Originally published on January 26, 2022. Updated on May 8, 2024.
6 min read
I get asked about sex all the time. As a sex therapist who helps people increase their sex drive, I’m constantly fielding questions from people, like: “Why can’t I come?” and “Why don’t I want sex?” to: “Why don’t I feel anything during sex?” All of these questions have one thing in common – the underlying assumption is that something is wrong with them.
No longer enjoying sex like you used to can be worrying and feel like a cause for concern. But in most cases, the answer doesn’t have to be that complicated. And it will show you, nothing is wrong with you. All you need is to make a few tweaks!
“Did I send that email?” “Why didn’t she respond to my text?” “I wish this would just be over with already”.
Do any of these thoughts sound like you while you’re having sex?
If so – they might be the answer to why sex feels like nothing.
If you’re checked out during sex, this usually means you’re not in touch with your body, and your mind is not anchored in the moment. Because of this, you likely feel less desire and arousal, which simultaneously means less physical pleasure.
In order to experience sexual pleasure, you need to be in touch with your body – and your mind needs to be focused on the moment. Check out this blog post on how to get out of your head during sex for ways of creating more presence during sex.
This one might sound a bit woo and a bit weird – but it’s not, actually.
Sex is an emotional experience, even if we’re having a one-night stand. Why? Because desire is an emotion, in and of itself. So, to have sex is to feel and embody the emotions of sex.
Sometimes in life, when things are hard, we get to a point where we’re really good at shutting down at the first sense of a negative feeling. This is especially true if we’re experiencing grief, sadness, anger or shame. But when we shut down one emotion – we often shut them all down – including desire, too.
If sex doesn’t feel pleasurable or doesn’t feel a whole lot of anything, check in with yourself and how you’re currently relating to and dealing with your feelings in general in life.
If you want help in this area, download my free guide, A Manual for Emotions, where I offer a simple 3-step solution to dealing with difficult feelings.
Sometimes the answer to the question, “Why does sex feel like nothing?” is quite simple: you’re having sex that doesn’t really do it for you.
Perhaps your partner loves vaginal sex, but you don’t, yet you keep having it. Or maybe you believe you should be turned on by having the same kinds of sex each time – almost following a sexual script of sorts.
But you’re bored. And when you’re bored of the sex you’re having – when it doesn’t turn you on – your chances of experiencing sexual pleasure are slim to none.
Because sex isn’t just a purely physical act. Even if you’re hitting the right spots – you won’t experience that jolt of excitement or arousal, if you’re not in the mood.
When we experience sexual difficulties, we often look to sexual solutions. Perhaps we believe we need to switch things up in the bedroom, or try a new sex toy.
While these things can work wonders for some – they do nothing for others. This is because sexual difficulties often run deep. Our sexuality is ingrained in our being which means it’s hard to separate from the rest of us.
Therefore, if you find it:
If you’re asking yourself, “Why don’t I enjoy sex?”, the answer may lie more in your difficulties with pleasure all around – than just sexual pleasure.
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
Medication that helps us with anxiety and depression is a godsend. But even if they may help us emotionally, they’re not always great for our sexuality.
Some people on antidepressants may find it harder to lubricate or have an erection, may experience low libido, and find it harder to orgasm.
Clients I’ve seen over the years have experienced losing a lot of sensitivity in their genitals. And this loss, coupled with arousal and desire difficulties – makes sex a less than pleasurable experience. If sex doesn’t feel good, speaking with your doctor and switching up your medications may be the best way forward.
There are lots of sex myths out there about the kinds of sex we “should” be having. For people in heterosexual relationships and marriages – vaginal sex is often seen as the end-all and be-all of sex.
Because of this, you might have been lulled into the idea that vaginal penetrative sex is what you should be aiming for in order to experience maximum pleasure and emotional intimacy.
But the thing is – even if the idea of vaginal sex is your biggest turn-on – it might not be the most physically satisfying.
If you’re a woman or a person with a vulva – your most erogenous zone is your clitoris. And unless you actively involve your clitoris during sex (by touching it) – vaginal sex might feel completely underwhelming.
The same may ring true for men and people with penises. Yes, vaginal sex might be exciting for your mind – but if you’re used to a certain harder grip during masturbation – it might not be physically satisfying.
Among the most common reasons why some people can’t feel anything during sex is low desire or no sex drive. In order for sex to be pleasurable from a physical perspective, we need to be into it on a mental level, too.
Desire resides in our brain, and for most of us, desire is the key factor in how sex feels. Perhaps we need a particular fantasy to kick-start our desire.
Or maybe we feel nothing sexually because there’s immense pressure surrounding sex in our relationship, with our minds constantly berating us with questions like: “how long is too long without sex? Surely we should be having more of it!”.
Whatever the reason for your low desire – you likely won’t be able to experience more pleasure until you’re able to access your sex drive.
This can be done in several ways, but the most important one is working out what blocks are standing in the way of your sex drive. You can do this by downloading my free resource, The Desire Test. Based on sexual science and my extensive experience as an online sex coach and therapist – it helps you take the first step towards more desire and more sex.
When sex is underwhelming physically – the first step is to check in with yourself and see what the root cause may be. For some, it’s about not being in touch with your body or your emotions; for others, it’s about being on antidepressants, having low desire, or having sex that doesn’t turn them on. Other times, our difficulties experiencing general pleasures in life have trickled into our sex life.
Whatever the answer to the question, “Why doesn’t sex feel good?” may be for you, there is a lot you can do to turn it around so you can experience mind-blowing, toe-curling, fantastic sex. The kind you deserve.
Want more help getting there? You’ll need to understand what’s standing in your way. Download my free resource, The Desire Test, to get the answers to this question. Based on sexological science and my extensive experience as a therapist and coach, it lets you know what you need to work on in order to start loving sex again.
You’re not alone! Download the 10-page Desire Test to find out why your desire for sex is gone (and what to do about it).
Questions based on a variety of factors proven to negatively affect desire
Find out which factors are responsible for your low or non-existent sex drive
Get instant access to expert advice, delivered directly to your inbox when you download The Desire Test. Unsubscribe anytime.
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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