How To Get Out Of Your Head During Sex So You Can Enjoy The Moment   

5 min read

Sex is all about detaching from the outside world and coming into your body – revelling in the pleasure it provides you. But sometimes, it’s not easy to do that. If you’re wondering how to get out of your head during sex, you might want to consider the big picture. Because being in the moment is about your relationship with pleasure as a whole. 

For some, finding it hard to be present in bed is a direct cause of having low or no sex drive. Or of not enjoying sex at all.

But for others, it isn’t a reflection of the quality of the sex you’re having. It’s a mirror of what your relationship with life is like. 

Experiencing pleasure during sex is connected to how worthy you feel of having a good time. Constantly checking off items in your mental to-do list and chasing one goal after the next – without stopping for pause – doesn’t make for a good sex life.

Here’s the thing though – if you’re the one responsible in your household for fixing packed lunches and doing the laundry – pleasure is, naturally, going to be the last thing on your mind. 

But just because you don’t feel naturally inclined to pleasure – it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a life without pleasurable sex or sex that feels like nothing.

What it does mean, is you have to work on bettering your relationship with pleasure as a whole. That’s the true answer to the question of how to get out of your head during sex.

And to be completely frank with you, no – I don’t mean lathering on some anti-ageing cream and scrubbing your body. Unless that really does it for you, of course! 

What I mean is working on: 

1. How you can deal with the frustration of wanting to be productive and also wanting to experience true pleasure
   
2. Connecting with your body in your day-to-day so it’s easier to connect to it during sex

I know it can be frustrating to hear from a sex therapist that you need to prioritize both your sexual pleasure and pleasure all-around. 

Especially with everything going on in the world, and perhaps, even at home. But I’m not talking 3 hours to yourself every day (even if that would be wonderful, right?). Here’s what I mean.

Here’s how to get out of your head during sex 

Work on your inner conflict between productivity and pleasure

First things first, acknowledge that there likely is, or will come a time, when you feel conflicting feelings about pleasure.

When you notice your mind egging you on to be productive, prioritize pleasure over productivity. 

This could look like noticing when your inner monologue is telling you “you really need to organize those papers” – and choosing to eat that bowl of pasta instead. 

Or when you really want to watch that final episode on Netflix, but your mind is all like “what’s this? I thought we were gonna do the dishes?” you notice your thought, but don’t act on it  – and redirect your attention to the tv-series 

How to get out of your head during sex means noticing every time your mind is trying to urge you to be productive. And instead, choosing to revel in pleasure every time.

And even if the examples above may seem frivolous, once you do this repeatedly, your inner conflict will start to get quiet. Not all of the time (because this is life and not a feel-good movie), but over time, it will become easier for you to be present in all moments of pleasure. Even the sexual ones. 

And this is because your brain has learned to not take notice of Productive Pat, and instead listen to Pleasure Pippa. And if these cheeky names don’t have you convinced – here’s what might. 

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

How we feel about sex and how we feel during sex are the result of other behaviours. Here’s what I mean:

The more you don’t prioritise pleasure, the harder it will be for you to prioritise sex. And the easier it will become to check off yet another item.

And once you have sex, it will be difficult to focus on it.

Because in the back of your mind (the same mind that knows you get things done when it tells you to), you’ll be fretting about the gym clothes you need to pack for the kids or the presentation you need to prep.

In order to be able to get out of your head during sex it’s important to be aware of this inner conflict between productivity and pleasure.

And to practise shifting from your productive tendencies to pleasure – even if it’s just 5% of the time! Every.Time.Counts.

It’s a subtle practice to really lean into and give some time. Because what’s waiting on the other side? Oh boy, sex like you want it to feel – the only kind worth having. 

Practise connecting with your body

How to get out of your head during sex is about the combined effort of working on your relationship with pleasure and connecting with your body. 

When we find it hard to be present in the moment, it’s oftentimes because we’re not used to being in our body. We get caught up in thoughts, worries, and yes – our to-do lists. 

Perhaps you’re a bit of an intellectual, or a perfectionist. Whatever it is – your mind is your go-to, and your body is a second thought. 

In order to really enjoy sex you’ll want to practise getting in contact with the stuff underneath your head: 

• Feeling into your neck and if it’s tense
• Taking a deep breath and feeling the air fill your stomach – not just your lungs
• Noticing the sensations in your genitals

When you practise this kind of contact, it will have ripple-like effects on your sex life. And these will help you enjoy it – not just do it. 

Enjoying sex will get easier

It can sometimes feel hopeless to enjoy sex if we’ve been struggling for months or years. But here’s the thing – once you understand that small changes in the day-to-day can make sex better – things can feel more hopeful.

When you practise connecting with your body, saying bye to Productive Pat and getting on board with Pleasure Pippa, what awaits is glorious sex. The kind that curls your toes and has you gasping with pleasure. Because it’s not just another to-do anymore – it’s a “yes, please, let’s go again!” And that is how to get out of your head during sex.