Expert Advice: What To Do When You Have Difficulty Orgasming During Sex

Difficulty orgasming during sex is one of the number one reasons people seek out sex therapists.

Despite this being a common problem – not being able to climax leaves a lot of us feeling abnormal. After all, Hollywood movies and pornography make it seem as if all you need is 30 seconds of penetration to have an orgasm. And it’s not as if it’s a subject we bring up by the water cooler, which means for all we know, we’re the only ones who can’t come.

Let me tell you – you’re not alone – regardless of your gender.

Listed below are the 4 steps you need to take in order to be able to have an orgasm.
 

1. Understand the root cause

There are a lot of different reasons as to why we experience difficulty orgasming during sex. There are physical reasons such as taking SSRI medication for depression or anxiety, having weak pelvic floor muscles or not being turned on physically, i.e. not having an erection or not lubricating. 

Even psychological reasons often affect our orgasm abilities. Not feeling turned on mentally is a big one. So even if our body is raring to go, we might not be interested in having sex on a psychological level. This is due to the sexual desire vs. sexual arousal complex.

For those who find it incredibly easy to orgasm, sexual desire isn’t always needed to climax. But for most of us, we need to feel in the mood for an orgasm to happen.

Most times, difficulty achieving orgasm is about a combination of several different factors, often psychological and physiological. By using the steps listed in this article you can increase your chances of having an orgasm, regardless of your gender.

2. Make sure you’re turned on and enjoy the sex you’re having

This may seem obvious, but as a sex therapist who regularly sees clients who can’t come, I can tell you it’s pretty common.

If you’re not enjoying the moment with a partner (perhaps sex feels like nothing or is just plain uncomfortable), chances are you won’t have an orgasm.

In order to experience an explosive climax it’s important you know what triggers sexual desire. And that you actually enjoy the sexual encounter.

This means being fully present during the whole thing – appreciating the touch of your partner and/or yourself, and not wondering or worrying about whether an orgasm will happen. Essentially, you need to get out of your head during sex.

It’s not uncommon to have only one of the two be on board, and sometimes that’s okay. The most important one to focus on here, at least in the beginning of the act, is the mental desire – your libido.  

When you’re having sex you need to feel that urge to revel in the passion with your partner(s). If you’re caught up in thoughts such as “why am I not coming?” or “it’s taking too long for me to have an orgasm” or “she’ll think there’s something wrong if I don’t come soon”, your libido will likely disappear quickly – and with it goes your orgasm too.

If you feel like you have zero sex drive at the moment, my blog post on causes of low libido in women and causes of low libido in men will be helpful in regaining your libido, and getting that step closer to orgasming.

Want your sex drive back?

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Download the quiz and you also get instant get access to my, deeply appreciated, weekly newsletter. You can unsubscribe at any time.

3. Use the right technique

Difficulty orgasming during sex is often partly caused by not using the right technique.

If you can orgasm during sex with yourself but not during sex with a partner, chances are you’re not orgasming because you’re simply not using the same techniques in both situations.

For women and people with vulvas/vaginas, stimulating the clitoris is usually needed for an orgasm to take place. In heterosexual relationships we’re used to viewing vaginal penetration as the “real sex”, and everything else, such as oral sex or petting, as foreplay.

If you’d rather your partner was the one touching you, you’ll need to instruct them on how to do this.

The same goes for men and people with penises. If you’re used to using the same technique over and over again during masturbation, and your partner isn’t stimulating you the same way, you’ll want to make sure the technique is adapted to better fit your needs. If you want tips on how to talk about sex, you can find it in this post on communication in relationships.

If you can’t orgasm during masturbation or sex with a partner, you might want to try out new techniques. For women and people with vulvas/vaginas it can be as simple as adjusting pressure or circulating around the clitoris as opposed to touching it directly.

For men and people with penises it’s important to also try playing around with different techniques. Some might be helped by using a sex toy, for example a masturbation egg.

4. Tone your pelvic floor muscles

Sometimes it can seem as if you’ve tried a hundred different things and yet orgasms just won’t give you the time of day! This is the time to bring in some good old exercises known as kegels.

We tend to think of kegel exercises as something only women and people with vulvas/vaginas need to do. Especially after pregnancy and childbirth. But kegels are actually important for everyone!

Kegel exercises tone your pelvic floor muscles. These are the muscles that contract when you have an orgasm and in order for them to be able to contract quickly enough, they need to be somewhat toned.

Difficulty orgasming during sex can take a toll on both ourselves and our partner(s). But even if it’s been years or you’ve never had one at all, there are ways to remedy this. And they don’t have to be so complicated! It’s all about being turned on, using the right techniques and doing your kegels.