8 minute read
Pain during sex isn’t just physically painful – it can be emotionally painful, too.
Oftentimes you find yourself confused, upset and angry that something that seemingly works for everyone else – pleasurable sex – doesn’t for you or your partner.
The good news is there’s lots that can be done to remove the pain – and it all starts with understanding what could potentially be causing the pain.
Painful sex is often thought of as something only women or people with vulvas experience – but it can actually occur for everyone, regardless of your sex.
For women or people with vulvas, pain can be experienced both at the entrance of the vagina, as well as deeper within the vagina, and this can make vaginal sex difficult.
If your pain is related to the entrance of your vagina, this can also make everyday things like wearing tight jeans or riding a bike impossible, because you’re constantly in pain.
This pain is usually referred to as vulvodynia and though there are currently no global studies on how many people experience this, it’s estimated to affect up to 8-10% of women worldwide.
Painful sex can also be connected to other medical issues like endometriosis (which often causes more deep sensations of pain) and, phases of life like menopause or manopause (male menopause). Even chronic skin conditions or things like thrush can make sex hurt.
Pain during sex can also occur when you don’t give your body enough time to become aroused, before moving on to certain sexual activities like vaginal penetrative sex.
For those with vulvas – if not given enough time to build sexual arousal – sex can hurt because you’re not lubricated and therefore this causes painful friction (instead of pleasurable friction!).
Other times, it’s not just painful friction making sex unpleasant – but rushing into penetrative sex before your vagina has had time to deepen with arousal. This can cause deep pain if the object penetrating you hits the cervix before you’re aroused.
Men and people with penises can also report pain during penetration and this can be related to things such as tight foreskin and the tugging or pulling of the foreskin that happens during sex and masturbation. This type of pain is mostly experienced by those who have an uncircumcised penis.
But pain during sex can also occur due to things like an inflamed prostate or even tense pelvic floor muscles. But more on your pelvic floor in just a bit!.
In all cases of painful sex, it’s important to talk about what’s going on with your partner.
It can feel embarrassing or shameful to even admit you’ve been experiencing pain during sex. In fact, a lot of people who experience pain keep it to themselves for this very reason.
But in order for you to really give your body a chance to experience pleasure – you need to have open conversations about sex – so you can troubleshoot ways forward.
The reality is – if your body experiences pain during sex, your brain is naturally going to deter you from wanting sex. The body-mind connection is powerful and works to keep you safe. So when sex is painful – it’s natural to want less of it.
It’s your body’s way of trying to protect you – no matter how much you may want to want sex.
Over time, if you continue to push through and have painful sex (perhaps due to not being physically aroused) — this causes a negative feedback loop in your mind and body. Inevitably leading to chronic conditions. One example of one of this is vulvodynia; where the nerve endings at the entrance of the vagina become hypersensitive and any touch registers as pain.
Fear itself will act as a natural deterrent to sex. When your body has learned that sex is painful, it inevitably ends up squashing your libido and can lead to what is known as sexual desire disorder.
Even when there are other things that are pleasurable, your body is still on high alert trying to protect you from something they know isn’t good for you.
This is why, even if you’re not aiming to have vaginal penetrative sex, your mind is still fearing the pain. And because of this, wants to make sure you’re in no way near it.
It’s smart – and it makes sense – but it can be confusing and create a pattern of hopelessness. One where you fear you’ll never want sex again and that will cause your relationship to end.
Our bodies are wise. So wise in fact, that when it comes to painful sex, your body may try to protect you against the pain by making it physically impossible to enter the vagina. This occurs when your pelvic floor muscles tense up automatically.
Your pelvic floor muscles are like a hammock that stretches from your pubic bone to your tailbone. They’re involved in a whole lot of different activities often related to our core. But they’re also involved in things like orgasms and erectile function.
When your pelvic floor muscles tense up, it can also make non-sexual things like using a tampon or a diva cup during menstruation, virtually impossible.
Pelvic floor muscles that contract involuntarily, also affect those with penises, causing sex and urination, to be painful.
First things first – it’s really important to first seek out a doctor in order to shed light on any medical causes behind your pain.
For those with vulvas, you’ll want to look for a medical professional who can perform a gynaecological exam. For those with penises, you’ll want to see a urologist.
Once you know what’s happening, your doctor should offer you some sort of treatment plan for the pain you’re experiencing with sex, and this can often involve the help of several specialists.
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
When penetrative sex doesn’t work, a lot of people struggle to want any kind of sex at all. It can seem like you’re doomed to a bad sex life.
Part of how pain during sex is treated is often to take penetrative sex off the table completely for the time-being.
This helps in several ways:
In order for this to happen, you’ll want to consider other ways of connecting – at least for the time being.
During my years in the sexology field, I know this is not what most people want to hear. Especially if you’re in a heterosexual relationship where vaginal penetrative sex is seen as the “real” kind of sex. Leaving all other kinds of sex to essentially be seen as foreplay – leading up to the “real event”.
But the “real event” can truly be anything. And the point of sex is to enjoy it. To have fun and to bond with your partner – and you can’t do that if you’re simultaneously afraid of sex.
And if you’re someone who worries about your desire (or lack thereof) for sex, engaging in painful sex to simply appease your partner will only hurt your waning libido more over time.
Therefore, it’s key to remove anything that causes you stress. And for the time being, vaginal penetrative sex is it.
Once you have a treatment plan in place, you will likely be able to incorporate vaginal sex in the future. Should that be something you still want.
The truth is – if sex is painful for you, it’s possible you’ve lived with this for a long time. Therefore, the challenge it’s created for you and your sex drive are interlinked.
And it’s not always easy to unravel it using the same tools you have in the past.
It can be hard to be honest with your partner, especially if you’re worried about letting them down. Or if you’re struggling with deep feelings of shame or a belief that this is beyond repair and you’re stuck this way.
You’re not.
Painful sex is more common than you might imagine. And even if we haven’t yet ironed out all of the causes – there are lots of treatment options. And with time – there will hopefully be many more.
Now that you have a sense of what might be going on – it’s important that you let your partner know.
And that you stop having sex for the sake of just pleasing your partner.
Because in truth – sex to please your partner is a short-term solution to a long-term problem. And it only becomes more long-term if you continue this pattern.
Finally, remember you’re not the only one responsible to make your sex life better and pain-free. Your partner needs to be on board too. This way, they will be able to help you and know what not to do – and what gives you pleasure.
It’s possible to create a sex life that’s pleasurable for you both and one that you really want and feel excited about. And it’s not just possible – it’s what you deserve, too.
Because what’s waiting on the other side? That intimate, toe-curling, bonding sensation that leaves you feeling giddy and falling in love all over again.
You’re not alone! Download the 10-page Desire Test to find out why your desire for sex is gone (and what to do about it).
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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