I’m Worried My Partner’s Masturbating Habit Makes Them Less Interested In Having Sex With Me 

14 minute read

When it comes to masturbating or “solo sex”, it can be frustrating and confusing when your partner masturbates as opposed to having sex with you. It can feel extra confounding when you have an active sex life – and yet they still continue to masturbate. 

But before you go deciding this is a problem for your relationship – there are several important questions to explore. Because the truth is – masturbating in a romantic relationship doesn’t mean anything is wrong with your partner, you, or your relationship.

However, that doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings about it.

And ultimately, that’s what needs to be looked at.  

**Important to note – this article is written from the partner’s perspective where the partner in question is in a relationship with a male. This is because, when I get questions about masturbation habits, 90% of the time it’s about a male partner’s habits being questioned. However, your experience might be of the female partner masturbating more, or a non-binary or trans partner. All scenarios are just as valid and real.

Let’s start off by tackling the big question… 

My Husband Masturbates All The Time… Is This Bad?

Inherently, no. The thing is, it’s easy to think your husband masturbating means that you’re somehow not fulfilling them sexually – or that there’s something wrong with your sex life. 

But masturbation isn’t something we engage in just because we’re displeased with our sex life or partner. Solo sex is something we (or our partner) does – because it feels good. 

Is It Normal?

Yes, as a sex therapist & coach, I can tell you it is unequivocally normal. In fact, human beings start to engage in self-pleasure young, with the median age being 19.5 months according to the National Institute of Health in the United States.

So – if it’s normal, is it ok to masturbate every day?

Yes. Because there is no “normal” or healthy amount of masturbation. 

The only two things that define if masturbating is a problem are: how you personally feel about it and if it has become compulsive for either you or your partner.

What is compulsive masturbating?

Compulsive masturbating is characterized by an inability to stop. This ‘stopping’ can encapsulate several areas:

• You can’t stop thinking about it all day,
• You have a really hard time not masturbating even in situations where it’s not ok to, like at work or school,
• Masturbation gets in the way of daily chores or things you need to do,
• You masturbate even if you don’t really want to

If masturbation isn’t compulsive and doesn’t fall into any of the areas above – it’s likely not unhealthy and doesn’t have to be a cause for concern. And this is true even if your partner engages in solo sex more often than you do. It doesn’t have to mean you’re at risk for having a lacklustre relationship and sex life.

What if his pornography habit is interfering with our sex life? 

When it comes to using pornography as a means of getting turned on (with yourself or with your partner), porn is a touchy subject. 

Why? Because some people feel it’s okay to watch it while others have a strong, negative reaction to it.

For some, it’s about their dislike of the pornography industry; how it’s unethical and unregulated causing harm to vulnerable people who find themselves in the industry out of a lack of choice. 

For others, it’s about the objectification of bodies, especially of the female form. How this creates unrealistic expectations surrounding body image and how sex actually works. And that the objectification is degrading and furthers harmful attitudes towards those who identify as women.

Regardless of how you feel about pornography (and whether you consume it or not) – we can all agree that in its most mainstream, edited, “perfect” form – it sets us up for a lot of unrealistic expectations. 

Whether it’s about the sexual acts being performed or the bodies – it can make anyone feel less than. And this in turn can cause stress and angst in your sex life. Especially if you feel your partner is choosing porn over you. 

When porn feels like infidelity

Additionally, some people feel like pornography usage is a form of infidelity. And that it may be hard to draw the line between what is ok – watching a clip every so often or engaging in chat rooms, can be seen as very different acts (even if both involve pornography). 

Everyone is different and if you’ve never talked about this before – it’s probably a good idea to talk about it now This is the only way to define what is ok within the parameters of your relationship. 

However, it’s important to note that deciding your partner can (or cannot) use pornography (or masturbate at all) – is a slippery slope. 

Attempting to control another person’s sexuality is entering dangerous territory because controlling one another isn’t a healthy relationship behaviour. Compare this to any other form of controlling behaviours, such as deciding when your partner can or cannot leave the house or who they can see after work, and it becomes clear this isn’t desirable. Even if their masturbation habits are worrying to you.

Because at the end of the day – they are their own person (and so are you!). This means essentially they can use their sexuality as they wish.  

Just because your partner shares their sexuality with you and you share it with them during partnered sex – doesn’t mean either of you own the other person’s sexuality. Just as no one should force you to have sex, forcing someone to stop engaging in solo sex isn’t a great idea either.

Permitted, of course, their porn use isn’t veering into non-consensual territory or their sexuality is being used to inflict harm upon others – they should be granted sexual autonomy within the general monogamy rules you may have set in your relationship.

When it’s about morals and values

That said – discrepancies around porn use can sometimes come down to a question of morals and values – and if you share the same ones.

If, for instance, not contributing to an industry as unethical as the porn industry is important to you personally, then you need to have a conversation about it. 

Could your partner perhaps look at ethical porn instead? Are there certain producers you would feel more comfortable with?

