9 Sex-Therapist-Tips to Get Horny If You’re Lacking Desire

10 minute read

Most articles out there will tell you of the various standard ways to get your desire going. But in this article, you’ll learn how to get horny from a sex therapist and coach specialized in low libido. 

One who knows that it’s not just about what turns you on – but also, about what turns you off. 

Because when you never get horny anymore it can feel like something is horribly wrong. But there likely isn’t – and there’s lots you can do to desire sex again.

Let me show you how. 

The biggest myth about how to get horny

When you haven’t desired sex in a while it can be tempting to turn to the old familiar tips. You know the ones; new positions, scheduling sex, or trying on some sexy lingerie. And while these things certainly can work – they far from often do so on their own if you’re seriously struggling to get horny. 

In fact, quick sex tips such as the above not only might not work – they also fuel disappointment and frustration.

Because if you truly have zero sex drive and haven’t in months or years, trying things that don’t make a dent often leads to hopelessness. 

Now, this doesn’t mean you should never try to infuse a little sexual novelty or prioritise sex by making sure it happens. 

It does however mean you need to focus on two things first:

1. Work out why you have a lack of desire
   
   This will alert you to what you need to change to desire sex. If you skip this step – it’s like taking a stab in the dark.
   
   Because if your low libido is caused for instance by shame surrounding sex, switching birth control likely won’t change things for you in a significant way.  Or if your antidepressants are the culprit, no amount of lube will get you excited about sex again.
   
   Want help doing this? My 10-page free resource, The Desire Test, helps you pinpoint all manner of factors that may be negatively impacting your interest in sex. 
   
   
2. Work on the stuff turning you off as much as the stuff that could turn you on.
   
   When you do this, you come at desire from all angles. Because desire isn’t just a switch you can turn on. It can be blocked by lots of things that kill any chance of cultivating desire, even if you’re doing all the things you “should” be doing. 

Why you struggle to get turned on

There are many reasons why you may be lacking arousal and desire. These range from the biological stuff to various cultural reasons, showing how complex sexual desire really is.

Biological & Medical Reasons

• Diabetes and thyroid issues 
• Hormonal birth control 
• Lack of testosterone
• Certain antidepressant medications

Psychological Reasons

• Feeling unattractive
• General stress in life
• Depression and anxiety
• Struggling to relax and enjoy sex

Relationship Reasons

• Resentment and pent-up emotions
• Emotional disconnect
• An unequal division of labour in the home
• Having sex to avoid conflict

Cultural Reasons

• Comparing your sex life to that of others
• Feeling like you don’t match up to what you see in the media
• Negative messaging about sex during your childhood
• Shame about your turn-ons not being okay

When you take all of the above into account, it quickly becomes clear why simply following a quick tip or two might not always be the solution. 

That being said – after following step 1 – you’ll hopefully be ready for some of the suggestions below. 

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

How to get aroused and feel desire

Here are a few ways to get started to ignite the flame once more.

Connect with your emotions

While your emotions may not seem that important when it comes to getting horny – they actually are. 

If you’re disconnected from your feelings in general, it will be harder to access your feelings of arousal and desire.

Similarly, if you’re used to squashing uncomfortable feelings such as anger and sadness – the same tends to happen.

This is because desire is a part of all of you, and your whole self also affects your levels of desire. To get horny, learn how to connect to your feelings with my free 6-page Manual for Emotions. 

Pay attention to what’s sexy in your day-to-day

While it would be lovely if our desire could strike us like a bolt of lightning – for a lot of people (especially those in long-term relationships), it simply doesn’t. 

It’s also easy to get caught up in our own mind, questioning why we don’t have desire. Therefore to start getting in the mood for sex, pay attention to your surroundings. 

What is attractive to you as you move throughout life? This could be how someone looks, how they smell, but even a story that gets you a little hot and bothered. The more you focus on that which you find sexy – the easier your desire will flow to you. 

Learn how to stop fighting about sex

If you’re in a committed relationship, chances are you have mismatched libidos. Nothing strange there – it’s more common than not. However, just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s frictionless. 

For a lot of couples, discrepant desire turns into arguments. Sometimes even non-sexual conflict about the rubbish bin or cleaning up after dinner can turn into a shouting match about intimacy. 

While fighting isn’t all bad (it can be healthy even!) – repeated arguments about sex do nothing positive for your libido. 

This is why it’s important to learn how to stop fighting about sex and start talking about it more productively. Because once that resentment isn’t in the way anymore – it will be miles easier to want your partner again.

Use your five senses 

When we think about sex we tend to focus on the physical aspect. This makes sense – for many of us that’s one of the defining characteristics of what makes sex, sex. However, sex is about so much more than just our sense of touch and physical pleasure.

It’s also about all of our other senses, and incorporating them into the experience. Just as noticing what’s sexy to you in your day-to-day is a great way to get horny – so is tuning into your sense of sight, hearing, smell, and taste. 

