How Your Sexual Beliefs Shape Your Desire and Relationship Satisfaction

Published on 2 June, 2025

7 min read

Sex can be hard. Especially when we don’t want the same things in the bedroom or have different libido levels. 

I’ve been working as a sex therapist for over 9+ years, supporting people through the ups and downs of desire, intimacy, and emotional connection.

I’ve seen firsthand how deeply our sexual beliefs and values can shape not only our libido, but also how supported and connected we feel in our relationships—especially when things aren’t quite working in the bedroom (or wherever you tend to have sex). 

In this article we’ll explore how these beliefs develop, how they can hold us back, and what you can do to create a more fulfilling sexual and emotional connection.

Because it’s possible, even if it may not feel that way right now. 

Want to listen instead? Listen to the podcast episode from In Bed with Science: a Sex Podcast, below.

The Power of Beliefs in the Bedroom

We know that sexual issues are one of the most common reasons romantic relationships end. But science shows it’s not necessarily the problems themselves that do the damage—it’s how we handle them. 

Conflict, after all, isn’t inherently bad. It’s how we engage with it that counts.

One major player in how we handle sexual difficulties? Our sexual beliefs. Today, we’re unpacking the concepts of sexual growth beliefs and sexual destiny beliefs.

• Sexual growth beliefs suggest that a fulfilling sex life takes effort and continuous work.
  
• Sexual destiny beliefs hold that a great sex life is the result of being with the right person and having natural chemistry.

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What the Research Tells Us

A 2023 study published in the Journal of Sex Research explored how these beliefs affect relationships and sex lives during difficult times.

Over 800 participants across three studies shared how they responded to sexual problems—like low desire or mismatched libidos—and how these beliefs influenced their behaviour and satisfaction.

Key Findings Regarding Sexual Growth Beliefs:

People who believed that sex takes effort and work were more likely to:

• Be sexually responsive to their partners (i.e., care about and attend to their partner’s sexual needs)
  
• Feel more understood and supported by their partner
  
• Be seen by their partner as more loving and responsive—especially when the couple was going through a sexual rough patch

And this was true even in situations like:

• When one partner had clinically low sexual desire. 
  
• When couples felt their sexual needs weren’t being met
  
• During times of sexual disruption, like the early COVID-19 lockdowns

There’s also a strong link between this kind of responsiveness and overall satisfaction in the relationship.

If you feel your partner is genuinely trying to listen to you and respond to your needs—especially in the bedroom—it makes you feel more secure, cared for, and connected. That alone can make your relationship feel stronger and more fulfilling.

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WANT YOUR SEX DRIVE BACK?

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Yes, please!

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Key Findings Regarding Sexual Destiny Beliefs:

People who believed that great sex is just about “finding the one” were more likely to:

• Be less responsive to their partner’s needs (both sexually and generally)
  
• Feel less cared for by their partner
  
• Be more negatively affected by unmet sexual expectations

This was especially true when there were sexual challenges. For example, if someone believed in sexual destiny and their sex life wasn’t going well, they were more likely to see the relationship as doomed or hopeless rather than something they could work on.

How These Beliefs Show Up in Real Life

Low vs. High Desire
You’re putting in the work—seeing a sex therapist, doing the exercises—but your partner, who holds a destiny belief, doesn’t see the progress and begins to withdraw.

Ongoing Challenges
Sexual difficulties (like difficulty climaxing or getting aroused) have been present for a while, leading both partners to doubt the relationship—even though there’s love—because they believe sex should be effortless.

Mismatch in Libido
You’re open to getting help, but your partner resists, believing a low libido (or mismatched libidos) signals incompatibility. Still, you hold on to hope—a growth belief—that things could improve with effort.

Why Responsiveness Matters

The research shows that being responsive to a partner’s needs—even when facing sexual struggles—can protect and even strengthen a relationship. But it only works when that responsiveness comes from a genuine place. 

Sex that we have that’s in pursuit of a positive goal—like wanting to show our partner love or wanting to increase intimacy in our relationship—can lead to good sex and more desire. 

But sex we have in order to avoid a negative outcome—often leads to bad sex, and less desire, and it can feel like or lead to non-consensual sex. 

For this last reason alone, it’s so important to only be responsive to your parner’s needs from a place of positive pursuit—not guilt. 

When Low Desire Meets Belief Differences

In all three studies in the paper, researchers focused on heterosexual couples where the woman had clinically low sexual desire. 

They found that when the partner held growth beliefs (like “we can work on this together”), the woman was more likely to feel supported and connected.

But when the partner held destiny beliefs (like “if this were right, sex would just work”), the woman often felt more isolated and less understood—even on days when sex went “well.” And the partner didn’t recognize their partner’s efforts—even if they were having sex (or having the kinds of sex they wanted). 

This suggests that our sexual beliefs can cloud our perception of what’s going on.

Sexual Views Can Be Changed

Our sexual beliefs and views on sex are shaped by past experiences. They’re not fixed. And while this study didn’t explore belief change directly, therapy often centres around this kind of work. 

In fact, when therapy works, it’s because we’re changing our core beliefs. 

In work with my clients, many start with destiny beliefs—but they also carry a glimmer of growth hope. Through our work, that hope often flourishes into a full-blown belief in change. And this is necessary, for their efforts to actually shift things. 

How to Shift From Destiny to Growth

This shift is possible. Here’s how:

1. Identify your destiny belief. E.g., “Sex should be easy if I’m with the right person.”
   
   
2. Notice your emotions. What does that belief make you feel? Sad? Hopeless? Angry?
   
   
3. Trace your actions. How did that belief influence your behaviour? Did you withdraw, pick a fight, pretend to be asleep?
   
   
4. Challenge the belief. Is it 100% true? What evidence supports or contradicts it?
   
   
5. Create a new belief. Something flexible and empowering, like “Sexual problems are common, and they’re a signal that something needs to change—not a sign that something is broken.”
   
   
6. Plan for next time. Prepare how you’ll respond when that old belief shows up again. Reinforce your new belief through awareness and practice. Each time your old belief shows up, contradict it with your new one.

The Bottom Line

Changing beliefs is not a quick fix. It’s a process. But it’s a process that can transform your relationship and your sex life. 

Because at the end of the day, it’s not just the sexual challenge—it’s how we think about and respond to it that makes a significant difference. 

If you’d like the full exercise from this article, you can grab it here. 

And to make sure you never miss an episode, Subscribe to the podcast.

Note on Limitations: This study mostly involved white, monogamous, heterosexual couples, so we need to be cautious in generalising. Also, it was correlational, so it shows relationships between beliefs and outcomes, not cause and effect.