How To Handle Sexually Demanding Husband, Wife or Partner 

12 minute read

Feeling like your partner wants sex all the time can lead to all kinds of stress and relationship insecurity. In fact, sexually demanding husbands, wives, and partners, can sometimes have their other half wondering why they even stay in the relationship at all.

The truth is – there are reasons your partner is sexually demanding. And it may not be what you think.

It’s a matter of details and nuance – and the spectrum of sexually demanding to sexual rejection is often more complicated than we think. 

In all my years as a sex coach and therapist, this is what I’ve learned about sexually demanding partners, the people who love them – and how to handle it all.

First things first…

Why do some people ask for sex all the time?

Underneath the constant asking for sex – there are usually two core things going on.

Number one; you may simply be in a relationship where you have different appetites for sex. 

Just as with food – we all have different preferences when it comes to sex. Maybe one of you is ravenous in the morning while the other doesn’t really feel like eating until well after lunch. This is purely a timing mismatch –  and it can come across in a confusing way. Perhaps making you feel you’re completely sexually incompatible (when that might not actually be the case).

You may also want different amounts of sex in your life. Just like with food – one of you might love a good hearty meal every time you sit down for dinner, while the other prefers to eat something small.

The important thing to know? There is nothing inherently wrong (or right) with either appetite.

This means your partner’s wanting for sex isn’t inherently sexually demanding. However, it becomes demanding when other things are thrown into the mix.

For instance, if the ways they ask for sex feel pressuring or you’re showered with guilt when you say no – it’s no longer simply about sexual appetite. 

This can have the partner who wants less sex feel like your partner is asking for sex all of the (damn) time. However, they don’t always want sex – they just keep hoping you’ll say yes at least some of those times. 

Number two; sometimes your partner asks for sex because it’s their primary way of feeling loved and close to you. 

When their sexual affection needs aren’t being met – they may feel they need to increase the number of times they initiate sex – in order to get that loving validation from you.

In this instance – we’re talking about a communication and a love language difference.

When you can see it that way, you start to dismantle the barriers between you and your partner. The ones that have you drawing all sorts of (possibly) unfair conclusions about your partner’s sexual needs.

Is sex different for men and women?

This is the million-dollar question and it’s one that is wrought with lots of ideas and myths about gender and sexuality.

To start – people who identify neither as male nor female, but elsewhere on the gender spectrum are left out of this discussion. As if their experiences aren’t important or don’t add to the conversation (which, of course, is entirely wrong).

Nevertheless – this is one of the most common questions I get asked about – which is why it’s important to answer.

In my experience with my years in this field, men and women are both on both ends of the sexual spectrum; some love sex and others don’t. And this is backed by research too – showing that, while desire might generally be slightly stronger for men – there are bigger desire differences within the gendered groups than between the genders.

However, even if desire levels might not be too different depending on your sex – we can experience sex in different ways in part due to the stereotypes about men and women, ingrained in us since we were children. And many of these ideals are not truths.

Sex is experienced differently depending on who you are as a person.

Gender may factor into this for sure, for instance, low desire may hit differently depending on whether you identify as a man or a woman. For men, it can be that much more shameful due to stereotypes of men always wanting sex.

However, gender is not the determining factor when it comes to how you experience sex.

You have your own set of requirements for how you get turned on, what you need in order to feel sexual desire – and what’s required for you to feel safe and secure enough to want to have sex. This is what truly matters.

Most of us were raised in cultures with very specific roles assigned to our gender.

For instance, men and people with penises are often expected to always be horny; always raring to go, and perhaps not so emotional when it comes to sex (or life in general).

Women and people with vulvas, in contrast, are generally seen as highly emotional beings, who aren’t as sexual or as in touch with their desire for sex compared to men.

The problem with these ideas are many – they box us in – making it hard to be authentic in our lives. They can have us feeling like we’re not “enough” or we’re “too much” in certain regards. 

Gender stereotypes can also lead us to believe harmful things about ourselves that limit things like desire for sex or the things we get off to. In turn, this makes sex less pleasurable and turns it into more of a performance. 

The way we see gender sometimes limits our ability to understand what actually supports increasing desire and closeness. 

Because for some – it’s more about the emotional intimacy component. For others – it’s more about the fact that sex feeds emotional intimacy. This is what makes you feel truly close to your partner.

