13 minute read
As long-term relationships progress it’s easy for that sizzling sex life you used to share with your partner to dwindle. Instead of reaching for your partner, you find yourself reaching for the remote because you’re too tired for sex anyway. Don’t worry – this doesn’t mean that you can’t still relish in close intimacy and connection (even if things aren’t amazing at the moment!).
This article delves into some of the most common reasons your sex life might not be thriving, and surefire strategies to help rekindle your spark and fall back in love again. Because if there’s anything I’ve learned in my 7 years as a dedicated sex therapist and coach – it’s that things can change (even when it feels like they can’t).
And the best way there – is by being curious about what feels off and what to repair. That’s the key to getting closer to being intimate with your partner once again.
Without being honest about how interested you are in sex, and whether or not you want to do something about it – you’re not likely to be able to rekindle the connection with your partner.
For a lot of us, there are times in our lives when we don’t want sex and we’re ok with it. Perhaps the day-to-day pressures of life lead to overwhelm and exhaustion. Raising children, struggling with health challenges and errands that never seem to end might all be pulling your attention more than when your partner comes out of the shower dressed in only a towel.
If this sounds like you – know it makes sense you might not want to add another spinning plate in the form of working on your sex life.
But on the other hand – if sex has been an important part of your relationship in the past, it very likely still is.
Perhaps in ways you can’t see right now ‘cause you haven’t had the energy to get honest with yourself about it yet. But if you’re here reading this – it likely means there’s some part of you that feels sex is meaningful and something you want to work on.
Because the truth of the matter is – you could wait till you’re not tired anymore. But if we’re being honest, you might then end up waiting forever.
When you don’t want sex and your partner does you inevitably end up in a pursuer-distance dynamic that can wreak havoc on an otherwise great bond. Leading your partner to pursue you the more you pull away and vice-versa.
If you’re ready to break that dynamic or prevent it entirely – let’s dig a little deeper into what’s really going on.
One of the most common reasons why people come to me as a sex therapist and coach is that they’re struggling with on the one hand feeling too drained at the end of the day to have sex – and on the other wanting to get back into having a great sex life again.
Over time they’ve noticed that when there’s a lot going on, sex very naturally falls down their priority list.
They’ve already got a long laundry list of items to check off – and sex inevitably comes last because they often feel it can wait. But when sex is the final thing on a mental to-do-list, how sexy is that? Not at all. Which is why the predicament you’re in makes complete sense.
You’re trying to keep your life afloat (not just your sex life), and when we don’t put much thought into sex, and it’s something on our to-do list as opposed to something we feel pulled to do – of course you’re not ready for a romp in the sack at the end of the day.
You’ve hurriedly got your kids off to school, worked your full-time job, put on a load of laundry, done the dishes, made dinner, and now you’ve got a few hours before you’re going to crash into bed.
The idea of being intimate is the last thing you have on your mind (at least not in the positive I-can’t-wait-to-undress-you kind of way). But what if you could still enjoy sex despite feeling turned off? And what if sex could be the gatekeeper for that deeper intimate connection you’re still longing for deep down inside?
To get to a place where it feels doable, let’s start with asking yourself the question: how can we actually turn this around?
Because if you’re going to be tired for a few more years to come it’s important to find sex that works for you when you’re tired, rather than thinking you’ll get to it on some unknown day in the future.
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
When it comes to your relationship, most people have different ideas (and roles) that sex fulfils for them. It’s common in the same relationship to have conflicting ideas about this. One partner might feel like sex is more important than emotional connection, and the other may feel like emotional intimacy and closeness (like cuddling without sex) is more important than sexual pleasure.
The key here is communicating with your partner about where you both stand on this subject and how to bridge the gap. Because it’s possible.
But in order to solve this issue you need to be able to see the differences and talk about them openly. Because even if you don’t agree about what is more important, sex or your relationship, you’ll get closer to understanding why you have this conflict between you.
When you know the why – the how becomes infinitely simpler.
