Breaking Free from Sexual Perfectionism

Published on 11 June, 2025

6 min read

Ever found yourself worrying more about being impressive in bed than enjoying it? You’re not alone. In our performance-focused culture, it’s common to place high standards on our sexual experiences – and sometimes, unrealistically high ones. 

But when we start to chase perfection in sex, just as we do in other parts of our lives – it can cause problems. Not only within ourselves, but within our relationships, too.

As a sex therapist and coach, I’m always looking into the deeper emotional and psychological threads that shape our sex lives. 

In this article, I’m diving into an eye-opening conversation I had with Noémie Viens, a PhD candidate, for my podcast In Bed with Science. We talked about the link between perfectionism and sexual experiences – and her findings might just change the way you think about sex.

Want to listen instead? Listen to the podcast episode from In Bed with Science: a Sex Podcast, below.

The Perfectionism Trap in Relationships

Sexual perfectionism isn’t just a catchy phrase—it’s a real psychological phenomenon. Noémie Vien’s study, which followed over 300 couples for a year, focused on three types of perfectionism:

• Self-oriented perfectionism – when you place high expectations on yourself.
• Other-oriented perfectionism – when you place high expectations on others.
• Socially prescribed perfectionism – when you feel external pressure to be perfect.

The study found that these three perfectionistism types don’t only show up at work or at home—they show up in the bedroom, too.

When Sexual Perfectionism Feels Like Validation

Interestingly, self-oriented perfectionism was linked to higher sexual desire towards one’s partner. Why? Because for some people, sex becomes a way to achieve a sense of competence, confidence, and self-worth. 

The moment isn’t perhaps so much about connecting—it’s about proving you’re good at sex.

This pursuit of sexual perfection might look like always wanting to impress your partner, trying to ensure they experience pleasure every time, or measuring your worth by how much they desire you. 

But while this type of perfectionism might boost desire in the short term, it can shift sex from an experience of connection to one of performance. Which arguably, might be getting away from what sex is meant to be about; the melding of two (or more) bodies experiencing pleasure together—not performing.

The Dark Side of Performance Pressure

Socially prescribed perfectionism, on the other hand, had a very different outcome. 

Those who felt external pressure to be sexually perfect reported higher levels of sexual distress and lower sexual function. This means more anxiety, more frustration, and sometimes even physical difficulties like painful sex or problems reaching orgasm.

When you’re consumed by thoughts during sex like, “Am I doing this right?” or “Do I look good enough?”, it’s nearly impossible to stay present and enjoy the moment. Instead, your mind is in overdrive, trying to meet invisible standards.

How Perfectionism Can Affect Your Partner

Perfectionism in relationships isn’t just a solo experience—it can spill over and deeply affect your partner, too. Vien’s study found that in heterosexual couples, when men exhibited socially prescribed perfectionism, their female partners often reported higher sexual distress. 

The researchers thought this might be because perfectionism can lead to excessive reassurance-seeking or self-doubt, which may clash with cultural norms that expect men to be confident and in control in the bedroom.

Our culture often places a lot of emphasis on men to be “good” in bed. And in sessions with my clients over the years, I’ve noticed that a lot of the pleasure derived for male clients has to do with being seen as a good performer. 

So is it really any wonder that when they feel pressure from the outside to perform, it affects their female partners, too?

Interestingly, the same effect wasn’t found on male partners, when female partners experienced pressure from society to be perfect sexually. 

However, in my practice I’ve noticed that when women in hetero relationships struggle with sexual difficulties, their male partners sometimes interpret it as a reflection of their own performance.

If she doesn’t lubricate, orgasm, or initiate, it’s not just her experience—it becomes his failure. And this dynamic transforms a shared moment into a personal test.

Put simply; so many of us experience pressure to be good enough during sex, and it can affect our partner, as well.

Sexual Perfectionism: It’s On the Rise

A paper by Curran et al shows that perfectionism—especially socially prescribed perfectionism—is increasing, particularly among younger generations. 

This probably doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Social media, cultural shifts towards individual success, and unrealistic portrayals of sex in porn all contribute to this mounting pressure.

So it’s no wonder that sexual perfectionism is becoming more common. We’re bombarded with messages about the “perfect body,” “perfect sex life,” and “perfect relationship.” And for many, anything less than that feels like a failure. Even though it isn’t(!).

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Real-Life Consequences of Striving for Sex Perfection

Sex perfectionism is exhausting.

It creates a high-pressure environment where sex becomes a performance, not a connection. And when your goal is perfection, it’s easy to lose sight of what really matters—pleasure, intimacy, trust, and fun.

What’s more, perfectionism can lead to emotional disconnect. 

Those with high perfectionist tendencies may avoid vulnerability, struggle with communication, and find it difficult to share insecurities—even with a loving partner.

How to Tackle Perfectionism in Your Sex Life

So what can you do if you recognise yourself (or your partner) in these patterns?

• Identify your perfectionistic beliefs. Write down what you think makes “good sex.” You might be surprised by how long and unrealistic the list is. And this might be enough to help you decide to start to challenge your beliefs.
  
• Talk to your partner. Open communication helps shift the focus from performance to connection. Share your fears, expectations, and insecurities.
  
• Practice self-compassion. Accepting that you’re not perfect doesn’t mean giving up—it means recognising your humanity. You’re allowed to have off days (and months!).
  
• Create space for imperfection. Laugh when things don’t go to plan. Celebrate the awkward moments instead of trying to hide them. They’re part of real intimacy.
  
• Seek professional support. A sex therapist or coach can help you or your relationship move past these perfectionist pressures and towards more fulfilling, real intimacy.

Final Thoughts: Let Go to Let In

Sexual perfectionism is rarely helpful. 

It may start from a desire to be better, to feel worthy, or to connect—but it often ends up doing the opposite; it creates walls where there should be bridges.

At the end of the day, intimacy thrives not when we aim to impress, but when we dare to be present in the moment. No matter what the moment looks like. 

So whether it’s your own expectations or those you’ve absorbed from society, take a step back. Consider if you could try to let go of your perfectionist tendencies and make room for real connection instead.

That’s where the good stuff lives. That’s where passionate sex and deep connection reside. 

And if it feels a little impossible right now to even imagine letting go of the perfectionism—know you’re not alone, and there’s help, if you want it. 

Want help navigating this in your own relationship? My free couples exercise, Dropping Perfectionism in Bed, helps you and your partner move away from perfectionistic ideas about sex—allowing you to let go of expectations and create a more relaxed, connected, and real sexual dynamic. Get your free exercise here.