10 Surprising Reasons You Can Have Difficulty Achieving Orgasm

Though it’s nothing we’re likely to share over a coffee with friends – difficulty achieving orgasm is a common reality for a lot of us.

Be it for women and people with vulvas/vaginas, or men and people with penises, not being able to climax can make you feel abnormal and ashamed.

Some 30% of women are believed to have difficulties achieving orgasm, and even men suffer from delayed ejaculation/orgasm. Even if ejaculation and orgasm don’t always go hand in hand, those who have difficulties ejaculating usually also have difficulties reaching orgasm too.

Society views an orgasm as the finale of sex. The goal that we all should reach whenever we dabble in a bit of hanky panky. It would seem as if an orgasm is the only way to know whether sex was wholeheartedly enjoyable for all participants.

Because of this, not being able to come during sex can leave you feeling like a failure.

You’re not.

In fact, there are likely a lot of different reasons behind your non-existing orgasm – and ways to fix or get past them (if you want to).

The first step is gaining an understanding of why you can’t climax.

Listed below are 10 surprising reasons for orgasm difficulties for all sexes that will definitely be worth your time exploring!

1. Your pelvic floor muscles aren’t toned

When we have an orgasm our pelvic floor muscles contract quickly. For some this is felt quite strongly, whereas others hardly notice it. If you’re having trouble orgasming it could be because your pelvic floor muscles are weak. Weaker muscles have a harder time contracting the way they need to for us to climax.

Weak muscles can also affect erectile function in penises, causing the blood to flow too slowly. This in turn can lead to difficulties getting a hard erection, sustaining an erection and also having an orgasm. 

2. You’re having sex that doesn’t focus on the clitoris

For women and people with vulvas/vaginas the clitoris is of the utmost importance when it comes to enjoying sex and having an orgasm. The clitoris is the most sensitive part of our genitals and contains over 8,000 nerve endings. This is about double the nerve endings you find in a penis(!).

Because vaginal penetration is usually seen as “real sex” in heterosexual relationships, and all other types of sex as merely foreplay, a lot of us are having sex that doesn’t quite cut it for us to be able to climax.

This leads to an orgasm gap between men and women in heterosexual relationships: men are estimated to have an orgasm 95% of the time, whereas women only climax 65% of the time for every sexual encounter. If this is the case for you, incorporating direct stimulation of the clitoris or having sex that focuses solely on the clitoris, for example oral sex, might be the solution.

3. You’re under the influence

Though a lot of us tend to feel randier when we’ve had a few glasses of our favourite wine, alcohol actually tends to contribute to difficulty achieving orgasm. This is thought to be purely a chemical reaction, making our tissue less sensitive and therefore making it more difficult to have an orgasm – regardless of our sex.

A glass or two might not have a huge impact, but being drunk can definitely be one of the reasons you’re not reaching orgasm.

4. You’re on antidepressants

If you’ve been put on SSRI medication, popular antidepressants used for conditions such as depression and anxiety, you might be experiencing difficulties climaxing. In fact, this often coincides with feelings or reduced or even no sex drive. This is a common side effect that can pass after about 3 months of usage.

It can however also be more or less permanent as long as one is still on the medication.  We still don’t know a lot about the long-term effects on our sexuality, but some research indicates that SSRI might have some permanent effects on libido and orgasm function.

5. You’re focusing on relaxing, instead of tensing

When it comes to having an orgasm a lot of us have been taught that it’s important to relax. That our inability to come likely is due to us not being able to “let go”. This might indeed be the case, but there isn’t actually a lot of research on this being a determining factor.

In fact, completely relaxing all of our muscles while having sex can actually make it more difficult for us to have an orgasm.

For women and people with vulvas/vaginas, tensing the pelvic floor muscles, working with our abdominal muscles and our thighs, can make it easier for us to come.

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

6. You’ve been subjected to sexual assault

Survivors of sexual trauma can suffer from several sexual problems – one of the most common ones is difficulty achieving orgasm. This can be due to difficulties with being present in the moment during sex or masturbation.

When you’ve been through sexual trauma it’s not uncommon for your brain to be on constant alert during sex for potential signs of dangers. This can lead to us being disconnected from our bodies and our sexual desire.

Negative thoughts about sex, shame about enjoying sex or negative emotions during sex like anxiety and worry, can also cause difficulties climaxing. For those who experienced an involuntary orgasm during the assault, this can also make it extra difficult to have an orgasm, even if you’re having sex you enjoy.

7. You’re not in touch with your negative emotions

This might sound bizarre – but negative feelings are actually important for your sex life. You see, our sexuality is an integral part of our beings. This means that the way we deal with things on a day-to-day basis, also affects our sexuality, whether we want it to or not. 

When it comes to negative emotions, a lot of us tend to try and shut off or push away these feelings. And who can blame us – of course we would prefer to be happy all the time.

The problem with this is that when we shut down one emotion, we risk turning off a whole array of emotions, like happiness and being content. When this happens we’re disconnected from our body – and in order to achieve orgasm we need to be connected with our bodies.  

8. You have hypothyroidism

Hypothyroidism is a condition in which our thyroid either produces too little or too much of a certain hormone. Besides side effects such as weight gain or sluggishness, it can also affect our sexuality. One of the sexual side effects is difficulty achieving orgasm.

This might be due to hormone levels, but it could also have to do with low libido and/or difficulty lubricating and getting an erection. If we don’t feel sexual desire or sexual arousal, it becomes increasingly difficult for us to come during sex.

9. You have diabetes

Similarly to hypothyroidism, diabetes can also affect all manner of aspects of our sexuality. It’s not uncommon for us to find it challenging to get sexually aroused (for all sexes). When we’re not sufficiently aroused it also impacts our orgasm abilities negatively.

10. You’re having sex that’s a far cry from your sexual fantasies

In men and people with penises, delayed ejaculation or difficulty achieving orgasm can be the result of the discrepancy between our sex lives with our partner/s and our sex lives in our fantasies.

If the sex you’re having is completely different from that which you desire when you masturbate, it might be the root cause of your orgasmic difficulties.  

The first step towards changing any situation in life is trying to understand why something is difficult. Now that you know of the 10 surprising reasons you can have difficulty achieving orgasm, I hope you feel less confused.

If you would like to take the next step towards having orgasms again or experiencing orgasm for the first time, seeking a sex therapist will help you get on the right track!