If these things differ – you will likely experience sex differently to some degree. And just because our gender roles would have us believe women need one thing and men need another – does not mean it’s true. 

In my 1:1 online program ReDesire I therefore help people of all genders regain their desire for sex. Because sex is experienced differently depending on who you are as a person – your personality, your emotional baggage, and your desire template.

It’s so much more than simply your gender or your sex.

My free resource The Guide for Intimacy gives you access to tools that help you increase the shared intimacy in your relationship – with or without sex.

Download the 13-page guide and you also get access to my deeply appreciated, weekly newsletter. You can unsubscribe at any time.

What happens in a relationship when one person wants sex and the other doesn’t

Different levels of desire tend to wreak havoc on both partners in the relationship. For the partner with low desire – it might feel like your partner is sexually demanding and all they ever want is sex. 

For the person with more desire – it might feel like your partner has fallen out of love with you, or you’ve somehow become unattractive to them.

And this, understandably, creates a lot of emotional turmoil, pain and frustration on both ends.

While it’s natural to jump to conclusions in situations like these – going down this route usually doesn’t solve anything. And worse – it may lead to an otherwise great relationship ending based on unexamined grounds.

Ones that could be changed had you given them a chance. 

What happens when this becomes a pattern

What I see in my practice is; that when left unaddressed, one person who wants sex and one who doesn’t – easily turns from situational into a cemented pattern. And often, an unhealthy one at that. This is known as the pursuer-distancer pattern. 

When you’re locked in this dynamic – you both struggle to deal with your mismatched libidos and the toll they’re taking on your relationship.

The longer this pattern lingers – the harder it is to overcome it.

You fall deeper and deeper into your ingrained patterns – your partner pursues, you withdraw – and it goes on and on, creating a chasm between you. 

This also not only decreases the opportunity to have sex – but also the opportunity to feel close. Resentment builds and you suddenly find yourselves feeling less like lovers and more like acquaintances. 

Instead of following each other’s lead by leaning into kisses or following each other to bed –  you start to anticipate the negative reaction and avoid or confront the other (depending on your personality). 

All of this is part of the pursuer-distancer pattern and when you’re caught up in it – recognizing it is one of the first steps towards reducing its impact on your relationship. So you can move away from feeling like you have a sexually demanding husband, wife, or partner – and start to enjoy one another again.

Feeling sexually rejected hurts regardless of gender

Because rejection is a universal emotion. And one that aches. 

When you feel it – the sting can impact you in different ways. And some of these may be connected to your gender.

When a husband rejects his wife sexually it can make a wife feel like there’s something wrong with her husband. Oftentimes these fears stem from sexual stereotypes about men, such as them being the “natural” sexual aggressors. Or wanting to have sex all of the time.  

This means – if he’s rejecting you, perhaps his hormones are unbalanced or, worse yet, you’re not as attractive as you once were? 

Furthermore, when your partner can’t get and sustain an erection the way they used to, this is commonly misinterpreted as something physiologically wrong.

The truth is though, there may be many reasons (not all of which are biological) for the cause.

When a wife rejects her husband, he may worry that the marriage is over or the relationship is doomed – because why else would she not want sex? Perhaps he’s not “manly enough”? Or she’s started having an affair – because why else would she not want to have sex with you?

In same-sex relationships – rejection centres around the same themes. The worry that you’ve become unattractive, your partner has fallen out of love with you, or that there’s something biologically wrong with you or your partner – are universal worries.

When a wife rejects a wife sexually, it can sometimes cause added worries about being headed towards “lesbian bed death“. This is a kind of mythical phenomenon that in many ways is based on our misconceptions about women not being inherently sexual.

So – whether you see yourself in the examples above or not, the truth is, even in the face of gendered assumptions – anyone in any romantic relationship faced with sexual rejection feels hurt – regardless of their gender or sexual orientation. 

Feeling sexually rejected has to do with your emotions

When your partner goes from wanting sex with you to not wanting sex with you – there are likely a lot of different things in the mix. It doesn’t have to mean your marriage or your relationship is over. And it doesn’t have to signal you’ve become unattractive. The source might be something completely different.

• Perhaps a lot of recent conflict has created a wedge between the two of you. 
  
  
• Maybe your partner has been feeling really unsexy for a while and doesn’t want to get naked with you because they feel self-conscious.
  
  
• Perhaps your partner is reacting negatively to your regularly expressed sexual affection. Because you jump to the physical right away and forget to ask them how their day has been, or how they’re feeling about the things going on in their life.
  
