Why Don’t I Feel Like Having Sex Anymore?

First published 21st February, 2023. Updated 29th April, 2025.

6 minute read

When the idea of having sex makes you stressed or the act itself feels empty and devoid of pleasure—it’s natural to worry something is seriously wrong. Especially if your partner still wants sex—and you feel like you’re supposed to as well. But if you’re asking yourself, “Why do I not want to have sex anymore?” or “Why don’t I have a sex drive?”, know you’re not alone. And that it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.

Why It Makes Sense Not to Want Sex

Sexual desire isn’t just a biological urge that just stops working overnight. 

Yes, biology of course plays a part. But low libido in women, in men, and in people of other gender identities often comes down to a blend of physiological, emotional, relational, and social factors.

So jumping straight to conclusions about hormone levels or biological reasons might cause you to miss the bigger picture. And the details that actually matter for your libido.

Our interest in sex is shaped by a lot of different things:

• How you feel about your body 
• The overall quality of your relationship
• How much ongoing stress you’re dealing with (because stress and sex rarely go hand in hand)
• Feeling societal pressure or strict sexual expectations within your relationship

These factors above all play a role in how open you are to having sex.

If sex feels more like an obligation than a moment of pleasure and connection, there’s a reason for it (likely several). And if you want to remedy things, it’s important to start from the beginning with the question: “why don’t I have a sex drive?”

Maybe you’re also thinking, “I don’t like sex anymore”. These are common thoughts—and they are all valid.

Desire Doesn’t Appear From Thin Air

Sexual arousal and desire often rely on context. Wanting sex doesn’t appear out of nowhere (especially not years into a partnership). We need something for it to materialize, like physical touch, a sense of safety, an emotional connection, or even just a relaxing atmosphere.

This is because desire thrives on motivation, whether that motivation is about exploring a particular fantasy, releasing the tension from the day, or feeling emotionally bonded to our partner.

Therefore, a good way to reignite desire is to discover your motivation for sex, and for some, this starts with understanding how to turn yourself on.

However, if thinking about sexual encounters triggers anxiety or worry, pause. It’s easy to jump to judgment. But the thing is, mental health conditions like depression or low self-esteem can easily reduce sex drive—and there are ways to work with that.

You might find yourself saying, “I never want to have sex” or “Why do I not like sex?” These thoughts don’t make you broken—they often make perfect sense.

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Low Libido Isn’t Always About Sex Itself

While low desire can be an issue of the sex you’re having not being exciting enough—rarely is that the full answer. In fact, low desire is often a sign of something going on outside of the bedroom, too.

It could be rooted in:

• Feeling emotionally overwhelmed or burned out
• Feeling unsure or down about your body 
• Being worried or anxious about what turns you on or feeling shame about sex
• Struggling to have open, easy conversations about sex with your partner
• Constant conflict about sex or your mismatched libidos

For sexual desire to return, sex needs to shift from pressure to pleasure.

As a professional who has offered sex therapy and coaching for many years now, I’ve worked with couples who deal with their desire difficulties in completely different ways. Some have tried lifestyle changes or couples therapy. Others have avoided sex and general physical affection altogether. 

Because saying no over and over again to their partner is exhausting — emotionally and physically. So to eliminate the conversation of why you don’t want sex yet again, you avoid anything that could trigger it. 

But regardless of which group you identify with, it’s vital to know that working on sexual desire isn’t just about finding a solution. While they’re, of course, important, rarely do they change things—if you don’t also believe change is possible. 

In fact, research shows that one of the main barriers to even getting help in the first place, is  a lack of belief. 

Because getting your libido back is also about:

• Trusting that you can feel sexual desire again
• Genuinely feeling ready to explore making changes
• Believing that you deserve a satisfying sex life

And it’s also about having compassion for where you’re at right now. Understanding that there truly is nothing wrong with you for not wanting sex. Because the reasons underpinning your low libido make sense—you just need to find them. 

You Choose Whether or Not You Want to Want Sex

Not feeling interested in sex isn’t strange. In fact, it’s one of the most common reasons people seek sex therapy.

Because let’s be honest: if sex feels pressuring, isn’t enjoyable, or even feels boring—of course you wouldn’t want it

After many years working in sex therapy and offering online coaching, I can honestly say this: no one has to have an active sex life for the sake of having it. It’s completely up to you whether or not you want to find your way back to sex.

And if you want to feel that burning desire for your partner again, but you’re doubting yourself—borrow a little of my belief until yours kicks in.

Because you probably feel like you’re all alone right now and that it’s impossible to turn things around. But it’s not. 

PS: If reconnecting with your desire isn’t what you’re after—that’s perfectly valid, too. In that case, a helpful next step might be figuring out how you and your partner can navigate having different levels of desire.

Where to Go From Here

Curious about what’s behind your lack of desire for sex? Download my free tool: The Desire Test. It’ll help you figure out what’s going on with your sex drive—from health conditions and hormone levels to risk factors like stress, unresolved conflicts, and societal pressures.

Once you understand what’s getting in the way, you’ll be in a much better place to reconnect with your body, explore your sexuality, and build a sex life that works for you.