Why Spontaneous Sex May Be Helpful In Repairing A Sexless Relationship

12 minute read

Spontaneous sex and impulsive sex are the kinds of sex most of us dream of having. But the thing is – spontaneity can be really hard to achieve, especially in a long term relationship. And it’s even more challenging if you’re in a sexless relationship – cause how likely is it to go from no sex to sex at the spur of the moment? 

The opportunity for spontaneous sex arises when the mood strikes you. A lot of times, this is about messy, imperfect moments where there’s less focus on everything being “just right” and more emphasis on what is. 

How sex can become more difficult when we’re “in our heads” about it

Spontaneous sex versus planned sex dates is often seen as the better kind of sex. Society places a lot of value in the spontaneity aspect as it confirms all that we want to believe about love and the “right” relationship – that it’s so passionate and intense that we simply can’t keep our hands off of each other.

We believe that spontaneous sex happens when you’re truly compatible with your partner and your partner is attracted to you just as you are. And that if you have have to plan for sex to happen… is it true love?

Both stereotypes are fueled by the media

The truth is, having impulsive sex isn’t actually better than planned sex. What’s more – couples that plan to have sex (and carry through with it) likely have more sex than people who wait for the impulse to strike. At least if we’re considering long partnerships!

But both impulsive sex and planned sex can be hard to achieve when you’re in a sexless relationship.

Why? Because you’ve very likely gotten stuck in your head. And when this happens, it can be hard to both notice it and break the negative cycle. 

The thing about being stuck in your head is that it will prevent you from having really good sex – because when you’re trapped in your thoughts you’re not actually present for the moment. This means you’re not actually paying attention to the things that can turn you on and make you enjoy sex.

Sometimes we can get so caught up in our thinking that our focus on sex or sexlessness feels obsessive. 

Thoughts like:

• “Am I really ready for sex?”
• “Am I not ready for sex?” 
• “What is sex going to be like when we have it?” 
• “Did my partner just reject my invitation to have sex?”  
• “Doesn’t my partner understand that I’m really tired/distracted/not in the mood?”

Can all seem to take up your day (or night!)

When you enter the phase of obsessing about what’s going on in your sex life, it’s like you’re stuck in a loop. If this sounds like you know you’re not alone and there are ways of breaking the pattern. 

When question after question flows through your mind it’s easy to get distracted. You’re no exactly doing it on purpose! 

But here’s the thing – if your brain gets stuck on the first question of should you have sex or not, you miss the crucial element that will actually determine this for you – namely, your desire. 

Constantly checking in with yourself about whether or not you want sex puts a roadblock between you and desire.

Because your mind is elsewhere and isn’t focusing on the thing that could potentially turn you on and make you want to have sex.  

And when there’s no desire or arousal there – sex just isn’t enjoyable and you might wonder “why does sex feel like nothing anymore?”

The value of not thinking too much about sex

When you work on not thinking so hard about sex – it becomes easier to take action. 

Because as soon as you get stuck in your mind, your attention shifts to deciding versus focusing on the potential pleasure at hand.

The problem? It’s hard not to get stuck in our minds. For a lot of us, we live in a culture where most of the big problems we face in life are solved by thinking of solutions. So we naturally turn to our brain to help us sort through all problems – sexual ones, too.

This isn’t a bad thing per say – we need our brains to do what they’re best at; thinking. However, thinking about whether or not we want sex rarely puts us in the mood for it. 

Why? Because the mere act of thinking takes you out of your body.  The place where pleasure resides and intimacy occurs. 

You instantly become disembodied, which is the opposite of what you want when you’re trying to have sex. 

What’s more – your brain and your body are intimately connected. What goes on in your mind affects your body (and vice versa). This means things like getting an erection or sustaining one become nearly impossible when you’re stuck in your mind. 

What we want to achieve is to disconnect from our minds and drop into our bodies. 