If that too causes you concern, it’s again a reason for a deeper conversation.

Is This Why He/She/They Don’t Want To Have Sex With Me?

When your partner masturbates, it would be easy to assume they do so as they don’t want to have sex with you as much. However, research shows that for men who experience sexual satisfaction in their relationship – there’s no link between how often they masturbate and how often they have partnered sex. 

In other words – the act of solo sex itself doesn’t necessarily take away from the sex you could be having together. 

Whereas for women, research has shown that the more partnered sex you have – the more likely you are to masturbate. 

So for men, there appears to be no link between the frequency of masturbation and the frequency of partnered sex – and for women, sex with a partner actually increases solo sex frequency. 

But perhaps gender isn’t the most important thing here – rather, what’s more important is looking at how sexually satisfied someone is and how much desire they have. 

If you are the partner with lower levels of desire, regardless of your gender, you’re likely to use masturbation as a complement to your sex life as opposed to something you do more of when you have more sex. 

However, if you’re not satisfied and you don’t enjoy sex with your partner – you may find yourself masturbating more often (at least if you identify as a man).

How to think about it

So – while it is true your partner’s masturbation habits might be a reflection of the sex you’re having – it’s not necessarily replacing the sex you could be having. So instead of thinking about what to remove (solo sex) – it’s important to talk about what to add to partnered sex or swítch up – in order to make it more satisfying for you both. 

And remember, even if your partner isn’t satisfied with your sex life, it doesn’t have to mean you’re the reason why, or that you “under-perform” in bed.

It’s easy to be hard on ourselves and assume we’re the ones lacking when our partner turns to more solo sex – but this definitely doesn’t have to be the case!

My free resource The Guide for Intimacy gives you access to tools that help you increase the shared intimacy in your relationship – with or without sex.

Download the 13-page guide and you also get access to my deeply appreciated, weekly newsletter. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Why Would He Rather Masturbate Than Have Sex With Me?

When you’re stuck in a situation where you’re worried your partner’s masturbation habits are taking away from the sex you could be having together – it’s important to consider a few different things. 

One, your partner might be feeling a whole lot of performance pressure. 

Compared to partnered sex, performance pressure simply doesn’t exist in the same way during masturbation. 

There’s no real concern about fulfilling a partner sexually while engaging in solo sex. Nor are there usually the same levels of worry or concern about losing your erection or climaxing faster than you’d like, when you’re on your own. 

Masturbating is less pressure all-round – whether they find it hard to get out of their head during sex and get stuck in thoughts of pleasing you, their own performance, or struggling with orgasms. 

Two, is your sex life satisfying?

Sometimes people turn to masturbating because the sex they have alone is more satisfying than with their partner. Having a conversation about your sexual needs, likes and dislikes is an important part of creating a sexually satisfying relationship for you both. 

Maybe there’s a particular fantasy or kink they worry about sharing with you. Or perhaps they want to try out some new things and they’re not sure how to broach the subject (because talking about sex can be so hard). 

Three, is your partner using masturbation to relax?

While masturbation definitely can be a highly sexual activity – it doesn’t only fulfil a sexual purpose. 

For a lot of people, masturbation is a great way to reduce stress, get a better night’s sleep and feel better all-round. 

So while it may feel as if your partner is choosing one sexual activity over another (sex with you) – maybe it’s something else entirely.

Four, is your partner masturbating to avoid negative feelings or emotions?

For a lot of people, the struggle to deal with our feelings is very real. It’s not uncommon to look for alternative ways to deal with uncomfortable sensations by moving into more pleasurable ones (which solo sex and orgasms naturally fulfil).

So, if your partner has a lot of anxiety, they might veer towards masturbation as a way to deal with that anxiety. 

In all of these cases, your partner isn’t having sex to avoid you or because they’re so horny they can’t keep their hands off themselves all day. 

On the contrary – they are using masturbation as a means to relieve something inside that they don’t feel they have another way of dealing with.

And in some cases, masturbation becomes compulsive

When a person has crossed into a compulsive relationship with solo sex, meaning they feel like they can’t stop themselves from masturbating, their behaviour has little, if anything, to do with their partner. 

In this case, it has much more to do with them and their mental health. 

Here is where seeking the help of a sex therapist is a good step forward in order to help them create flexibility surrounding masturbation and how to let it not take over their lives – and yours. 

Share Your Feelings With Them

When you’re anxious about your husband masturbating and its’ impacts on your joint sex life – it can feel daunting to bring it up with them. Because what if you’re right? 

What if they confirm your fears – what will that mean and what will happen? So to avoid the conversation is to avoid the feared outcome. 

Or you’re worried it will be so embarrassing you’d rather just pretend nothing is going on. The pang of shame feels too much. Perhaps deep down you’re worried your partner will say they’re no longer attracted to you. 

But here’s the thing about fear; If you never talk about it, it will grow. And the situation will likely stay as is – no change, no difference, perhaps even a little bit worse.

Because when your partner can’t redirect your fears by sharing what’s actually going on, you’re stuck in your own mind. 