And even if there still will likely be a difference of opinions, you can work together as a team to find the plan that meets both of your needs.
If you’ve reached the conclusion that despite being tired and stressed, you want to help your intimate connection flourish again so you feel closer to your partner – there are lots of ways of getting there.
It’s normal to have a lot of expectations surrounding sex. While expectations per se don’t have to be a bad thing, when left unchecked or unspoken about – they can be quite harmful.
One of the most universal expectations is that sex should be incredibly pleasurable. This is, of course, a fine expectation to have around sex! It’s got to be mutually satisfying for you both (otherwise what’s the point, right?).
However, when you’re feeling exhausted, entering into having sex with your partner where it has to be amazing and cause sexual fireworks is a tall order. Because sex cannot be amazing all of the time. Not even in relationships where couples say they have a magnificent sex life – is every time a thunder show.
On the other hand – if you go into sex thinking it will be completely underwhelming, there isn’t much motivation to get going either. And you run the risk of starting to say yes to sex for your partner’s or your marriage’s sake.
This kind of one-way sex easily leads to resentment (and possibly feelings or situations of non-consent) which is why it’s important to be aware of why you’re having sex when you’re having it and stick to reasonable expectations that can be a guiding in light in when to say no, stop or give it a go.
When you’re faced with lots of expectations (both consciously and subconsciously) it can make what “counts” as sex incredibly limiting.
By lowering your expectations it allows a greater breadth of what counts as an intimate connection between you and your partner. This reduces the amount of pressure you feel around “doing the whole thing” and you start to see (and feel) that smaller moments of sexual intimacy actually count and fill up your cup (and your partner’s too).
The idea of foreplay is actually a bit of an antiquated term as it literally refers to anything sexual that isn’t penetration. And part of what the word does is it creates a distinction between what society believes is “real sex” and what the buildup to sex is.
This very easily means you could be having all kinds of sex (ex. Intense make-outs, petting and oral sex) but not think of it as such because what you have defined as “real sex” never occurs. And in essence, it turns into one gnawing expectation to contend with.
When you start to look at all the things you’re doing that are sexual, rather than focusing on what you thought of as sex in the past, you’re giving yourself a greater opportunity to not only see progress – but also get excited about your sex life.
It shifts the perspective from feeling like you’re not doing enough or that you’re letting your partner down – to seeing all the ways you’re still a sexual couple.
When you think of the things you’re doing as successes rather than as failures, you start to feel like sex is less of a hard slog or a chore, and more like something you want to keep engaging in.
Even at the smallest level you’ll be furthering intimacy and connection, rather than being hard on yourself and always thinking that what you’re doing is never enough.
Because if it’s never enough – what’s the point of even making out? Or touching each other sensually?
It’s also great when you feel too tired for sex because you’re setting the bar intentionally really low and still giving yourself credit for the effort you made in spite of feeling exhausted. And when you see the progress, you’ll feel better about your relationship and sex life which will likely boost more desire and motivation to keep your sex life going throughout the years.
Because sexual pleasure in all forms – counts as sex.
Getting caught up in your mind during sex is really easy.
And part of the reason for this is that a lot of us have been brought up and continue to live, in cultures where being in our mind – is the norm.
For example, being intelligent or quick-witted is often valued highly, and being able to multi-task and get stuff done quickly is generally seen as a positive – as compared to people who move slowly throughout life.
Add to that we’re used to using things like talk therapy as a way of dealing with mental health difficulties and sexual difficulties, and a lot of jobs nowadays focus on the output from our brain instead of manual labour – which means being in our mind is kind of our default. And one that is culturally preferred.
For that reason, a lot of us are simply unused to “being” in our bodies.
And that means you can very easily get distracted when you’re trying to focus on something physical (like sex) and your mind calls you to something else.
Perhaps you find yourself thinking about your to-do list during sex, paying less attention to the physical sensations and thus losing interest.
