How to Deal With Sexual Frustration

9 min read

Feeling sexually frustrated? While a common experience, it can be exceedingly hard to deal with.

This is because it often brings up questions that hit us hard. Stuff like “what if I’m no longer attractive?” or “maybe my partner has fallen out of love with me?” or “what’s wrong with me?”.

As a sex therapist and intimacy coach specialising in low and mismatched libidos, I have spoken to many partners over the years who don’t know how to deal with sexual frustration. Be it because of a sexual difficulty they have or because of mismatched desire.

In all honesty – it’s not your fault – you’ve probably never been taught how to deal with your frustration.

In this article, we’re diving into why we feel frustration surrounding sex and what we can do about it when it occurs. Because while the easiest solution would surely be to solve the problem at hand through, for instance, having more sex, we can’t decide over others (nor should we try to). 

This means the way we handle our feelings about the matter can often have the biggest effect on our well-being.

Reasons Why You Feel Sexual Frustration

There are lots of reasons why you might feel on edge when it comes to sex. Some common experiences that cause frustration can be:

Orgasm struggles

Whether you find it difficult to reach orgasm or you come faster than you’d like to – this can be agonising. For a lot of men, orgasms are closely linked to their virility and manhood. For women, not coming can also feel like a letdown, making you feel like you’re lesser than or broken somehow. 

With so many depictions of sex just “working” in mainstream media, it can make you feel alone, and frustrated when things don’t go to plan.

A struggle to get hard or wet

We’ve been taught sexual arousal always happens if we’re in the mood for sex – but this isn’t true. Physiological arousal is complex and sometimes we can be raring to go mentally, yet nothing happens south of our head. 

To add to this frustrating experience, sometimes our partner has an adverse reaction, lashing out in sadness, confusion or anger, which can make it even harder emotionally for us, and cause frustration with our bodies for not doing what we think they should be doing.  

When sex doesn’t feel like much

Sometimes we can be doing all the right things and yet we still don’t feel anything during sex. Or we’re engaging in sex for our partner’s sake and thus not turned on, which makes sex boring or sometimes even painful. 

Nothing is more annoying than when we’re trying all we can to feel pleasure – and we feel like we’re dead on the inside. 

If your partner has low sex drive

One of the most common complaints I get in my job is that someone’s partner or spouse has low libido.

For those in monogamous relationships a difference in levels of desire is almost by default hard to deal with. Because monogamy usually means you can do everything else with anyone else, except sex. So when you can’t come together sexually at the end of the day, frustration can easily build. 

But don’t be fooled – this pent-up irritation doesn’t only have to do with not getting a physical release. There’s nothing dangerous about not having a release when you’re turned on.

One of the biggest reasons why it can be so hard to deal with sexual frustration is because of what we take it to mean. For instance, it can have you questioning: 

• Your relationship as a whole and whether your partner still loves you
  
  
• If you’ve suddenly become “unattractive”
  
  
• If there’s something seriously wrong with you or your partner
  
  
• Whether you should stay together or not

With such deeply emotional questions raised, it’s no wonder it can be hard to handle your frustration.

Because it’s not just about the physical act of sex anymore, it’s about something that potentially affects your entire life. 

If you can’t find a sex partner

While being single has a lot of perks – it also has its downsides, such as sometimes struggling to meet someone to have sex with at all.

This kind of sexual frustration, just like the kind in a committed relationship, is often hard to handle because it affects us at our core. It too can raise questions about our worth as a person and make us question if we’re “a catch” or if we’ll ever meet someone. 

Differing sexual interests in a monogamous relationship

Mismatched libidos aren’t the only cause of sexual annoyance in a relationship – wanting different things in bed can be, too. 

Whether your partner is more of a novelty-seeker than you, or you require more fantasy play than they do, it can be hard to marry your sexual differences. Especially when you simultaneously struggle to talk about them (another common issue I see as a sex therapist). 

When yet another sexual experience ends with you not feeling satisfied because you’re not allowed to be who you truly are sexually – it can be incredibly painful.

My free resource The Guide for Intimacy gives you access to tools that help you increase the shared intimacy in your relationship – with or without sex.

Download the 13-page guide and you also get access to my deeply appreciated, weekly newsletter. You can unsubscribe at any time.

How to deal with sexual frustration in a relationship or marriage

Now you know some common reasons why frustration can occur – let’s dig into what you can do about it if you’re in a long-term relationship. 

Because while it may feel hopeless right now, it doesn’t have to be. 

