How to Support A Partner Struggling with Erectile Dysfunction

5 min read

Erectile Dysfunction (ED) affects up to 24% of men in the U.S. alone. Suffice it to say – it’s common. And frustrating, both for the person dealing with it and their sex partner.

If your partner is dealing with ED, it can feel confusing and make you worry you’re not enough. But here’s the thing: it’s likely not about you or your partner’s attraction to you. It doesn’t even have to mean anything negative about your relationship. It might simply be about performance anxiety or stress on their part.

Here’s how to approach it – from a sex therapist specialized in desire difficulties.

Let Them Know It’s Okay

A lot of men and people with penises already feel immense performance anxiety when it comes to sex. This is why the way you approach the matter is crucial.

Sure – you probably feel frustrated and worried, but expressing that frustration in a way that feels like blame (even unintentionally) will only make things worse.

Just like you can’t control everything your body does (or doesn’t do), neither can they (even if we’ve been sold the sex myth that penises are always hard and raring to go, and if they’re not, it’s our fault).

Instead, reassure your partner that it’s okay and that ED doesn’t define them—or your relationship.

Let them know you still want to connect with them, whether that be through cuddling, kissing, or any other form of intimacy that feels good. The less they feel like they’re letting you down, the better they will feel about themselves over time.

And so will you. Because their erection isn’t something for you to “perform” either.

Try this: If things don’t go as planned, instead of withdrawing or complaining, offer a simple, pressure-free way to connect. This could be snuggling up together or giving them a lingering kiss.

Small gestures go a long way in reducing anxiety and maintaining intimacy.

Shift The Focus Away From Erections

We’ve all been taught that sex = penetration, and everything else is “foreplay”. The truth though, is that sex can be so much more if you allow it.

There are many ways to experience pleasure together that don’t require an erection—oral sex, mutual touch, or simply exploring what feels good in the moment.

The goal is connection, not performance, and this goes for both of you.

Try this: Instead of making the moment about “fixing” the problem, focus on pleasure—for both of you. Ask yourself: What feels good? What turns you on? How can you create a fun, pressure-free experience together?

For some this might entail exploring other erogenous zones, or incorporating mental stimulation through dirty talk or playing with power dynamics. When penetration is off the table, it can sometimes lead us to unexpected pleasure and turn-ons, so embrace it and see where it takes you.

Ask What They Need—Without Pressure

Erectile Dysfunction can be incredibly stressful. And we all know that sex and stress don’t go hand in hand.

Instead of assuming what your partner needs, ask them—gently—what would help them feel more comfortable. Maybe it’s slowing things down, changing things up, or simply knowing you’re not expecting anything specific to happen.

Try this: Use “we” language instead of “you” language. For instance, instead of saying “You just need to relax,” try “Let’s focus on what feels good together.”

The more this can be turned into a mutual experience and you can come from a place of willingness to understand, the less performance anxiety they will feel.

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Help Them Figure Out What’s Going On (Without Playing Doctor)

Erectile Dysfunction can have many causes—stress, anxiety, medical conditions, or side effects from medication. While you can’t diagnose the issue (and even if you could, they likely won’t like it!), you can be a supportive partner in helping them explore possible causes and solutions.

I always recommend clients to see a doctor first, just to rule out if there are any physiological underpinnings. Once you know what’s what, you’ll also know the fastest route to erectile predictability.

If stress or anxiety is at play, sex therapy can be a game-changer in breaking the cycle of performance pressure.

Try this: Let your partner know you’re in this together. Instead of saying, “You should see a doctor,” try, “I’d love for us to figure this out together—do you want to look into some options?”. Letting them know you’re open to getting help together can help them feel less alone.

Sometimes though, your partner isn’t going to be ready to get help. While this too can be frustrating, it’s important to respect their decision and let them sink into the idea, before bringing it up again.

Make Relaxation A Shared Experience

The more pressure there is to “perform,” the harder it becomes to stay present and enjoy sex. This is why I often help my clients develop a mindfulness practice (and no, this doesn’t mean meditating together in the bedroom to bring about an erection!).

A mindfulness practice is simply about being able to redirect your attention in the moment. The more you practice outside of the bedroom – the easier this will be to do this during sex. And when you don’t disappear into your head during sex, you’re more likely to get and maintain an erection.

Try this: Before getting intimate, try doing something calming together— share a warm bath, or a sensual massage. Shifting into a relaxed state together can make a big difference and help your partner more naturally stay present in the moment.

You can even suggest trying out a mindfulness practice and downloading an app together.

Erectile Dysfunction Doesn’t Have to Be Permanent

At the end of the day, Erectile Dysfunction isn’t something you have to accept – but the way you approach your partner’s difficulties can have a big impact on how long it stays a problem.

While it may feel worrying and disheartening right now – there’s lots you can do to ease their performance anxiety. The more you can approach it as a team, the less stress and pressure there will be, and the easier it’ll be to navigate together.

In my online program Re:Desire I help you shift out of performance mode – and into pleasure and desire. Sex without stress is the goal, and if you want my help, I’m here.