Updated 1st July, 2024. First published 27th October, 2020.
As a sex therapist who specializes in helping people with mismatched levels of desire in their relationships, I’m constantly hearing things like, “My boyfriend’s sex drive has suddenly decreased,” or “My wife used to be interested in sex, but lately she hasn’t been.” Many people seek out advice on how to deal with a partner with low libido.
The fact of the matter is, a decrease in desire for one partner – is common. But even if it’s not unusual – it can spark painful questions like “Why doesn’t my partner want me anymore – what’s wrong with me?” and “Why is my sex drive so high compared to my partner’s?”.
A lot of times, this decrease isn’t actually something you need to worry about. For most people, libido naturally ebbs and flows (even if yours might not ebb as much). This means your partner’s sex drive might soon come back on its own.
However, in the meantime, learning to deal with your emotions and thoughts about the situation at hand, is important. Below you’ll find three strategies on how to deal with a partner with low libido and, hopefully, feel better about it.
When you’re not having sex, and you’re not talking about the not-having-it, it’s easy to get caught up in your own feelings.
You start to question yourself; perhaps you’re bad in bed? Or maybe your partner has fallen out of love with you.
Understandably, these thoughts induce stress, and if left to simmer on their own, you risk projecting them on your partner and possibly turning them from thoughts into truths.
All of a sudden, situations that are completely non-sexual start to turn into opportunities to offload your sexual frustration.
Perhaps you lash out when it comes to things like who took out the rubbish yesterday or whose turn it is to pick up the kids.
To top it off, animosity starts to build. Not only are you arguing a lot – each time you approach your partner for a little bit of closeness (sexual or otherwise) they pull away instantly.
Rejection hurts. It picks away at your self-esteem and can leave you feeling like everything’s wrong.
It’s easy to see how this turns into a vicious cycle, quickly pushing you further and further away from sex – the very thing you so desperately want.
The quickest route to feeling better and getting rid of your worrying thoughts is – through communication.
In my free resource Talking Sex, I offer tools on how to avoid misunderstandings and conflict surrounding sex. I also offer an exercise on getting in touch with your own emotions (so you can communicate them in a non-aggressive way – thus cutting out the conflict).
Your partner’s lack of libido probably has to do with lots of things. Sexual desire is complex, and if you’ve followed my work for a while now, you’ll likely have an idea of things that might be affecting their desire negatively.
Stress, fatigue, past trauma, and shame or embarrassment about sex, are all examples of causes of low libido in men and causes of low libido in women. While there’s still little in the way of research for people who identify elsewhere on the gender spectrum, it’s safe to assume the causes are similar.
All this to say – their libido might not be about you at all – but about how they’re feeling in general or things they’ve been through before.
However, sometimes sex drive does decrease because of something our partner does, says or – doesn’t say or do.
Perhaps your partner doesn’t feel like having sex because there’s something they want in bed that they haven’t communicated. And because of the lack of communication about what turns them on and how they experience pleasure – their libido decreases naturally.
Sex drive needs an incentive to show up and good sex is just that kind of incentive. Unsatisfying sex, not so much.
The thing is, you can’t be a good sex partner if you don’t know what your partner wants.
Learning how to talk about sex with your partner – even if it feels embarrassing, is the only way to get to know what the other person desires.
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
We can’t directly change our partner’s appetite for sex. This is something they need to want to do and work on themselves.
However, in the meantime, there are a lot of things that can help you deal with your partner’s lack of libido.
One way is challenging your own thoughts about sex and desire.
When you do this, you get a chance to reflect on your own feelings and thoughts – which can lead to less frustration and more peace.
The following prompts below are examples of unrealistic expectations about sex in relationships. We often don’t choose these ideas – rather, they are thrust upon us by various media.
The only way of acknowledging their impact is through reflection.
Take a few minutes and reflect on the following ideas.
There’s something biologically wrong with the partner who doesn’t want sex as often as the other one.
Is this belief true? How does believing in it make you feel?
There’s something wrong with the relationship or marriage if you don’t want to have sex frequently.
Is this true? What happens if you choose not to believe this?
Sex is the best, and perhaps only way, of showing your attraction and love for your partner
What are some other ways you can show love and attraction?
Your partner’s lack of libido is probably caused by lots of things; stress, shame, and feeling unattractive, are common reasons for low sex drive.
If you give it some time, you might find their sex drive comes back.
However, it’s still important to find temporary relief and learn how to deal with a partner with low libido, which can be done by challenging your expectations of sex, trying to not take their low libido personally, and talking about the situation.
Because while it may not always be like this – this is where you are right now.
And if you learn how to deal with your feelings about the situation while also communicating openly together, you’ll be able to create the kind of sex life you both want. One that leaves you feeling loved up and giddy – the way you both deserve to feel.
Good luck!
You’re not alone! Download the 10-page Desire Test to find out why your desire for sex is gone (and what to do about it).
Questions based on a variety of factors proven to negatively affect desire
Find out which factors are responsible for your low or non-existent sex drive
Get instant access to expert advice, delivered directly to your inbox when you download The Desire Test. Unsubscribe anytime.
WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE DESIRE TEST?
With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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