13 minute read
Experiencing a loss of sexual attraction in your relationship? You’re not alone. One of the most common causes of stress for people in relationships (and why they reach out to me for help), is feeling like; “I’m not sexually attracted to my partner but I’m attracted to others”. And this statement alone usually brings up a lot of worrisome questions and fears.
But, is it a sign something terrible is on the horizon?
Not necessarily – even when you’re attracted to other people but not sexually attracted to your partner.
While a loss of attraction can feel like your relationship is doomed – it doesn’t have to be – it just means you have some work to do.
Because it’s when desire for other people moves into action – that you might have a potential problem on your hands. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, that is.
So, if you’re feeling antsy about the lack of sexual attraction and want to know what you can do about it – let’s dive in and get this sex therapists take on a common, but concerning, issue.
When it comes to physical attraction, for many people, the sparks that flew at the beginning of a relationship change over time.
As you get to know your partner and move from the infatuation phase to the secure phase of attachment – the hormonal cocktail that made you feel hot and bothered all the time – changes. And most often, dies down a bit.
This isn’t a problem. But is it disappointing? Yes, it can be. But it’s actually a good sign – because it means there are other things in your relationship keeping you together – beyond the intense feeling of being attracted to your partner.
It’s a sign you’ve reached that deep love. The stuff people long for. The stuff that makes people feel whole. The stuff that gives life meaning.
The question of whether a relationship can work when there’s no physical attraction is a complicated one – because it depends on a few different factors. But the short answer is yes, it can.
For some people, sex and attraction isn’t as important as other variables in the relationship.
People who feel this way may identify as asexual or simply as having low desire or no sex drive. If this sounds like you, you may feel other parts of your relationship are significantly more important than sex itself. In this case, physical attraction doesn’t matter as much as building a life together.
In other relationships, sex used to be important and has, for whatever reason, become less important over time.
And when this happens it can cause great stress. Because surely it must mean something when sex goes from important I-need-to-have-you-now feelings and veers into i-love-you-but-no-thanks-territory?
And when the sex dies down and you feel a whole lot of nothing sexually – it can feel bothersome as attraction is important to you (and possibly your partner too), to sustain your relationship.
The mere fact of having less interest in sex can sound alarm bells within you. In cases like this, the loss of physical attraction to your partner is something to dive into within yourself. And possibly something to address with your partner too (but we’ll get to that in a minute).
For some, it’s not so much that you’ve lost your sexual attraction to your partner – it’s that you were never attracted to them to begin with. And that worked in the beginning as you were (and still are) deeply attached to your partner on emotionally. But now it sets off worry and anxiety within you.
Because is it even possible to create sexual attraction this deep into a relationship? And would you even know where to begin?
If you’re in boat two or three – it’s important to ask yourself if you are willing to do the work to go from not feeling sexually attracted to becoming attracted to your partner.
Because you can turn things around.
After my years in the field, my general philosophy as both a sex therapist and sex coach is this: if you’ve ever felt physical attraction to your partner (even years ago) – you can get that back.
It might not always be the easiest thing in the world – but it’s possible.
And if you’re in the first boat, where you’ve never felt physical attraction to your partner and want to develop that in your relationship, there are things you can do, too.
All in all, the good news is that wherever you’re starting from, if you’re motivated by interest and attention – there are many things you can do to explore growing your attraction to your partner.
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
The truth is: it’s different for different people. Many relationships start off with lots of physical and sexual attraction and lots of hot and heavy sex.
For these couples, the reduction in sexual desire is often just the natural progression of moving from the infatuation phase into the attachment phase.
But, for other people, it’s not just moving through those phases – especially if the sex has all but stopped entirely.
Their loss of sexual attraction has more to do with things like:
And oftentimes – it’s a slow decline into the roommate stage of relationships. The stage where couples start to feel super comfortable with each other, perhaps sometimes a little too comfortable.
And this deep sense of security and attachment in their committed relationship causes them to feel like they no longer need to make an effort.
Whether the effort is about scintillating conversation, making themselves look attractive, or simply investing time into their partnership.
Then there are the things like arguments and differences that only come to light after you’ve been together a while. This might be disagreement on big decisions like having children together or taking on caregiving responsibilities for other people in your life.
Finally, life events can also have a big impact on sexual attraction. As you’re dealing with other stressors in life; deadlines at work, or picking up after your toddler (or teenager!), sexual attraction and romance gets put on the back burner. Because there’s so much else to tend to.
To put it mildly – there are many factors involved that lead to feeling less attraction to your partner.
And this is why it’s important not to jump to conclusions. Because it may not be a sign anything is wrong.
What it’s really telling you is you need to put some more energy and attention back into your relationship and remind yourself of why you chose your partner to begin with.
Yes (cue; sigh of relief!).
The thing to understand about attraction is that, like most things in our lives, it can come and go. So even if you lose it – it doesn’t have to mean anything. And when it comes back, it’s not actually strange or all that surprising.
Perhaps you’ve had a lovely weekend away together, or you were at a party together and you noticed your partner working the room, making people laugh. What you experienced with your partner and how you looked at them, created an Intense sense of sexual attraction again. And this means if it wanes again – you know it can come back.
It’s important to know that for most people, attraction naturally decreases in intensity due to the various phases we move through as relationships grow.
First, we’re infatuated, then we feel “in love”, and then, we become attached.