And when we’re left alone to our own minds – we often find ourselves catastrophizing about worst-case scenarios to no end. Over time this creates a divide between the two of you and might even cause your own sex drive to plummet. 

‘Cause why would you want to have sex with your partner if you’re not going to live up to the stuff they watch in secret on their phones?

The divide makes it harder to be close emotionally – let alone seek out sex with them. Feeling hurt and confused about what’s going on is hard enough, but without your partner by your side to reassure or help you understand what’s really going on – your feelings of isolation, worry and dread – can deepen. 

This is the reason to have the conversation. 

The antidote to fear

As hard as it feels, talking about your sex life is the antidote to the fear (even if it might feel counterintuitive right now). 

And if you have no idea what to even ask them – here are a few questions for you:

• How does your partner feel about their masturbation habits?
  
• What does masturbation fulfil for them? 

• Are they happy with your mutual sex life? 

• And if not, what would they like to change?

While asking them questions, don’t forget that your experiences are just as important and valid, too. Because even though you can’t control your partner’s masturbation habits (nor should you try to) – you can still share your feelings and fears and feel validated and loved by your partner.

• Share you’re worried that they’ve stopped wanting to have sex with you and that it makes you worried, even sad.  

• Then, share what you need in order to feel better and to feel more attractive again. 

If you don’t have that conversation, you’re never going to know what’s really going on or what can be done about it.

And the next time you do actually have sex – you’ll likely get stuck in your head worrying about it all anyway – turning it into a truly lack-lustre experience. And when sex is lack-lustre, what’s even the point of having it anyway, right?

Asking For More Intimacy

Knowing masturbation doesn’t have to take away from the frequency of sex you’re having together, and that there are other less sexualized reasons why people masturbate – it’s important to consider how you want to ask for more intimacy, and for what you need.

Asking for more intimacy can look a lot like having a conversation about how you want to initiate sex. 

Perhaps your partner has rejected you in the past? It’s easy to ask less directly when you’re worried about being shot down again. And it’s easy to also believe that your partner rejected you knowingly. 

But sometimes we’re not as upfront and obvious as we think we are when we initiate sex, and so we believe we’re getting shut down before our partner has even had a chance to understand what’s going on. 

Talk to your partner about how you usually initiate sex and if they’re missing the signs, explore different ways of doing it so your requests are clear next time.  

Talk about what you want from your sexual experience together. 

• Do you want more sex? If so, what kinds of sex do you want more of?

• Do you want more kissing, making out, or cuddling? 

• Do you want sex that doesn’t have to lead to orgasms?

• Do you want sex where you don’t both have to orgasm every time? 

• What do you want more of and how is that going to help fulfill you? 

Keep in mind that sex is a joint effort, so your partner isn’t there to perform – you’re both there to enjoy one another. 

When you ask for intimacy, make sure not to criticize your partner while doing so (even though it can be tempting!). 

It’s easy to lash out when you’re hurt – but that only increases the performance pressure they’re already feeling surrounding partnered sex. It’s also likely to make them less excited about the opportunity of having more sex with you. 

So refrain from criticizing, and instead, share with them why you want more intimacy, and what it means to you from a positive perspective. This will help them open up and receive what you’re saying differently.

When To Seek Help

If your partner confides in you that, actually, they feel it’s out of control – this is when to get help. 

This doesn’t mean that they will be seeking out help where the object is to never masturbate again. Different providers offer different methodologies and you can seek out a sex therapist or a sex coach, depending on your needs. 

Either way – it’s important to ask what the provider does and what their approach is so it aligns with your mutual values.

Professional help that targets your joint sex life

It’s also important to seek help when you and your partner feel like you’re not sexually satisfied and you struggle to make progress on your own. Or if you can’t seem to stop the incessant fighting about sex and masturbation.

Because the truth of the matter is – you might not even know what needs to be fixed in order for sex to be more pleasurable and frequent again – and that’s ok.

In all my years of working with couples who are struggling sexually, rarely do people know exactly what to do right away. Because when you’re sucked into feelings of despair and worry – it can cloud your vision and make it hard to sometimes even imagine what a great sex life could look like or feel like.

Finally, seeking help when one of you has low desire and the other has lots of desire, is also a good idea. While mismatched libidos in and of themselves don’t have to be a problem persay, or a death sentence to a relationship – the way you may be dealing with these differences – can be. 

Find a professional who can help you navigate how to deal with your different levels of sexual expectations and wants – so that sex becomes truly pressure-free and enjoyable again.

Your partner masturbating may have been what led you to read this article. But knowing more about why people masturbate and the role it can play in your relationship (positive or negative) – should give you a sense of what to do next.

If you’re ready to infuse your sex life with more fun and closeness again – my Couples Connection Bundle is a great starting point. It’s a five mini-course bundle of resources that target the five main areas any relationship needs help with: communication, emotional closeness, spicing up your sex life, increasing desire, & sexual pleasure. 

So you can deepen emotional intimacy and start having more sex again.