8 min read
Has your relationship gone from lustful to lacklustre? You’re not alone. Lots of people find themselves in a relationship where sexual intimacy has all but disappeared. But if you want to know how to revive your sexless relationship, there’s good news – because you’re in the right place.
I’ll show you how to regain passion in three basic steps. But first — let’s define what a sexless relationship actually is and isn’t.
A sexless relationship is defined as a relationship with very little or no sex. Some experts say sexless relationships constitute 10 sexual encounters or less within a year. However, “sexless” is a subjective term and a relationship without sexual encounters isn’t a medically defined condition.
This means you get to decide what sexless means and when you feel like your relationship enters that territory or not.
It also means you get to decide whether you want to change it or not.
As a sex therapist and sex coach, a large part of those I help are in what they themselves define as sexless relationships. Sometimes both parties are suffering from low sex drive, but other times, it’s more one partner who’s lost interest in sex than the other.
Regardless of how aligned partners’ levels of desire are — it’s clear that the idea of being in a sexless relationship is stressful for both parties. And this has many reasons.
The truth of the matter is: a lot of people are in sexless relationships — whether this means they have sex once every other month, once a year, or once every other year.
It’s a normal experience. This doesn’t mean it’s an enjoyable one, but it also doesn’t have to mean anything is wrong with you or your relationship.
If you want to know how to revive your sexless relationship, you first need to understand what’s causing the lack of sex.
There are lots of reasons people why couples stop having sex. These range from psychological factors like depression, anxiety, and negative body image, to relationship factors like irritation and conflict.
Even more circumstantial factors such as having a newborn baby, losing your job, or working hard to meet a deadline at your workplace — can all affect how much you feel like prioritising sex and having sex.
But sexless relationships aren’t just a result of experiencing low sex drive. Sometimes we kind of end up in “the friend zone” within our own romantic relationship. Even if it’s a loving and committed one.
One reason this happens is because both parties (or as is common, one party) feel like sex has turned into a chore. They no longer equate it with pleasure and intimacy, instead they relate it to pressure and stress.
If this sounds like you or your partner, know it’s common and that it doesn’t have to stay this way.
A few questions to ask yourself, if you experience pressure and stress surrounding sex are:
Sometimes, the answer to the last question reveals the most important information, namely whether you want to work on your sex life or not.
How to revive your sexless relationship hinges on if you want to revive it or not. You can’t get in the mood if you don’t want to want to get in the mood.
Whether you want to spark more passion or not, you need to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about what is going on.
When you’re talking about the above, keep in mind that it’s not uncommon for emotions to run high.
Sex is a sensitive subject and it’s not like we learned how to talk about sex in school or from our parents.
As you tread this sensitive ground together, a few tips to keep in mind to make sure it doesn’t veer into conflict territory, are to talk about the positives, too.
When you combine an open and frank conversation about sex with the positives about your relationship — you ensure a better, more fruitful discussion. For more tips, you can read my blog post on how to talk to your partner about sex.
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When you know what’s causing the lack of sexual intimacy and how you both feel about it, your next step is to work out what to do about it. This is where you get practical about how to revive your sexless relationship.
If you can’t get on the same page about working on your sexual relationship, start by seeking couples therapy. Getting the help of a relationship or sex therapist can be a great way of moving forward. A neutral, third-party can often diffuse the situation and offer possible solutions.
If you know you both want to work on getting some of that spark back, you’ll want to change your approach to sex.
You see, how to revive your sexless relationship has a lot to do with how you look at sexual desire. If you believe it should come spontaneously, no matter how long you’ve been together, you probably won’t see much improvement.
This is because sex drive is so much more complicated than our other drives. It requires effort.
If you actively start making steps to ensure sex happens – you’ll be able to get that sexual intimacy back.
This might look like:
See what happens if you can make a romantic move during lunchtime, nap time for the kids, or in the morning, when you’ve had a good night’s rest.
Losing the spark happens for many reasons; we stop prioritising sex, suffer from low libido, or feel like sex is a chore. If you want to reboot your sex life, it’s important to take it in three steps:
However, how to revive your sexless relationship might be more complicated than this, because your relationship with sex can be complicated. If you feel like you need more than just a few quick tips — you want and need the full solution, my online program Re:Desire, is right for you.
Re:Desire is a high-touch online experience, where you learn how to reduce pressure and stress and increase intimacy and desire. Based on sexological science, coaching & psychotherapeutic tools, and my extensive experience as a sex therapist and coach – it’s the best way to change your relationship with sex for the long-haul. Read more about the program here and fill out the short 2-question application.
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