Address it 

Whether you’re having less sex than you’d like or you’re worried about your faltering erections – the first step is always to talk about it.

If you don’t, you run the risk of your anxieties increasing. This can lead to sadness, anger, and even a less emotionally close relationship over time. 

Tell your partner how you’re feeling. Share with them why this is an important issue for you. This is especially important if you’ve been fighting a lot about sex.

Your partner might feel “all you want is sex” even when it likely isn’t, and them understanding what sex means to you on a deeper level can make all the difference. 

Have a conversation where you don’t place blame. It’s a common pitfall we all fall into sometimes, but it really doesn’t get us anywhere. Particularly because sexual frustration can have us feeling like it’s all our partner’s fault because “if they just X, Y, Z” then I wouldn’t feel this way. 

This thing is – even if that were true – you never want your partner to have sex for your sake. This can make sex a non-consensual experience.

And let’s be honest, sex with someone who doesn’t want it isn’t even satisfying sex anyway, right?

In every relationship there is a dynamic at play, and no one person can be responsible for a dynamic – it literally takes two.

Find other sexual outlets

While obvious, it’s a step not to be missed. Because if you can’t have partner sex and want to stay with your partner, you’ll need another outlet. Even if only for the time-being.

This could look like exploring your sexuality in various ways – mixing up masturbation techniques and fantasies you may use. Even purchasing sex toys so you can play around with different types of stimulation can make solo sex more satisfying in the long run.

This in turn, will ease part of your sexual frustration. 

Tend to your feelings

We’re all responsible for our own feelings (unless we’re in an abusive relationship, of course). 

This means that even if you’re frustrated with your partner – taking it out on them isn’t fair and isn’t going to solve anything. This is especially true if your partner has low libido.

Getting angry with them will likely only push them further away from you and the idea of sex as a whole. 

A huge part of learning how to deal with sexual frustration is learning how to deal with your emotions. Sometimes this is done by tending to the worrying thoughts we have, so we don’t get stuck in a negative thought loop that makes us feel awful and doomed. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a great way of working through your thoughts and beliefs.

Other times this is best dealt with by learning to identify our emotions. The next step is to understand what we need for them to run their course.

If your go-to emotion when being rejected by your partner is anger, see what happens if you sit with that feeling for a bit, instead of acting on it impulsively. Sometimes you might find that underneath the anger is actually a completely different feeling – sadness, or worry. 

Sadness and worry need entirely different things to disappear, compared to anger. 

No matter what feeling you’re feeling – the key is to identify the correct feeling first. Because if you think it’s anger when it’s actually sadness – nothing you do to tend to your anger will allow your body to release the feeling.

If you feel like your sexual frustration is taking a turn for the worse into depression or severe anxiety, seeing a mental health professional is important. Even if there are lots of ways to deal with your emotions, we sometimes simply need outside help. And it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us.

Explore the needs sex fulfils

Part of how to tend to your pent-up frustration about sex is by identifying why sex is important to you. This can be done by getting honest with yourself about why the deeper meaning of sex Because, as with all things sex, it’s often deeper than “it just feels good”. 

If sex is your primary way of feeling loved or validated, it makes sense why not having sex in the ways you’d like, as often as you’d like, or struggling with sexual difficulties, is so hard to handle, right?

Once you know why it’s so important to you, you can use this information to address the issue with your partner.

The more you both understand where the other is coming from – the better the conversation will be. And the closer you’ll be to solving the issue. 

Get professional help from a sex therapist

Sometimes we reach a point where DIYing this kind of thing just isn’t cutting it. 

• Maybe you find yourself stuck in gridlock with your partner, where every conversation turns into a fight.
  
  
• Perhaps things get better for a little while, only to go right back to the way they used to be.
  
  
• Sometimes we’re feeling so sad or frustrated by the situation that it’s affecting our entire relationship, or our mental health, negatively. 

Whatever the reason, getting professional help, whether through 1:1 or 1:2 sessions – or through online workshops and courses, can help make a lasting difference. 

Just as we may see a doctor when we’re sick – sex therapists or coaches can help when we struggle sexually. It’s not weird or wrong to seek help for something so private. And trust me when I say, we’ve heard it all before. 

If you’re ready to bet on your relationship and get rid of your sexual frustration – check out my services here. 

At the end of the day, know you’re not alone in finding it tricky to deal with sexual frustration. Like so many before you, with the right help, it can get so much better. 

Just imagine where you could be in six months if you take action – today.