What No One Tells You About Sex After Marriage

First published 6st September, 2022. Updated 31th March, 2025.

6 min read

Once the confetti settles and the hum-drum of daily life sets in, it’s not unusual to feel a shift in your sex life. Because let’s be realistic – an unforgettable wedding doesn’t guarantee effortless intimacy.But that doesn’t mean your sex life is doomed. In fact, being married can offer new levels of closeness, connection, and yes – pleasure. Hear from a sex therapist who specialises in supporting people with low desire & mismatched libidos.

THE MYTHS WE’RE TOLD ABOUT SEX AFTER MARRIAGE

The Happily Every After

So many of us grew up watching Disney’s love stories where everything magically works out as long as you’re with “the one.” We soaked up those fairytales from an early age.

Even with more diverse and modern twists in recent versions, the core ideas are still the same:

• Our partner is supposed to complete or save us (especially in hetero love stories)
• If it’s real love, everything will fall into place
• True love means always being in sync, no matter what
• If we’re soulmates, everything feels easy – including sex

Even when we know these ideas aren’t true (or even realistic!)—they still have a very real impact on our expectations. Because what we grow up with often becomes part and parcel of our being.

And when our sex life and relationship doesn’t match the movies? We start to question ourselves – and our partnership.

The Hollywood Script

Beyond Disney—Hollywood films deeply affect how we view sex and romance. No matter the genre, they often paint a picture where sex is a measure of how close and happy a couple is.

• Couples that have sex all of the time are obviously right for one another 
• When the sex disappears, the relationship must be in trouble or is doomed
• And in some genres, especially horror, sex is even tied to punishment or shame, especially for female characters

Whether it’s romance or drama, the message is clear: without sex, a marriage is either broken or pointless.

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

THE REALITY OF SEX AFTER MARRIAGE

Ups and Downs are Totally Normal

Sometimes, sex does reflect how connected we feel. Other times it doesn’t. After working with couples for years as a sex therapist, there’s one thing I know for certain: sex is rarely straightforward.

Most married couples experience periods where things feel off. Maybe one partner isn’t feeling desire, or orgasms become impossible to reach. Sometimes pain or discomfort during sex gets in the way.

These struggles are more common than you think. And they don’t mean something is wrong with you or your relationship. Relationships don’t fall apart because of slumps, but because we believe they shouldn’t occur in the first place.

Yes, some research states that sexual frequency does usually decline within the first few years of marriage. But with curiosity and support, sex after marriage can still be sizzling and gratifying. The key is not jumping to conclusions when things get tough or complicated. 

For Some, it Actually Gets Better

Esther Perel once said “Your sex life doesn’t end when you take your vows. This is when the story starts.”. According to the article in Well and Good, she describes married sex as a “creative project.”

This doesn’t mean sex becomes chore-like – it means it asks of you to be intentional. And this intentionality can make sex all the more worthwhile.

Because for many, married sex is less about sparks flying and more about trust, playfulness, and emotional bonding. It’s not a random one-night stand where we’re blinded by rose-tinted glasses – it’s about real connection.

At its core, sex in a marriage is communication with someone who sees all of you.

This can lead to deep sexual satisfaction and build emotional intimacy that keeps feeding our relationship, year out and year in. 

So while the attraction of the early days may fade—what takes its place can be even more satisfying. If you allow it to be. A rewarding sex life after marriage is entirely possible.

More isn’t Always Better

We often assume that more sex = better sex. But here’s the truth:

Just because a couple is having sex often doesn’t mean both partners are into it. Sometimes, one person has little to no sex drive but still goes along with it.

Why? Because they feel pressured. Or guilty. Or like it’s their “job” and they need to keep the peace at home. 

Some even schedule sex because they believe it’s the only way to save their relationship. And let’s be honest—this is a tip that many sex therapists recommend. However, it doesn’t work if there’s simultaneous pressure and stress surrounding sex. 

Sex can be an important part of a marriage – but only if you’re enjoying the sex you’re having. Otherwise, it turns into something performative.

 In fact, research shows that sex that’s had to avoid a negative outcome such as arguments about sex, leads to less satisfaction in a relationship.

As Sex therapist Fogel Mersy points out: “Using stats to guide your sex life can lead to ticking the box, not actually feeling desire.”

So, if you’re not having sex on a regular basis—it’s not automatically a problem. The real question is: do you feel satisfied with the sex you do have?

Things Can Get Better

You can shift sexual dynamics—even if you and your spouse feel stuck right now.

I’ve supported couples who hadn’t had sex in years to find their way back to one another. I’ve seen those where that which felt tense—became light again. Where sex became fun. Meaningful. Deeply satisfying.

I’ve also helped those who struggled to orgasm, or who had never come with their partner—reach that pinnacle of pleasure. They learned how to tune into what turned them on and how to guide their partner in providing pleasure.

Because sexual satisfaction is like a skill you can build – even with a partner where you haven’t before. 

Tackling sexual difficulties as a team – not opponents – is where the magic happens. Married life sex (just like all sex, really) isn’t about performance – it’s about partnership.

HERE’S WHAT REALLY MATTERS

Chances are, what you’ve believed about sex after marriage comes from myths and media.  Some married couples stop having sex—others don’t. 

A drop in sex drive or mismatched libidos aren’t red flags—they’re a signal. One that invites you to pause, talk, explore, and maybe rewrite the rules of your sex life, together.

Sex after your nuptials can become something that’s truly enjoyable. Intimate. Healing. And yes – hot

When you’re wondering what sex after marriage really looks like—consider this: A healthy sex life isn’t about having more sex. It’s about having sex that feels right and enjoyable for you both. Satisfying sex is always better than frequent underwhelming sex.

The truth about sex marriage is that it shifts and evolves, and that’s not a sign of failure—it’s growth.

From a sex therapist who knows – because I’ve helped make it happen.