4 min read
When your relationship brings you more irritation than butterflies, and the sex has long stopped or feels like a chore, it could be a sign you feel disconnected from your partner.
The good news though is that disconnect can turn into connection. But in order for that to happen, you first need to understand the holistic impact this has on your relationship. And why your sex life often can’t create that connection from scratch.
It starts out as a temporary disconnect from your partner.
Whatever the reason – you and your partner simply don’t seem to have the time, or energy, to come together at the end of your day.
Weeks later, you feel disconnected from your partner – it’s somehow become the norm. And it’s starting to affect your relationship in seemingly every area. In turn, making communication in the relationship strained.
At first it happens subconsciously – you start to find them more annoying than usual.
The way they empty the dishwasher, the way they chew. Their amazing capability to somehow always initiate sex when you’re the least interested.
And before you know it – the sex dwindles and sex becomes to feel more like a chore than sexy pleasure. Something you do because you’re “supposed to”. And something you do because you hope, somewhere in the depths of your heart, that this will heal the disconnect.
But it doesn’t. And that’s due to no fault of your own. It actually makes a whole lot of sense.
When you feel disconnected from your partner, and sex has turned into another to-do on your list – communication during sex stops.
The soft sounds you used to make encouraging your partner, perhaps the instructions you would give, or listen to, don’t seem to find their way into your sexual moment anymore.
Even just suggesting a new position, or for your partner to slow down or use more pressure, turns into something insurmountable. Your lips can’t seem to make out the words.
Because to share is to be vulnerable. And to be vulnerable is only something that can occur once we feel connected, and thus, emotionally safe.
If you’re disconnected it can feel like you need to keep your emotional guard up, even during sex.
This is often one of the first major signs of how feeling disconnected shows up in your sex life and can breed resentment.
The chore-like sex you have gradually becomes harder to enjoy and more difficult to say yes to. Because you’re having sex you don’t really want. You’re going through the motions, trying to get it over with as quickly as possible. For some, this is also a result of scheduling sex dates (which can work terrifically for some, and really horribly for others).
And the thing about going through the motions is it doesn’t lead to more connection. In fact, having sex while you simultaneously feel disconnected from your partner – can further that feeling of being miles apart.
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
Because you’re sharing an intimate dance that no longer feels like one. It feels mechanical, which in turn can start to affect your sexual arousal during sex.
Perhaps you find it harder to get and sustain an erection, or you never really seem to lubricate anymore.
Maybe you even experience orgasm difficulty, and never seem to finish like you used to.
And when orgasms dry up, erections falter, and sex isn’t enjoyable anymore – it becomes harder to desire it. Because if we’re being completely honest – why would you want sex if the sex you’re having isn’t pleasurable?
Once we stop desiring sex, it creates an even bigger divide, feeding into further emotional distance.
What started out as a stressful deadline, or kids to contend with – has now turned everything upside down and you wonder just what the heck is going on.
You’re not necessarily doing anything wrong here.
Most of us know sex is important in relationships. It can help create a stronger connection with our partner. So you’ve been doing the very best you can – perhaps even initiating sex cause you believe you should, or saying yes though your mind is elsewhere.
But sex can only make you feel closer if you’re having sex you want and enjoy. Therefore, when you feel disconnected from your partner – see it as an invitation to revive your relationship. To get those butterflies back and fluttering in your favour.
Because we can only course-correct when we see how far off course we are. So the fact that you’re here now – means up is the only way to go!
Ready for more emotional and sexual intimacy? Check out my online program Re:Desire – a 5-phase experience packed with actionable exercises, bite-sized video lessons, and weekly 1:1 support.
You’re not alone! Download the 10-page Desire Test to find out why your desire for sex is gone (and what to do about it).
Questions based on a variety of factors proven to negatively affect desire
Find out which factors are responsible for your low or non-existent sex drive
Get instant access to expert advice, delivered directly to your inbox when you download The Desire Test. Unsubscribe anytime.
WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE DESIRE TEST?
With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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