And if this sounds nearly impossible – you’re, again, not alone. This is where the help of a sex therapist or a sex coach might be just what you need. 

Because we know exactly how to go about creating more and better sex – sex where you’re caught up in the moment – not in your mind. 

The Myth About Spontaneous Sex

Contrary to popular belief, spontaneous sex does not mean you’re always raring to go before you initiate sex with your partner. While there’s nothing wrong with this approach, for a lot of people – desire doesn’t appear out of the blue. 

This means the simple act of initiating sex could be what gets you in the mood. 

This is a great way to approach spontaneous sex as it removes the pressure you may be feeling to be turned on as soon as you kiss your partner or respond to their sexual invite. 

When I help couples get to a place of being more spontaneous about having sex, we work on letting go of a few specific areas that are often blockers to spontaneous sex.  Here’s the list we work on together. 

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

4 things to consider letting go of to invite in more spontaneous sex:

#1 Timing 

When you haven’t had sex for a long time, it’s easy to get hung up on the idea of finding the perfect time. Unfortunately, when you attempt to do this you very rarely get it right. 

Because if we’re being honest – most people have very little control over their time. Every demand in your life takes from your time and that means you’re seriously limiting your opportunities for sex if you’re waiting for the perfect opportunity.

If the timing has to be perfect… 

…your preparation has to be perfect… 

…your mood has to be perfect… 

…the kind of sex you have has to be perfect… 

You’re likely miss out on any possible opportunities for sex at all.

It’s also important to consider this; sex doesn’t actually have to take a long time. In fact, for most couples – it doesn’t. (Want more perspective shifts like this one? My in-depth, to-the-point training; The Sex Fresh Start, provides loads more + offers new ways of thinking of sex that will help you want to want sex again). 

So – if you want to be more spontaneous about it, identify the pockets of time you do have (instead of focusing on the ones you don’t) – and see if starting something sexual in those moments work for you.

The beauty of spontaneous sex is that it works with the time you have – it doesn’t require more time than you actually have. 

#2 Hygiene

Hygiene is a big factor that stands in the way of sex for a lot of people. If this is you, you might want to consider making hygiene a part of the sex itself. 

For example, you could take a shower together which could lead to sex in the shower (or outside of the shower). It’s also a great way of being close that doesn’t have to lead to sex right away. Lathering each other in soap under the warm water could serve as foreplay for great sex to come later that day (or int he days to come!).

It’s also worth considering how to make the aspect of hygiene as easy as possible.

If you don’t want it to turn into a roadblock – could you perhaps store body wipes or mints on your nightstand (or close to where you’ve had sex in the past)?

Or could the act of brushing your teeth become a signal in and of itself of wanting to have sex?

By making hygiene a part of your foreplay – you can check it off your list as something that blocks sex – and turn it into something that invites sex.

#3 Judgement 

Many believe sex has to include all the parts of a sexual experience in order for it to count as good sex – or sex at all. 

Perhaps you believe mutual orgasms always have to be a part of sex (or orgasms at all!). 

Or, you and your partner have to touch each other in a particular order, or always include a specific sexual practice, otherwise it’s not “real” sex.

If you’re in a heterosexual relationship, you might think that vaginal penetration must always occur, otherwise, you’ve only dabbled in “foreplay”. 

The thing is – whether the specific examples above ring true for you or not – belief systems around what is, or isn’t sex puts a lot of pressure on the ability to be spontaneous. 

When there are lots of unspoken rules around sex it can be challenging to have really great sex and go with the flow. And this in turn leads to inner judgment of yourself and your partner.

Especially if you’re in a sexless relationship, the goal isn’t to get it all perfect – the goal is progress. Being sexual in any way with your partner is moving away from sexlessness and towards sex. 

When you see your sexual acts as progress you’re likelier to feel more motivated to continue.

But when nothing you or your partner ever do is enough – it rarely inspires you to try again. Instead, if leaves you feeling hopeless and like nothing is ever enough.