  
• Perhaps your partner is experiencing mental health struggles that are impacting their libido. Things like anxiety or depression, or a general sense of overwhelm or burnout. This can take a toll on their once firey desire for you.
  
  
• Perhaps your partner feels a lot of pressure and stress surrounding sex because it seems it’s the only important thing to you. Because as soon as you two are close – you try to initiate sex.

There are lots of reasons why a partner might reject you sexually. And it’s important to understand that while it may have a lot to do with them or your relationship as a whole – it likely has to do with both. Especially if there’s a pursuer-distancer dynamic that’s become part and parcel of your bond. 

Rejection may follow a different pattern…

Despite the pain rejection causes – sometimes, rejection only seems to increase sexually demanding behaviours. 

For some people, they ask again and again. No matter how many times you try to show (or tell) them, you’re not interested.

They do this in order to get the validation they so desperately need. The kind that shows them best your relationship isn’t in danger and that you do, in fact, love them.

On the other side of the coin, for some. the experience of being sexually rejected is so painful that they’re committed to never, ever experiencing it again. The only way to ensure this, is to never try to initiate again after rejection. 

How to talk to your spouse or your partner about the pattern in your relationship

As you’ve gathered from getting this far – it’s hard to get out of the dynamic of a sexually demanding husband, wife, or partner – without talking about it. This is why it’s important to have a conversation with your partner. 

Follow a few key rules in order to ensure the conversation flows as smoothly as possible:

1. When you bring up that your partner is sexually demanding and you’re experiencing pressure or stress – make sure to avoid doing this from a place of critique. If not, your partner will become naturally defensive – making it harder for them to listen.
   
   And when we’re in defensive mode – all we can think of is how to defend ourselves and our behaviours. Perhaps even by putting the blame on our partner(!). Even if it’s not the right thing to do in the moment.
   
   
2. Start off by sharing how you feel about what’s going on, using “I” statements – not “You” statements.
   
   This sounds like: “I feel sad when…” or “I’ve noticed I get angry when…” This – again – reduces defensiveness and emphasizes how you both feel as opposed to how your partner is getting everything wrong.
   
   
3. Once you’ve put your experience and feelings into words, it’s important to assume part of the responsibility. Not because you’re solely responsible for your partner and them asking for sex – but because it takes two to tango here.
   
   Your partner’s behaviours aren’t simply innate, they’re a reaction to your actions – and vice versa.
   
   When you assume part of the responsibility – their defensiveness further decreases – leaving the opportunity for a really good, productive conversation. One that leads to more love and less conflict.
   
   An important caveat to mention here is that if you’re in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, you never bear any responsibility for your partner’s abusive behaviours. The above is only true if you’re in an otherwise healthy relationship. 
   
   
4. See if you both can try to summarize what the other has said. This looks like saying:
   
   “So you’re saying when I come in to kiss you in bed and you’re watching something on your phone, you feel pressure and guilt because it feels like I haven’t heard you in the past when you’ve said this isn’t a good way to initiate”
   
   Or:
   
   “You feel unloved and sad when I pull away from your kisses which is why you keep going in for them hoping I will kiss you back one day and make you feel loved again”.
   
   When you summarize what your partner has shared with you it does two things: 

• One, your partner feels validated when you share with them what they’ve just said – as they understand you’ve truly heard them. 
  
• Two, it gives you both the opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings (which more than likely will occur at some point in a conversation like this as you’re both feeling hurt and insecure). 
  

5. Finally, discuss what you want to about the situation. It’s okay if you don’t have the answers or if none of you do. But the only way you’ll take a step in the right direction is by brainstorming together. 

Practising communicating with your partner in this way empowers both of you to be responsible for your role in the pursuer-distancer dynamic. And ultimately it is the way out of this kind of incessant pattern.

The reality of long-term relationships

The truth of the matter is – in most relationships, it’s not a question of if – it’s a question of when. When you will want sex less than your partner – and vice versa.

However, when your mismatched libidos become more than a temporary mismatch and you move into the territory of a sexually demanding husband, wife, or partner – and a partner who is completely turned off – it’s important to course correct as soon as you can. 

The sooner – the closer you are to a truly close and passionate relationship. One that creates security and validation, as opposed to fear and pain. One that you can come home to at the end of the day and sink into comfortably. The way it used to be.