How Long Is Too Long Without Sex In A Marriage?
5 min read
When you haven’t had sex in months, or even years, it’s not uncommon to find yourself wondering; how long is too long without sex in a marriage? After all, sex is seen as the invisible glue that keeps spouses together forever and ever. But as a sex therapist who specializes in low desire and no sex drive – you need to know this invisible sex glue is a little more complex than your regular gluestick.
Because everyone has a different relationship with sex.
What makes; how long is too long without sex in a marriage, a tricky question
When it comes to working out how long is healthy to go without sex in a relationship or marriage – you’ll want to consider the following.
Sex is more or less important
For some, sex is an important part of how they express their identity. Or a great way to reduce stress (you can read more about it in my blog post on “does sex relieve stress”).
For others, sex is a lovely way to make up after a fight, or to build more emotional closeness after a romantic meal.
The point being; sex can be and mean many different things to us all. This also means, sex might be more important to your partner or vice versa, than it is to you.
And throughout my years of helping people with different libidos, one thing has become abundantly clear. It’s more common than not for people to have differing opinions on how important sex is. And this makes the question of how long you can go without sex a complicated one. One that can breed resentment and sexual anxiety over time.
Because how long is too long without sex in a marriage or relationship – is entirely up to you to decide. The very nature of the question is subjective, because sex doesn’t have inherent meaning. It’s important if you feel it’s important. And equally – it’s not important if you don’t feel it is.
Monogamy means we can’t have sex with someone else
When wondering how long is too long without sex in a marriage – you need to consider the difficulties marriage itself creates surrounding sex.
Not everyone is in a monogamous relationship or marriage – but it’s certainly the norm to be in one. And the thing with monogamy is – it can make sex more important than it perhaps has to be.
When our non-sexual needs aren’t met in our relationship, we can fulfill them through our other relationships. We can have a laugh together with a friend, talk about spirituality with our mum, or even work out with a close acquaintance.
The difficulty monogamy poses when it comes to sex – is that if the sex isn’t working – we can’t look elsewhere for sexual fulfilment. This instantly turns sex into something fundamentally important in our marriage.
The quality of sex matters
The question of how long is too long without sex in a marriage, also brings up another question. And a potentially more important one: what’s the quality of sex like when you actually have it?
Because sex isn’t a magical potion that ties us together – good sex – is.
Having sex to please your partner or faking pleasure is a perfectly normal response to the pressures of having an active sex life.
We’re afraid of what no or less sex means. So we have it – though we don’t want it.
The problem is, sex that doesn’t feel good, or sex that we’re forcing ourselves to have, doesn’t improve our marriage. Because it can’t create that elusive intimacy or joy if it’s not a pleasurable experience.
Instead, we end up turning off during sex, creating mental to-do lists, so we don’t have to experience that which simply isn’t worth experiencing. This can cause us to feel like sex after marriage is never a good experience – one that we should avoid at all costs.
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When it turns into a sexless relationship
The problem with a sexless relationship doesn’t necessarily have to be the lack of sex. It’s the lack of conversations surrounding the lack of sex that causes the biggest rifts.
We wait and wait and hope things will sort themselves out, because we don’t really want to talk about us not having sex anymore.
Why? Because it’s uncomfortable to talk about, and we’re afraid of what the outcome of the conversation will be.
But if you never talk about it, you end up reverting to myths about why couples stop having sex - like your partner has fallen out of love with you. Or your relationship is doomed. Or you’re not attractive anymore.
Not wanting sex often boils down to lots of other things, and if you don't have the conversation you’ll never know why your partner isn’t interested anymore. And you won’t be able to fix it, either.
What happens to your relationship when you don't have sex
Not having sex in your relationship doesn't have to be a dealbreaker - but it can be. Because, as we talked about above, sex isn't just sex.
Sex is an integral part of the human experience (whether you love sex or not). Because of this we all have a relationship with sex itself. And when you're not having any with your partner, it can wreak havoc on your emotional closeness.
It can make you feel like you're miles apart. It can start have you feel like you're not attracted to your partner anymore. After all - no having sex anymore must mean you've lost attraction, right?
Not really.
The reasons you’re not having sex are more important than not having sex itself.
How long is too long without sex in a marriage is a question that suggests lots of sex is better than none. But according to an article in Psychology Today, the reasons you’re not having sex are likely more important than how often you’re having it.
For instance, if you’re not having sex because you’re going through a serious health condition or you’re stressed at work - the lack of sex might not have to mean anything.
On the other hand, if you’re not having sex because your feel resentful towards your partner, or you’ve stopped communicating at all - the lack could be a sign you need to work on your overall relationship first.
The invisible sex glue can only become glue when you address the underlying issues.
Is it really a problem?
When it comes to working out how long is too long - you need to take a step back and really look at what sex means to you. Here are a few questions to ponder:
- Is it important because it is - or is it important because society says it is?
- Does an active sex life make you feel closer to one another? And if so, are you willing to talk about it with your partner? Having the conversation really is the only want to create that enmeshment with each others’ minds, bodies and hearts again. Especially if it's been more than 6 months.
- What would it mean to you if you and your partner started having sex again? When you’ve worked that out - share it with them! You might be surprised at their surprise with why sex is important to you.
How to talk to your partner about what's happening in your sex life
When you find yourself asking the question how long is too long without sex in a marriage, you're usually worried about the lack of sex. And this is when you'll want to consider bringing it up with your spouse. This really is the only way to get to the heart of the matter and create change. Because when you haven't had sex for a long period of time - you're both secretly thinking about it anyway.
- Start off by sharing what you've noticed and how it's been affecting you. Make sure to not put the blame on your partner here, even if you're the one that initiates and gets rejected. Remember - it takes two to create a dynamic in a marriage.
- Tell your partner how much they mean to you and how you want to get your sex life back on track (if that indeed is what you want). Share how you're open to exploring what you both an change in order to start enjoying each other sexually again.
- Ask your partner what they need in order to desire sex again - and share what you need too. Again, you're both in this together which means you both probably need to change old habits or ways of relating that haven't been conducive to sex.
- Make a plan of when you'll return to the conversation, so you can make sure this challenging conversation actually leads to more open communication surrounding sex. This is crucial in order for a sexless relationship to pick back up again!
What to do if you're afraid to bring it up
It can feel tricky to bring up the subject of sex, even on a good day! But here's the thing to consider - if you want change something has to change. And if you're not talking about how long it's been, the best way to reduce that fear is to talk about it sooner rather than later.
Because the longer you wait, the more awkward and pressurized the conversation and situation become. We tend to build things up in our minds to the point of making them impossible.
But if you take the plunge and rip off the bandaid by following the steps above, you're creating a situation where you will likely have a productive conversation that actually leads somewhere!
What you need to know when you're asking the question; How long is too long without sex in a marriage
And lastly, when you’re trying to answer how long is too long without sex in a marriage - please know this. Sex that hasn’t happened in weeks, months or years, doesn’t have to be your permanent state. It’s possible to create that invisible sex glue again - the kind that leaves you feeling giddy the rest of the day and longing for closeness at night.
First published 2022/07/12. Updated 2023/05/30.
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Leigh Norén
Author bio
Sex Therapist & Coach
MASTER OF SCIENCE IN SEXOLOGY, THERAPY TRAINING, SOCIAL WORKER
With 11 years of experience in the helping profession - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
