The Allure Of Makeup Sex & The Danger Of Only Having Sex After Fighting

5 minute read

Makeup sex is often touted as the most passionate and best kind of sex there is. And while some couples swear by the positive effect it has on their relationship – it’s not always as positive as it first may seem.

As a sex coach and therapist, I’ve worked with countless couples who fight about sex and can’t seem to marry their different levels of desire. 

In an effort to feel close again, couples can easily fall into a habit of fighting and making up through sex.

This cycle isn’t inherently vicious – it can work really well and infuse your bond with butterflies. But sometimes, it actually does more harm than good. And that’s what this article is here to unpack.

Conflict & Desire

Makeup sex can be powerful on many levels. 

• For some, makeup sex produces their best orgasms. 
• For others, it’s the unwavering emotional connection during makeup sex that’s the best part. 
• And for some, it’s the fact that makeup sex reinforces your commitment to one another.

But if you’re the kind of couple who only ever has sex after a conflict, it’s important to suss out whether this is a pattern you’re inevitably creating. One which requires future conflict to connect with desire.

Because when this cycle is fed over time, feeling desire can become tricky when you and your partner haven’t argued in a while. Or you don’t feel sadness or disappointment. 

This can be especially true for those who have an avoidant attachment pattern. Essentially an attachment pattern is something you develop as a child. It’s a blueprint of sorts, based on your early relationship with your caregivers – that tells you what you can expect from close relationships. And how close relationships should work. 

If you have an anxious-preoccupied attachment pattern, you might find it easier to get turned on when your relationship feels threatened. One thing that creates this feeling is conflict. To learn more about how this attachment pattern can affect sex, read my post on how emotions affect sex drive

The tricky thing with this pattern is that when it’s established, it requires future arguments to feel turned on. Essentially forcing you into behaviours you’re not really interested in out of the possibility that you might feel like sex.

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Makeup Sex You Don’t Enjoy

Beyond the fiery makeup sex – there’s the other kind of makeup sex that is completely non-fiery.

The kind that doesn’t produce emotional closeness or sexual satisfaction. 

The kind you engage in to save your relationship or marriage.

And even though this kind of sex doesn’t feel good – it makes complete sense why you continue to do it. 

Because you’re afraid of what it means when you and your partner stop having sex. You’re scared your partner with a high libido will leave you, if you stop sex altogether. And worst of all – you have no idea what to do instead.

But the thing is – for makeup sex to work – it has to be something you actually want with your partner. 

When a part of you is aware you’re simply “doing it anyway” even though you don’t want sex – you’ve lost the whole point of sex. To no fault of your own – you’ve been doing the best you can!

But when we have sex we don’t enjoy, we lose the sense of sex as something fun. Sex as something bonding. Sex as a way of showing our affection and appreciation of our partner. 

Sex as a bandaid

When you have sex you don’t want to have you risk: 

• Disappearing into your own mind and not being present with what is happening with your body
• Distracting yourself by thinking about anything and everything except what you’re doing in the moment
• Disconnecting from what you don’t want to feel – which leads to further disconnect overall
• Ignoring your feelings altogether

And when you only ever have sex after an argument, you’re teaching your subconscious mind this is how you heal from a fight. 

It’s the way you soothe your relationship or stop your partner from leaving you.

And when this becomes something you do regularly, it turns into a bandaid of sorts – but one that has you equating sex with something negative. Even if that’s the last thing you want to do. 

This starts a vicious pattern of having sex not because you want to – because of fear of something bad happening if you don’t. The next time sex is on your partner’s mind, if you engage it as a bandaid, you’re still avoiding the real issue.

Getting out of the makeup sex cycle

Makeup sex can be temporarily powerful – but over time, it can create problems down the line. 

It can create an unhealthy pattern of fighting in order to be able to have sex. Or it can reinforce a negative relationship with sex. One where you find it increasingly hard to tune into desire, your partner, and the sexual experience as a whole..

Because the thing is – the reasons why we have sex are just as important as the sex itself. Sex that’s about avoiding negative outcomes instead of reaching positive outcomes – diminishes desire over time.

But when we have sex out of a pure desire to be with and connect with our beloved – that kind of sex increases desire.

Overtime, that is part of how couples heal their desire differences and introduce more honesty into their bedroom. The kind that has you squealing with pleasure and looking at your partner with lusty eyes. 

If you’d like more help on how to create a great sex life with your partner – one that doesn’t only come about via conflict, check out The Sex Fresh Start. 

The Sex Fresh Start is a 50-minute in-depth, to-the-point, audio training, covering everything you need to know to want to want sex again.

It uncovers the hidden, less talked about step before getting your sex drive back: creating a desire for change. Get The Sex Fresh Start at a discounted price & lock-in the 60-minute accompanying Q&A session + transcript and workbook.