If you can connect with these in a non-sexual, pleasurable way throughout the day – it can decrease stress, and make it easier for you to get into the mood for sex. 

Explore your sexuality

Sex can easily become stale. Especially in long-term relationships, we often end up creating a manuscript of sorts of what sex is, contains, and how it happens. One that can make sex boring and thus kill your motivation and desire to have it the next time.

The fact of the matter is our sexuality changes throughout our lifetime. This means something that might have worked in the past to get us going – now does nothing for us. For instance, perhaps there was a go-to fantasy you had that simply doesn’t do it anymore, or a position you loved. 

Whatever it was and is – when you approach your sexuality from an exploratory stance, you can begin to notice what does work for you now, as opposed to trying to relive what used to work and getting nowhere. 

In fact, research shows that the more flexible we can be in our relationship in regard to sex, the more sexual well-being we might be able to create. 

This is also clear to me in practice as a sex therapist – the less rigid a couple is when it comes to sex (how and where it happens and what constitutes sex), the better the sex life and relationship. 

This can be done in lots of ways, for instance, one popular way is by stimulating your brain sexually. 

Stimulate your brain

When exploring your turn-ons, you’ll want to check out various mediums to see which fits you the best. Nowadays there’s lots to choose from, from apps like Dipsea that offer audio porn, to written erotic fiction (both free and paid online), to visual porn. 

The key here is to get curious and see what floats your boat. And if you don’t want to use anything to stimulate your mind, see where your fantasy takes you. Perhaps by thinking back to a hot memory from your past. 

Tell your partner what you want

While it may be awkward, talking about sex is often a crucial step in getting your desire and arousal back. 

This is especially true if sex feels awkward or there’s something you want or need that you’re not getting in the bedroom. 

If you haven’t had sex in a long time it can make talking about it feel even harder. But a conversation about all the sex you’re not having (and how you want to change that), can be a great ice-breaker. 

And when we can get vulnerable in this way with our partner, it can open us up to even better sex. Some ways to broach the conversation might be:

•  “Hey, I’d love to talk to you about something that makes me a bit nervous, so it would be great to get your undivided attention”
  
• “This feel a bit awkward to bring up but I’ve noticed lately I just don’t get horny like I used to”

Redefine what sex means

If you’re struggling to get in the mood for sexual intimacy – you’re likely simultaneously feeling pressure surrounding sex.  A good way to reduce these negative feelings are to redefine what sex is and can be. 

In session with my clients I usually refer to this as taking “bites of sex”, instead of going for the whole meal at once. Essentially this means looking at anything you and your partner could be doing that’s sensual or sexual – as sex. 

When you do this you instantly feel more relieved because the goal post is a whole lot closer. You’re also easing yourself into sex in a gentler way, which makes a huge difference if you’ve not had sex in ages. 

Connect with your partner

If you’re feeling emotionally disconnected from your partner, this could be impacting your desire negatively. Not to mention how it impacts your relationship as a whole!

Not everyone needs emotional connection to want sexual connection, but if you’re someone who does, this is a good area to focus on. Some simple ways are:

• Scheduling a date night where you talk about things other than practicalities 
• Making time for a cup of coffee in the morning together, even if only for five minutes
• Trying a couples exercise to facilitate emotional connection, such as my free, 14-page Intimate Q&A Guide. 

When to see a sex therapist or coach

Sometimes we can do all of the above and still feel like nothing moves the needle. We might even feel so overwhelmed by the sheer number of things we could do and try, that we do nothing. 

This might be especially true if you’ve been struggling with mismatched libidos for a long time and it’s taking a toll on your relationship or marriage.

Sex therapists and coaches can help you get out of the slump and get horny again. Even if it’s been years and years since you last had sex (or sex on your terms). 

That being said, it can feel daunting to seek professional help. Particularly for something as private as sex. For this reason alone, it can be comforting to know that seeing a sex therapist doesn’t have to involve face-to-face sessions (or even your partner accompanying you). 

Here are some ways you can work with a sex therapist: 

• In practice sessions at a sex therapist’s office
• Virtual individual or couples’ sessions
• Online programs and courses (either self-guided or with added 1:1 support)
• Workshops and stand-alone exercises on how to get your sex drive back

The most important thing to take into consideration when you’re struggling is that the sooner you seek help and make a change – the sooner you’ll be out on the other side, enjoying intimacy and sex. 

While this may be obvious, research has shown that we tend to avoid seeking help for as long as we can, creating unnecessary suffering, and also lowering our chances of fixing things when we eventually do get help. 

On average, couples wait six years before getting help. This doesn’t have to be you.

If you’re ready to take the plunge and follow a structured process for getting horny and aroused again (created by a sex therapist specialized in low desire) – I have lots of options for you over here. 

And whether you make a change today, tomorrow, or next month – please know this; change is possible, even when it feels like it isn’t. You can learn how to get turned on again.