Understanding Erotophobia & The Fear Of Sex

9 minute read

Fear surrounding sex can be debilitating and might just have you wondering whether you have Erotophobia.

When just the thought of having sex with your partner sets off alarm bells within your body – it can feel like things will never change and like there’s something seriously wrong.

For some, there’s a generalized anxiety about sex that’s developed over time. Perhaps you and your partner have mismatched libidos and you’ve struggled to get on the same page about sex. As time passes, the low libido partner might start to avoid sex entirely, because they feel pressured to want sex as much as their partner.

For others it’s more than that awful anxiety or aversion – it’s an actual phobia called Erotophobia.

If you’re wondering what Erotophobia is, how to treat Erotophobia and whether that’s actually what’s going on for you – this article will give you some much-needed answers. And hopefully – some hope that things can and will get better with the right help.

What is Erotophobia?

Erotophobia is a clinical diagnosis that falls under the diagnosis “Specific Phobia” in the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Diagnoses). This is the textbook sex therapists use to help understand and treat various mental health conditions and sexual difficulties.

It is a specific phobia related to sex that can either be generalized or specific. It encompasses psychological, physical and emotional fears surrounding sex.

• For instance, some people might be afraid of everything to do with sex – watching sex scenes on TV, an intense kiss with their partner, or even conversations about sex can all lead to a strong fear response.
  
• For others it’s a more specific form of fear – for instance a fear of vaginal penetration or being scared of emotional intimacy.

To establish if it is Erotophobia and not something else, the fear around sex has to persist for longer than 6 months.

Erotophobia is a difficulty that can show up both in partnered sex and solo sex.

This means you may struggle to have, or even want sex with your partner, but you might also struggle with things such as masturbation or simply touching your genitals.

For some single people – Erotophobia can make finding and establishing a romantic partnership tricky. This is because sexual relationships are often expected, (but not always) as a part of a romantic, intimate relationship. At least as seen by society’s standards (which affect all of us to more or less of a degree).

While Erotophobia may seem straight-forward, it can sometimes be mistaken for other diagnoses. For instance, it’s not uncommon to experience non-existent desire or to have developed an aversion to sex within your relationship, however that aversion might not be phobia-like.

There’s a big difference between a sexual desire disorder and Erotophobia, and getting the correct diagnosis also informs what help is needed. Without the right help you run the risk of not being able to move forward.  

How does Erotophobia show up?

The symptoms of Erotophobia depend on whether it’s generalized or specific. This means you might find yourself only afraid of one specific aspect regarding sex. But you could also find that everything about sex scares you, too.

Some of these symptoms include:

• Having a negative relationship with sex and a negative attitude to everything sex-related
  
  
• Avoiding everything to do with sex or avoiding a specific sexual activity such as oral sex or vaginal penetration
  
  
• A fear of being naked in front of your partner (or anyone)
  
  
• Being scared of true intimacy such that sexual encounters feel too vulnerable and ignite fear or anxiety

As with any other Specific Phobia out there – Erotophobia can result from things such as trauma, where sexual trauma can lead to fear surrounding sex, but also from prolonged exposure to things such as negative messaging about sex.

While the fear in Erotophobia is clinically categorized as “irrational”, it’s important to note that there’s nothing irrational about fearing sex if you’ve been subjected to sexual abuse, trauma, or traumatic messages about sex. 

However the way Erotophobia presents can “look” irrational to outsiders and can lead to debilitating consequences in your life.

It’s therefore not uncommon for sex therapists to help clients work through things such as religious or cultural messages that have created negative beliefs surrounding sex. Negative beliefs about sexual experiences can lead to a fear of letting go during sex. They can also make you feel scared to fantasize or think about sex because it feels wrong and dirty. Both of which can be worked on in sex therapy.

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

The connection between Erotophobia and Genito-Pelvic Pain Disorder

Fear surrounding vaginal penetration such as sexual intercourse or using a tampon could be diagnosed as Erotophobia, but can also be diagnosed as Genito-Pelvic Pain Disorder.

Genito-Pelvic Pain Disorder is a common diagnosis where the person experiences immense pain at the entrance of their vagina. Because of this pain, fear surrounding sex also ensues.

However for some, the fear of sex might have developed before the pain began.

There are ongoing discussions within the Sexology field about whether fear is a hallmark of Genito-Pelvic Pain Disorder and how it arises, or whether your fear is a secondary trait that begins as a result of prolonged pain in the vulva area.

Regardless, it’s clear that it is important to differentiate whether someone is suffering from Genito-Pelvic Pain, Erotophobia, or potentially both.

The connection between Erotophobia and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Erotophobia and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder share several links as well and because of this, sometimes OCD can be misdiagnosed as a Specific Phobia such as Erotophobia. This is because someone with OCD might express their symptoms as a fear of sexual intimacy or sex itself.

However, the biggest difference between the two is that OCD is accompanied by specific rituals and “obsessions” surrounding whatever it’s focused on. 