When this happens, you’re struggling to be present in the moment – something that can be profoundly difficult to achieve especially if we’re already tired and stressed. And if you’re not present – you’re focused on another passage of time: the future or the past, but never the now.
When you struggle and cannot get out of your head during sex, your attention feels distracted and your partner might feel this as well. Furthermore, it usually impacts your ability to get turned on as well as stay turned on.
If this is a struggle of yours know you’re not alone. Seeking out a professional can help you develop skills to stay present during sex. This in turn will likely increase your sex drive and arousal capabilities – leading to toe-curling moments with your partner.
And once those things are increased – you very likely won’t feel too tired for sex anymore. Because you know you’re in for a good time!
When you’re struggling to create more intimacy and connection, a dead-simple way to increase the chances of it happening – is by making it easy for it to happen. Part of how you can increase your odds of having sex is therefore simply by going to bed together.
Many partners who have been together for a long time, find that they have different sleep habits or schedules. That means, when one of you goes to bed, the other may not be so quick to join. They’d much rather stay up late and read a book or watch another episode on Netflix. And when the second person comes to bed, chances are, their partner is already fast asleep.
When this mixed sleep schedule happens over time, you reduce your opportunities for sex. This means you have to actively find other times to connect. And if you’re exhausted and stretched thin – finding “one more time” to have sex might be too much. Instead of adding this challenge to the mix, you can remove it by simply going to bed at the same time.
And while this certainly isn’t a guarantee that sex will happen (and might not be the sexiest of ideas either), it does bring you closer to the possibility of sex.
In turn, boosting your chances of being intimate with your partner, whether that’s by a few intimate kisses or by engaging in the whole she-bang.
Finally, when it comes to a sex life that’ stopped dead in its tracks, it’s really important to take a step back and consider how your overall relationship might be having a negative impact on your sex life.
For a lot of people, their sex drive is directly connected to how close they feel emotionally.
When closeness is a prerequisite for desire, feeling distanced from your partner can have a tremendous impact on your desire. So whether it’s because you’re super busy, raising kids, exhausted from work (or all of the above!) if you require closeness to feel desire, you need to connect with your partner before your desire can return.
And if you’re the partner of someone who needs closeness to feel like they want sex, this can be a great way to ensure you don’t keep getting rejected all of the time. Because it hurts when you feel unwanted in your relationship.
One great place to start is by checking out this list of 17 intimate questions to ask your partner, to facilitate more emotional closeness.
And quality time that doesn’t have to lead to sex?
If you’re not spending enough time together, try putting that at the top of your to-do list next time. Even if it’s just 10-15 minutes in the morning before the kids get up or a coffee date on Saturday mornings, or an hour together after everyone goes to bed for the night.
The idea is to make your relationship a priority by taking time together on a regular basis. Starting small here is key so that it really happens.
The beauty of this kind of habit is that it adds up over time and puts deposits into your relationship’s emotional bank account. When that bank account is full, it helps insulate your partnership from times when you have no time or strength to give to one another at all.
No one should have to struggle with feeling lost in love with someone they truly care about. If you’ve been struggling with issues like the ones in this article, reaching out for support is a good idea.
And the sooner you start – the better. According to relationship researcher John Gottman at the Gottman Institute on average, couples wait six years before they seek help. That’s six years of unsatisfactory emotional closeness and sexual intimacy. And it’s easy to see how you end up there when you keep waiting for things to change ob their own simply because you’re so busy and distracted.
But at the end of the day, you deserve to have a relationship filled with intimacy and connection now – you don’t have to wait half a decade until you start doing something about it.
In my 1:1 online program Re:Desire I help you create a pressure-free, stress-free, shame-free sex life with your partner. For 9 whole months you get coached by a sex therapist specialized in low desire and accompanying pressure and stress surrounding sex – so you can finally relish in close, intimate connection with your partner again.
You’re not alone! Download the 10-page Desire Test to find out why your desire for sex is gone (and what to do about it).
Questions based on a variety of factors proven to negatively affect desire
Find out which factors are responsible for your low or non-existent sex drive
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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