How Long Is Too Long Without Sex In A Marriage?

5 min read

When you haven’t had sex in months, or even years, it’s not uncommon to find yourself wondering; how long is too long without sex in a marriage? After all, sex is seen as the invisible glue that keeps spouses together forever and ever. But as a sex therapist who specializes in low desire and no sex drive – you need to know this invisible sex glue is a little more complex than your regular gluestick. 

Because everyone has a different relationship with sex. 

What makes; how long is too long without sex in a marriage, a tricky question

When it comes to working out how long is healthy to go without sex in a relationship or marriage – you’ll want to consider the following.

Sex is more or less important

For some, sex is an important part of how they express their identity. Or a great way to reduce stress (read more about it in my blog post on “does sex relieve stress”). 

For others, sex is a lovely way to make up after a fight, or to build more emotional closeness after a romantic meal.

The point being; sex can be and mean many different things to us all. This also means, sex might be more important to your partner or vice versa, than it is to you.

And throughout my years of helping people with different libidos, one thing has become abundantly clear. It’s more common than not for people to have differing opinions on how important sex is. And this makes the question of how long you can go without sex a complicated one. One that can breed resentment and sexual anxiety over time.

Monogamy means we can’t have sex with someone else 

When wondering how long is too long without sex in a marriage – you need to consider the difficulties marriage itself creates surrounding sex. 

Not everyone is in a monogamous relationship or marriage – but it’s certainly the norm to be in one. And the thing with monogamy is – it can make sex more important than it perhaps has to be.

When our non-sexual needs aren’t met in our relationship, we can fulfill them through our other relationships. We can have a laugh together with our friend, talk about spirituality with our mum, or even work out with a close acquaintance. 

The difficulty monogamy poses when it comes to sex – is that if the sex isn’t working – we can’t look elsewhere for sexual fulfilment. Instantly turning sex into something fundamentally important in our marriage.

The quality of sex matters

The question of how long is too long without sex in a marriage, also brings up another question. And a potentially more important one: what’s the quality of sex like when you actually have it?

Because sex isn’t a magical potion that ties us together – good sex – is. 

Having sex to please your partner or faking pleasure is a perfectly normal response to the pressures of having an active sex life. 

We’re afraid of what no or less sex means. So we have it – though we don’t want it. 

The problem is, sex that doesn’t feel good, or sex that we’re forcing ourselves to have, doesn’t improve our marriage. Because it can’t create that elusive intimacy or joy if it’s not a pleasurable experience.

Instead, we end up turning off during sex, creating mental to-do lists, so we don’t have to experience that which simply isn’t worth experiencing. This can cause us to feel like sex after marriage is never a good experience – one that we should avoid at all costs.

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When it turns into a sexless relationship

The problem with a sexless relationship doesn’t necessarily have to be the lack of sex. It’s the lack of conversations surrounding the lack of sex that causes the biggest rifts. 

We wait and wait and hope things will sort themselves out, because we don’t really want to talk about us not having sex anymore. 

Why? Because it’s uncomfortable to talk about, and we’re afraid of what the outcome of the conversation will be.

But if you never talk about it, you end up reverting to myths about why couples stop having sex – like your partner has fallen out of love with you. Or your relationship is doomed. Or you’re not attractive anymore. 

Not wanting sex often boils down to lots of other things, and if you don’t have the conversation you’ll never know why your partner isn’t interested anymore. And you won’t be able to fix it, either.

The reasons you’re not having sex are more important

How long is too long without sex in a marriage is a question that suggests lots of sex is better than none. But according to an article in Psychology Today, the reasons you’re not having sex are likely more important than how often you’re having it. 

For instance, if you’re not having sex because you’re going through a serious health condition or you’re stressed at work – the lack of sex might not have to mean anything. 

On the other hand, if you’re not having sex because your feel resentful towards your partner, or you’ve stopped communicating at all – the lack could be a sign you need to work on your overall relationship first. 

The invisible sex glue can only become glue when you address the underlying issues. 

Is it really a problem?

When it comes to working out how long is too long – you need to take a step back and really look at what sex means to you. Here are a few questions to ponder: 

1. Is it important because it is – or is it important because society says it is?

2. Does an active sex life make you feel closer to one another? And if so, are you willing to talk about it with your partner? Having the conversation really is the only want to create that enmeshment with each others’ minds, bodies and hearts again. Especially if it’s been more than 6 months.
   
   
3. What would it mean to you if you and your partner started having sex again? When you’ve worked that out – share it with them! You might be surprised at their surprise with why sex is important to you. 

And lastly, when you’re trying to answer how long is too long without sex in a marriage – please know this. Sex that hasn’t happened in weeks, months or years, doesn’t have to be your permanent state. It’s possible to create that invisible sex glue again – the kind that leaves you feeling giddy the rest of the day and longing for closeness at night.