For instance, if the intense fear is around sex, a person may obsessively clean their genitals before sex or need things like the atmosphere, foreplay or their bedroom to be a certain way before attempting to have sex (solo or with a partner).

While this may seem like a fear of sex, it stems from a particular focus on something outside of the sexual act itself. If you suffer from Erotophobia, you likely don’t have rituals or routines surrounding the fears you have. Nor do you have what might be labelled as an obsession with it.

Again, it’s important to note, just as with a clinical symptom of Erotophobia being labelled as “irrational”, labeling something as “obsessive” can feel like a punch to the stomach. These words are laden with values that can cause all kinds of negative feelings. So while the symptom is labelled “obsessive”, it likely feels like the things you’re doing are necessary.

If you have symptoms of OCD such as:

• Unwanted, intrusive images, thoughts, or fantasies in your mind
• Compulsive behaviours such as rituals or routines that are enacted in a compulsive manner and take up more than an hour of your day
• Strong feelings of anxiety and distress

You might be looking at an OCD diagnosis as opposed to Erotophobia.

Erotophobia fears

Erotophobia – as specific as it may sound already – can also be broken up into several smaller categories of phobias. These include:

Fear of penetration

Called “Genophobia” – this is a specific fear of vaginal penetrative sex. This means you’re afraid of either penetrating someone vaginally or being penetrated vaginally yourself. As mentioned previously, this is somewhat similar to Genito-Pelvic pain, however, this diagnosis also includes the fear of pain and experiencing pain itself. 

If you have had a partner who experiences pain during vaginal penetration, it would not be strange to develop Erotophobia yourself.

This is because vaginal penetration can also be traumatic for you even when you’re not in pain yourself. Inflicting pain unintentionally on someone you love or care about deeply, is a big burden to bear.

Fear of nudity

Called “Gymnophobia”, this is a specific fear of either being naked in front of your partner, people in general, or of seeing other people naked. Some people also experience bodily anxiety and body image issues. However a fear of nudity can exist without feeling like you don’t feel confident in your own skin.

Fear of being touched

Called “Haphephobia”, this is a specific fear of being touched by others. As with the other phobias this can be more general in nature, i.e. you don’t want anyone touching you, or can be related more to your romantic partners and touch you experience from your sexual partner.

Fear of intimacy

While sex doesn’t always have to be an emotionally vulnerable or a significant act – for a lot of people emotional closeness is a part of sex. As such, if you experience general fears of intimacy, getting naked and having sex with someone can produce immense fears that stem from an initial fear of abandonment.

What to do if you believe you have Erotophobia

While you may worry that you fulfil the criteria for a Specific Phobia such as Erotophobia – it’s important not to draw your own conclusions.

This is because it’s hard to diagnose yourself and you run the risk of “giving” yourself a diagnosis you don’t actually have.

This in turn can lead to you to seek out the wrong information or try out things at home that simply might not help at all.

You also run the risk of developing a stronger phobia in the process. 

For all these reasons and more, here are a few steps to follow to get started:

• Seek out a mental and/or sexual health professional who is able to diagnose and treat you. This is the speediest and safest route to working out what’s actually going on.
  
  
• Once you know what your diagnosis is – if it’s a phobia, a part of a broader diagnosis such as OCD or Genito-Pelvic Pain, or another sexual dysfunction – then you can start to receive the appropriate treatment.
  
  
• You may also find you don’t fulfil the criteria for any specific diagnosis, as worry and sexual anxiety are common difficulties that don’t always lead to a diagnosis. Your sex therapist can help you sort this part out so you are not attaching yourself to the wrong diagnosis. And help you experience more desire and have great sex.
  
  
• There are lots of treatment options out there. If it indeed is a Specific Phobia such as Erotophobia, seeing a sex therapist will likely be the best way forward.
  
  Sex therapists are trained mental health professionals who specialize in all sexual difficulties. They will be able to help you take steps forward, and possibly address the root causes underlying your diagnosis. Therapy such as Psychodynamic Therapy works very well for many of the issues discussed here.
  
  
• And, if you don’t fulfil criteria for a diagnosis but you still have sexual struggles – seeking out the help of a qualified sex coach is also an option. That said, there are big differences between sex therapy and coaching. You can learn more about the differences between a sex therapist vs a sex coach and which option is best for you.

How I can help you

As a professional sex therapist and coach I have lived experience helping clients with the challenges talked about here.

The biggest thing I want you to take away is that you’re not alone in your fears surrounding sex. Erotophobia is a big deal, as is general sexual anxiety, pain during sex, and low or no sex drive. But there are ways to manage these difficulties and create a fulfilling sex life. One that meets your needs and the needs of your partner(s), too.

In my online program Re:Desire – I help you move past sexual anxiety so you can have more and better sex. Sex that’s on your own terms and that doesn’t fill you with shame or worry – but butterflies and deep-seated intimacy.