is for professional help to ignite the same kind of feeling. 

If this is you, the important thing to do in this instance is to try and receive some form of help, be it through a friend or a perhaps via a chat service. Locking in your pain tends to leave you feeling worse for wear in the long run, even if it might be the preferred option right now. 

Once you’ve received help in dealing with the events, you can start focusing on your sexuality. Even though a lot of us would rather skip the first step, your sexual wellbeing unfortunately can’t be separated from your overall wellbeing as there is an inextricable link between emotions and sex.

This means that if your body is still traumatized the likelihood of you regaining your libido will be small. 

This is because trauma leads to your body and mind being on constant alert. This constant alert leads to consistently elevated stress levels – and stress is one of the most prevalent libido killers out there (even though there are also a few who experience more sexual desire when they’re stressed). 

What Happens When We Disregard Our Mental Health

When we try and move past our experiences without fully working through them, anxiety can arise by just the thought of sex. 

This is also true for some who have gone to therapy and have reduced their symptoms. Sex can be seen as the final frontier – that last hurdle that feels impossible to get past and that triggers anxiety. 

If this happens, it’s important to remind yourself that this is your body and brain trying to protect you from something they believe is potentially dangerous.  

When sex is in the cards your brain immediately starts going through all the potential scenarios and catastrophes that could happen. Your body also prepares to deal with the situation by going into fight, flight or freeze mode.

You’re experiencing overload.

When this happens – your gut instinct is to steer clear of it.

That way you don’t have to deal with the gut-wrenching feeling of angst.

And from a short term perspective this is a good idea. Avoiding sex or anything that makes you think of sex will most likely ensure you don’t feel anxiety. 

However, in the long run, avoiding sex altogether can cause us to move further away from our sexual desire, leading us to find it more and more difficult to know what triggers sexual arousal.

By avoiding sex, the topic of sex in conversations, or sex scenes in movies, we’re teaching our brain that sex is dangerous. The more we do this, the more ingrained the anxious reaction in us becomes. 

In order for us to feel in the mood again, we need to deal with the anxiety and move towards sex, as opposed to away from it.

So if you’re wondering, how can sexual desire be restored after sexual trauma, this is where you need to focus your energy for it to happen.  

You can think of your libido as a motivational system. In order for it to arise your brain and body need to feel like it’s worth it. They need an incentive to kick start your sexual desire. 

When we have sex that makes us feel bad, or avoid sex altogether, we’re not giving our libido the incentive to show up. Only by finding coping strategies for our anxiety and reframing sex as a positive activity – can we restore our libido.

One way of doing this is by using the exercise below. 

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Getting Your Libido Back

1. First things first – it’s important to acknowledge the anxiety when it arises and give it a name.

    

   To deal with feelings we need to know what they are and recognize them when they show up. This can feel scary as anxiety often is overwhelming. But by listening to what your body and mind is telling you, you can actually reduce the anxiety. Let yourself move through the feeling – and notice how it diminishes in strength. 

    

2. Write a list of sexual or sensual activities that trigger anxiety.

    

   When you know what triggers your anxiety, you’re more equipped to avoid that which provokes it.

   Once you learn what needs to be avoided in a sexual situation, you can start focusing on the aspects that actually give you pleasure and comfort – therefore giving your brain and body more of an incentive to kick start your libido. 

   Note that this is a different approach compared to avoiding sex all together. In this instance you’re looking for things that ignite the most amount of resistance within you.

   This might mean avoiding sexual intercourse or avoiding giving oral sex. If for example pleasurable touch on the upper half of your body feels good – then that’s where you should stay for now.

   Things that might give you anxiety are:

   – vaginal penetration
   – having your breasts caressed
   – when something kisses your neck
   – lying on your side with your sex partner behind you

   Once you know what gives you anxiety, make a point of trying to avoid it next time. And if possible – let your partner know about what triggers you. This way they can avoid making a mistake that could make sex feel unsafe. They can also support you in case anxiety is triggered during the sexual activity. This increases your chances of regaining your libido.

3. Write a list of sexual or sensual activities that don’t give you anxiety and try them out.

   This might be difficult if you haven’t had sex or masturbated in a long time. If you’re unsure of what might feel good to you, the best way of finding out is trying to engage in some form or sexual activity.

   Partnered sex might be too big of a step, especially if you feel like your libido is non-existent. A better starting point might be masturbation and/or sexual fantasy.

   By allowing yourself to fantasize about sexual pleasure or touch that might feel good, you can get a sense of where your boundaries lie and what you might be willing to try. 

   Allowing yourself to explore your sexuality on your own is important. The goal here isn’t to try and fast forward to having sex with a partner. It’s to reclaim your sexuality and your libido. To teach your brain and your body that sex isn’t dangerous anymore. 

The more you experience sensual touch that feels good – be it through partner sex or masturbation – the more your brain and body will start to equate these things with positivity. This increases the chances of your libido coming back and of moving more and more towards the kind of sex life you want and deserve.