Negative emotions and sex – not the greatest combo for your libido. In fact, feelings such as anger, sadness and worry all affect sexual desire much more than most of us understand.
Sexual desire is usually thought of as a basic hormonal urge. It’s often likened by hunger or thirst and society largely views it as something we simply have no control over. Either you have a high libido or a low libido and the only thing responsible for it — is hormones.
But this isn’t actually accurate.
How large our appetite for sex is, isn’t just determined by hormones. It’s also down to a whole host of different processes within us — one of these being our emotional wellbeing.
This means all emotions have their own secret agenda — and when we understand what we’re feeling, it’s easier to act in accordance with our emotions — and feel better
Feelings are, in essence, evolutionarily biological states with three goals: they let us know what we need, they motivate us to act in certain ways, and they communicate our needs to those around us.
Positive emotions are all about connecting with people, experiencing joy and interest, while negative emotions and sex oftentimes are about establishing boundaries or — getting the hell out of a situation.
Below are three common negative emotions and how they can impact your desire negatively, and even lead to what is called sexual desire disorder, over time.
Worry is a common feeling. One thing we tend to worry about regarding sex is not being able to perform sexually. What this worry entails largely depends on who we are and what we believe an “adequate” sexual performance is.
For example, some worry about sexual arousal: not being able to get or sustain an erection or not being able to lubricate enough for vaginal penetration.
For others, it’s about not being able to orgasm, or coming too fast. Th
When we worry, our body and our brain are wired to be on the lookout for potential threats. The threats can be both real — someone pointing a gun to your head (not a great time to get horny!), and perceived — not wanting sex when your partner wants it or worrying about not getting an erection.
The looming threat means our brain is working overtime to scan our body for signs of desire and arousal. It’s running a constant loop of anxious thoughts — asking us if we’re turned on yet, if we’re “doing it right” or telling us we need to get horny soon, otherwise our partner will notice something’s off
When our brain focuses on potential threats instead of enjoying sex, the likelihood of us actually getting in and staying in the mood, is minute.
To ignite our libido, we need to process our worries and move past them. We need to be more in the moment and let go of scanning our environment and ourselves for signs.
In essence, we need to experience the situation wholly and fully.
Worrying about non-sexual things also, unfortunately, has the capacity to affect our libido negatively.
Perhaps thoughts of an important presentation at work start to surface right in the middle of the act.
Or we worry about our children and how they’re doing at school.
Whether these thoughts consume us during sex or at other times during the day — they impede our ability to get our mojo going. Because, as we all know – sex and stress aren’t the best of partners when it comes to enjoying sex and getting in the mood.
Another common feeling that affects our sexual desire negatively is sadness. Just like worry, feeling sad about both sexual and non-sexual things can result in low libido.
For some, our libido being low can, in turn, make us feel even more sad, which exacerbates our already low or no sex drive.
When we feel sad our body tends to feel heavy. Some describe it as an emotion that weighs on their shoulders heavily. They feel zapped of energy and the last thing on their minds is sex.
Because sadness, like all of our other feelings, is just as much a bodily experience as libido is, it impedes our appetite for sex.
Sadness tells us we need to seek comfort in others. Luckily, for some of us, sexual intimacy is a great way of seeking comfort. This means that our libido might actually ramp up in times of grief. For others, sadness wreaks havoc on our sexual desire and all we want (and need) is non-sexual comfort. Comfort that validates us and our perspective, without having to give of ourselves in a sexual scenario.
Sometimes, working on learning to communicate effectively can be a helpful way of creating more validation.
My free resource Manual For Emotions gives you the tools needed to understand the connection between sex and emotions and feel better.
Learn about the connection between sex and emotions and how to deal with difficult emotions in this 6-page long resource, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
Anger is another example of how negative emotions and sex don’t mix well.
Anger or irritation is normally felt quite strongly in our bodies. The bodily sensations draw our attention to something we need to do — for example, create boundaries.
If you’re angry with your spouse or your partner, and need to establish a boundary, you likely won’t feel particularly amorous or sexually excited.
“Once the boundary is expressed and respected — your libido might return. But if you don’t listen to what your anger is telling you to do, the anger can’t disappear, and your sex drive won’t want to play ball. ”
Negative emotions and sex don’t go hand in hand.
For most of us, the feelings need to first be dealt with, in order for our sexual desire to grow.
Next time your libido is low you might want to check in with yourself and see if you’re perhaps feeling worried, sad or irritated. Understanding this and allowing yourself to move through your negative feelings — as opposed to pushing them away — might just be what you need in order to get your libido back!
You’re not alone! Download the 10-page Desire Test to find out why your desire for sex is gone (and what to do about it).
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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