First published 21st February, 2023. Updated 4th October, 2024.
10 minute read
When you feel like your partner is demanding sex all the time, it can lead to all kinds of stress and relationship insecurity. In fact, sexually demanding husbands, wives, and partners can sometimes have their other half wondering why they even stay in the relationship at all.
The truth is – there are reasons your partner is sexually demanding. And it may not be what you think.
In all my years as a sex coach and therapist, I’ve learned that It’s a matter of details and nuance – and the spectrum of sexually demanding to sexual rejection is often more complicated than we think.
Luckily, I’m here to provide you with practical strategies on how to handle a sexually demanding husband, wife or partner.
Underneath the constant asking for sex – there are usually two core things going on.
Just as with food – we all have different preferences when it comes to sex. Maybe one of you is ravenous in the morning while the other doesn’t really feel like eating until well after lunch. This is purely a timing mismatch – and it can come across in a confusing way. Perhaps making you feel you’re completely sexually incompatible (when that might not actually be the case).
You may also want different amounts of sex in your life. Just like with food – one of you might love a good hearty meal every time you sit down for dinner, while the other prefers to eat something small.
The important thing to know? There is nothing inherently wrong (or right) with either appetite.
This means your partner’s wanting for sex isn’t inherently sexually demanding. However, it becomes demanding when other things are thrown into the mix.
For instance, if the ways they ask for sex feel pressuring or you’re showered with guilt when you say no – it’s no longer simply about sexual appetite.
This can have the partner who wants less sex feel like your partner is asking for sex all of the (damn) time. However, they don’t always want sex – they just keep hoping you’ll say yes at least some of those times.
When their sexual affection needs aren’t being met – they may feel they need to increase the number of times they initiate sex – in order to get that loving validation from you.
In this instance – we’re talking about a communication and a love language difference.
When you can see it that way, you start to dismantle the barriers between you and your partner. The ones that have you drawing all sorts of (possibly) unfair conclusions about your partner’s sexual needs.
Different levels of desire tend to wreak havoc on both partners in the relationship. For the partner with low desire – it might feel like your partner is sexually demanding and all they ever want is sex.
For the person with more desire – it might feel like your partner has fallen out of love with you, or you’ve somehow become unattractive to them.
And this, understandably, creates a lot of emotional turmoil, pain and frustration on both ends.
While it’s natural to jump to conclusions in situations like these – going down this route usually doesn’t solve anything. And worse – it may lead to an otherwise great relationship ending based on unexamined grounds.
Ones that could be changed had you given them a chance.
What I see in my practice is; that when left unacknowledged, one person who wants sex and one who doesn’t – easily turns from situational into a cemented pattern. And often, an unhealthy one at that. This is known as the pursuer-distancer pattern.
When you’re locked in this dynamic – you both struggle to deal with your mismatched libidos and the toll they’re taking on your relationship.
The longer this pattern lingers – the harder it is to overcome it.
You fall deeper and deeper into your ingrained patterns – your partner pursues, you withdraw – and it goes on and on, creating a chasm between you.
This also not only decreases the opportunity to have sex – but also the opportunity to feel close. Resentment builds and you suddenly find yourselves feeling less like lovers and more like acquaintances.
Instead of following each other’s lead by leaning into kisses or following each other to bed – you start to anticipate the negative reaction and avoid or confront the other (depending on your personality).
All of this is part of the pursuer-distancer pattern and when you’re caught up in it – recognizing it is one of the first steps towards reducing its impact on your relationship. So you can move away from feeling like you have a sexually demanding husband, wife, or partner – and start to enjoy one another again.
My free resource The Guide for Intimacy gives you access to tools that help you increase the shared intimacy in your relationship – with or without sex.
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Because rejection is a universal emotion. And one that aches.
When you feel it – the sting can impact you in different ways. And some of these may be connected to your gender.
When a husband rejects his wife sexually, it can make a wife feel like there’s something wrong with her husband. Oftentimes these fears stem from sexual stereotypes about men, such as them being the “natural” sexual aggressors. Or wanting to have sex all of the time.
This means – if he’s rejecting you, perhaps his hormones are unbalanced or, worse yet, you’re not as attractive as you once were?
Furthermore, when your partner can’t get and sustain an erection the way they used to, this is commonly misinterpreted as something physiologically wrong.