So – try giving yourself credit for anything sexual. Kissing? Great. Making out? Wow. Petting on top of clothes? Talk about amazing progress! It may sound silly (and you can tone it down in your head if this sounds ridiculous) – but I promise, it works. 

When you move away from crossing off items on your sexual to-do list, and appreciate the things you’re doing that bring you pleasure – it will be easier to keep it going.

#4 Perfection

When you’re in a sexless relationship, it’s only natural to feel nervous about having sex after a long period of time. 

After all, for a lot of people, sex is a vulnerable act. And when you haven’t done it in a while, and when you’re worrying about the state of your relationship – it’s common to feel trepidatious. 

One key thing to remember here is that sex doesn’t have to be perfect.

It’s okay if things don’t go 100% the way you were hoping them to. Sure, in an ideal world they would, but placing that kind of expectation on yourself, your partner, and your body – is a tall order to fulfil. 

Contrary to what we see in movies and porn – our bodies don’t always “perform” the way we want them to. Faltering erections and difficulties orgasming are actually common experiences that don’t have to mean we’re with the wrong partner. They don’t have to mean we’re never get there either. 

As we discussed in no.3 Judgment – try turning your motto to “progress over perfection.”

Instead of focusing on the things that went wrong and judging yourself (or your partner) for it – what would happen if you focused on the facts instead? 

You connected.

You were together. 

You were sexual together. 

Any kind of sex when you’re in a primarily sexless relationship – is progress. And by looking at it that way, you’re likelier to have an even better experience the next time!

Why being spontaneous is particularly helpful in long-term sexless relationships.

When you remove the barriers to sex; the timing, hygiene, judgment, and perfection – you’re changing the dynamic between you and your partner significantly. 

Trying out the spontaneous route can help to kick-start progress you’ve been anxious about for months or even years.

If you feel immense pressure surrounding sex – removing ideas about what must be included or how long sex should last can releae some of that stress. Because if any connection is a win after a long dry spell, it will have you both buzzing with energy as opposed to digging into a hole of disappointment.

However, if the idea of spontaneity has you breaking out in a sweat and dreading sex even more – this is a sign to reach out to a sex therapist in order to apply a different approach. 

When I work with clients who feel stressed out just by the thought of sex – we start by reducing the pressure first. Because the thing about pressure is that once it reaches its boiling point, the harder it becomes to access your desire and arousal (even with the best intentions at heart). 

This doesn’t mean it’s impossible, and it doesn’t mean it’s not worth a try, but if you notice yourself getting stuck in a negative cycle – it’s important to reach out to a sexual health professional for help. 

Because it’s possible to break a negative sex cycle and create a positive one – you just need to know how to and take the right steps forward. 

Getting started.

Sex in long-term relationships can be amazing – but it can also feel awkward, hard, and even impossible at times. Especially if you’ve been in a sexless relationship for some time.

If you’re looking to start having sex again – make that goal smaller, so you can take bite-sized steps toward it. Anything that counts as sexual interaction is a great step in the right direction.

This lowers the stakes and creates a positive atmosphere where you’re stepping out of the friend zone and into the lover zone.  

For some, this looks like making out more or actually just kissing one another again. For others – kisses and make-out sessions aren’t the way to go. In fact, if the notion of kissing feels like it’s required and mandatory, it can have you feeling stressed out about where kisses “have to lead”. For some – starting off by caressing sexual body parts might be far better – and others prefer leaving kissing off the table entirely. 

The point is – sex can be whatever you want it to be. It doesn’t even have to involve genitals – so long as it feels sexual and pleasurable, that is truly good enough.

And if you fancy expert help on turning sexlessness into butterflies again – I’m here to help. Whether you’re looking for a bite-sized fresh start, or a 5-phase, comprehensive course to have more and better sex – I offer it all.

Because the truth is, good sex might just be around the corner, if you’re willing to do the work!