One caveat to this though is that for some people, attraction doesn’t wane over time.
Instead, what actually happens is that the attachment phase ushers in those sexual butterflies – not the attraction phase.
If this sounds like you, then you might very well identify as being demisexual. Demisexual is part of the asexuality spectrum where you don’t feel sexual attraction to others. That is unless you’re in love and are in that attachment phase.
Well, the answer does vary, but a good place to start is with understanding how it sometimes actually has less to do with your partner – and more to do with the newness of it all.
And it’s this concept of “novelty” – that draws our attention to the difference between now and then in our relationship. Offering clues as to why the attraction has waned, and how to recapture it again.
In the beginning – we had to work hard to capture our new partner’s attention. Sure, it might not have felt like work, but compare then to now and you’ll see how big the differences are.
If you’ve been together for years (or even decades) and can quite happily slump down on the sofa in your sweats, scrolling social media in one hand and grunting “hi” to your partner. When trying to get your partner’s attention, that’s probably the opposite of what you did at the beginning, right?
In the dating phase, you’re usually more diligent about being really lovely; asking questions, being polite and all of the other little things you do early on in a romantic relationship when you’re putting your best foot forward to impress someone.
And as you fall deeper in love and that magic dust settles – it’s easy to forget to do the little things. The stuff that meant so much early on.
We forget to treat our partner as if they’re the most interesting person in the whole world. Something we probably thought they were at the beginning.
So ask yourself – has this really changed? Are they still not interesting and captivating like they used to be? And what would it be like to turn your attention to that instead of them forgetting to put on a load of laundry?
When you’re in the thick of things and your day-to-day life feels mundane – juxtapose that to the newness you might feel when you’re attracted to someone else and notice how that attraction instantly feels less threatening. Because the newness factor that kickstarted the sexual attraction to your current partner – can also cause you to feel attracted to others.
Sometimes, you may feel attracted to others because there’s something lacking in your current relationship. Something you’re just not getting from your partner. It could be emotionally, physically, sexually, or otherwise.
When the attraction to someone else bubbles up inside of you, it very easily highlights what’s not working in your current relationship. Subsequently, your attraction to your partner is affected – because all of a sudden it’s plain as day they’re not fulfilling those same needs.
But really, all this is telling you is that there are things missing. Stuff you want to bring to life in your current relationship.
Equally so, those same “new” activities or experiences – may be able to be fulfilled in other relationships in your life. And no, I’m not referring to the extramarital kind here.
What if you love football but your partner can hardly follow the ball on the screen, let alone join in on your enthusiasm when a goal is scored? Could watching it with your best friend or sibling fulfill your needs here instead of your partner?
Because the thing is – it’s unlikely that your partner could meet all of your needs. And if you’re being completely honest with yourself – you probably can’t meet all of their needs either, right?
When you’re attracted to someone else, and you don’t know them that well – take into consideration the comparison you’re making.
Because this sexual attraction comes from the novelty. and that will never feel exactly the same as a relationship steeped in deep history and significance.
It’s not as easy and straightforward the same way it is with someone new.
History makes things complex. It clouds simple attraction. But this doesn’t mean you can’t still experience attraction at all.
Therefore, as you consider why your physical attraction to your partner is missing, it’s important to really consider the full picture of your relationship and what your history means to you.
It’s not uncommon to feel like you’re less attracted to your partner because you feel like they’re “let themselves go”.
This can take on many forms – not just the obvious ones around how your partner looks. When someone has stopped caring for themselves or taken on lifestyle choices that cause you to worry about them – it causes worry. You may feel concerned that your partner isn’t able to bounce back to the person you fell in love with.
So while it may seem like the changes to their physical appearance are the big issue here – sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it actually has more to do with what their physical changes signal to you.
Perhaps they tell a story of your partner no longer prioritizing you. No longer caring about what you need to get turned on. No longer investing in their health and therefore no longer investing in the longevity of your life together.
If those are the things going on underneath the surface – it makes a lot of sense why you don’t feel physical attraction any more.
There are lots of things – first things first:
At the end of the day, what I hope you take away from this article – is that your level of sexual attraction or attraction to other people – doesn’t mean you’re at the end of your relationship.
All it’s telling you – is that there are things you need to work on. And it’s work that is highly doable! Take it from a sex therapist specialized in low sexual desire and mismatched libidos – things can get better. So, so much better.
And as with all tricky matters – if you’re not able to resolve this or kickstart desire on your own, you can always enlist the help of a professional. We can help you tease apart what is going on and most importantly – what you can do about it.
Sexual attraction is one big signal that’s easy to pay attention to – especially when you’re attracted to other people. But, it’s not always a negative thing.
For many couples, this awareness acts like a warning sign that something you have held so dear is in trouble.
And with some help, attention and time – your relationship can heal and return to the place it once was, or grow into something you never could have imagined to begin with. Throwing your worries and anxieties screaming “I’m not sexually attracted to my partner”, to the wind. And instead…
Leading to a relationship where you can feel weak at the knees on a regular Tuesday at home. A bond that nourishes your soul – and that kickstarts that fire within.
Want some of this for yourself? Apply to work with me in my 1:1 support program Re:Desire here.
You’re not alone! Download the 10-page Desire Test to find out why your desire for sex is gone (and what to do about it).
Questions based on a variety of factors proven to negatively affect desire
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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