The truth is though, there may be many reasons (not all of which are biological) for the cause.
When a wife rejects her husband, he may worry that the marriage is over or the relationship is doomed – because why else would she not want sex? Perhaps he’s not “manly enough”? Or she’s started having an affair – because why else would she not want to have sex with you?
In same-sex relationships – rejection centres around the same themes.
When a wife rejects a wife sexually, it can sometimes cause added worries about being headed toward “lesbian bed death“. This is a kind of mythical phenomenon that in many ways is based on our misconceptions about women not being inherently sexual.
So – whether you see yourself in the examples above or not, the truth is, even in the face of gendered assumptions – anyone in any romantic relationship faced with sexual rejection feels hurt – regardless of their gender or sexual orientation.
Despite the pain rejection causes – sometimes, rejection only seems to increase sexually demanding behaviours.
For some people, they ask again and again. No matter how many times you try to show (or tell) them, you’re not interested.
They do this in order to get the validation they so desperately need. The kind that shows them best your relationship isn’t in danger and that you do, in fact, love them.
On the other side of the coin, for some, the experience of being sexually rejected is so painful that they’re committed to never, ever experiencing it again. The only way to ensure this, is to never try to initiate again after rejection.
As you’ve gathered from getting this far – you can’t figure out how to handle a sexually demanding husband, wife or partner without talking about it. Even if that idea is tempting, for sure!
Here are a few key rules in order to ensure the conversation flows as smoothly as possible:
When you bring up that your partner is sexually demanding and you’re experiencing pressure or stress – make sure to avoid doing this from a place of critique. If not, your partner will become naturally defensive – making it harder for them to listen.
And when we’re in defensive mode – all we can think of is how to defend ourselves and our behaviours. Perhaps even by putting the blame on our partner(!). Even if it’s not the right thing to do in the moment.
Start off by sharing how you feel about what’s going on, using “I” statements – not “You” statements.
This sounds like: “I feel sad when…” or “I’ve noticed I get angry when…” This – again – reduces defensiveness and emphasizes how you both feel as opposed to how your partner is getting everything wrong.
Once you’ve put your experience and feelings into words, it’s important to assume part of the responsibility. Not because you’re solely responsible for your partner and them asking for sex – but because it takes two to tango here.
Your partner’s behaviours aren’t simply innate, they’re a reaction to your actions – and vice versa.
When you assume part of the responsibility – their defensiveness further decreases – leaving the opportunity for a really good, productive conversation. One that leads to more love and less conflict.
An important caveat to mention here is that if you’re in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, you never bear any responsibility for your partner’s abusive behaviours. The above is only true if you’re in an otherwise healthy relationship.
See if you both can try to summarize what the other has said. This looks like saying:
“So you’re saying when I come in to kiss you in bed and you’re watching something on your phone, you feel pressure and guilt because it feels like I haven’t heard you in the past when you’ve said this isn’t a good way to initiate”
Or:
“You feel unloved and sad when I pull away from your kisses which is why you keep going in for them hoping I will kiss you back one day and make you feel loved again”.
When you summarize what your partner has shared with you it does two things:
Finally, discuss what you want to do about the situation. It’s okay if you don’t have the answers or if none of you do. But the only way you’ll take a step in the right direction is by brainstorming together.
Practising communicating with your partner in this way empowers both of you to be responsible for your role in the pursuer-distancer dynamic. And ultimately it is the way out of this kind of incessant pattern.
The truth of the matter is – in most relationships, it’s not a question of if – it’s a question of when. When you will want sex less than your partner – and vice versa.
However, when your mismatched libidos become more than a temporary mismatch and you move into the territory of a sexually demanding husband, wife, or partner – and a partner who is completely turned off – it’s important to course correct as soon as you can.
The sooner – the closer you are to a truly close and passionate relationship. One that creates security and validation, as opposed to fear and pain.
One that you can come home to at the end of the day and sink into comfortably. The way it used to be.
If you want the help of a qualified sex coach and sex therapist getting there – my online sex drive course might be just what you need. With 8+ years of experience specializing in low and mismatched libidos, I’ve created a 5-phase path that helps you have more and better sex – on your terms. Learn more about creating stress-free sex and intimacy here.
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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