Originally posted 4th of June, 2019. Updated 25th April , 2020.
One of the most common subjects I’m asked about as a sex therapist is sex drive. People want to know how they can increase it, and just what the heck is going on when their sex drive has suddenly vanished. So if you’re sitting there right now thinking, “my sex drive has disappeared – please tell me what I can do about it!” – this one’s for you.
We usually think of libido as a basic hormonal drive. But libido is actually a lot more complicated than that. It consists of and is affected by biological, psychological, relational and cultural factors.
This basically means your sex drive is about a whole lot more than your raging hormones (or the lack thereof!).
It’s also affected by things like:
how you feel on a day to day basis,
attraction,
stress,
your environment,
illnesses,
how you feel about your partner (if you’re in a relationship).
Even ideas such as how you think sexual desire is meant to work in a long-term relationship, how ”real” men or ”real” women should act, or what you’re meant to get off to, can affect your sex drive negatively.
When you lose your sexual spark it can be a cause for concern. Perhaps you worry you’ve fallen out of love or that there’s something very wrong with you, why would you otherwise not want to have sex anymore?
You might even worry your partner will leave you if you don’t get your sex drive back, because you know they’ve been feeling unwanted in your relationship for some time.
Because of the distress this causes, it’s common to focus all of your attention on how to get your libido back, before you even truly understand why it’s gone in the first place. But if you don’t know why your appetite for sex is gone – you can’t know what you need to ignite it again
This usually leads you to testing all kinds of things – perhaps something you overheard in a podcast or a strategy your best friend implored that worked really well.
A common strategy to try is to schedule sex dates.
And for some, this is exactly what you need to get your sex drive back. But for others – it can turn an already low libido into a non-existent one.
Knowing you’re meant to have sex on a Wednesday at nine-thirty in the evening can make sex feel like a stressful chore. And when you feel pressured to go through with it, it impedes your libido – which was the exact opposite of the goal you had in mind!
When you understand why your libido is low – you’ll also know which areas you need to work on to increase your desire and will spare yourself the heartache of trying and failing.
To gauge what’s going on and why your libido is low, use the prompts below.
My hope is they’ll answer your questions and you won’t have to google “my sex drive has disappeared” at three o’clock in the morning again any time soon.
Have there been any major life changes that could have impacted your desire negatively? For example:
You’ve started a new form of birth control
You’ve started medicating for depression and/or anxiety
You lead a stressful life
You feel less attractive/unattractive
You feel low or depressed
You and your partner are increasingly more irritable with one another
You and your partner have stopped touching each other lovingly
If masturbation is something you still engage in regularly it could point to your low libido having to do with your relationship or your partner.
On the other hand, masturbation isn’t always a sexual activity.
It can be a way of releasing stress or making it easier to fall asleep.
It can also be a fun, stress-free way of connecting with yourself and living out a fantasy that perhaps your partner doesn’t like.
What is sex with yourself about for you?
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
When you’re wondering “why has my sex drive disappeared”, it’s also important to address stress surrounding sex.
When you haven’t had sex in a while it’s not uncommon to get stuck in negative thoughts about your desire, your relationship or your partner.
These thoughts can be triggered when your partner approaches you for a hug or wants to give you a kiss.
You might freeze to stone, or try and remove yourself from the situation, because sex is the last thing on your mind.
And you really don’t want to have to say no or pretend to not notice what your partner wants, again.
Negative thoughts or anxiety about sex are, unfortunately, not unusual. And they are often one of the causes of low libido, or a factor that decreases an already low sex drive.
As a sex therapist, I regularly address how to talk about sex, no matter what the presenting sexual difficulty is. When your partner wants to have sex more often than you – this can turn sex into a chore – and a stressful one at that.
Having mismatched libidos is completely normal, but if you can’t talk about sex, it can take a toll on your relationship, and lower your sex drive even further.
Conversations about sex can be difficult as sex is such a sensitive subject.
We’re nervous about talking about what we want (or don’t want).
We’re worried we might hurt our partner’s feelings.
We’re feel shame bringing up the subject because we don’t know when we’ll feel like having sex again.
If this is you, I want you to know you’re not alone. But it’s important to have the conversation anyway, as doing this will help buffer against relationship conflict about sex. This actionable blog post on how to talk about sex with your partner will help you do just that (even if you’re feeling “iffy” about the conversation).
There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with you, your partner(s) or your relationship, if you don’t feel like sex.
If you’re fine with not having sex for the time being – perhaps it’s something you don’t have to actively work to change?
If you feel like you definitely should want to have sex more often, try and understand why you feel this way. Is it because your partner wants to have more sex? Or perhaps because all of your friends seem to have an active sex life?
Ideals about sex and sexuality affect all us deeply, and sometimes they’re the sole reason we feel bad about our low sex drive. Other times our desire to feel more desire again has even deeper roots – such as sex being an important part of our identity or our relationship(s)
Sex can make you feel more alive – more passionate about life.
Sex can be the glue that holds you and your partner together.
Sex can be a beautiful way of coming together at the end of a long day and solidifying your love for one another.
Whatever sex means to you, by having answered the prompts above, you’ll hopefully have some answers to the question “my sex drive has disappeared – how can I get it back?”.
If you’d like more help understanding your sex drive, you can use my free resource; The Desire Test. By using sexological science and professional experience, I’ve created a test that helps you get to the bottom of low libido.
Originally posted on my Swedish website www.sexologkliniken.com
You’re not alone! Download the 10-page Desire Test to find out why your desire for sex is gone (and what to do about it).
Questions based on a variety of factors proven to negatively affect desire
Find out which factors are responsible for your low or non-existent sex drive
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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