Is sexual novelty the new 50 Shades? Perhaps it’s just what you need to rekindle your attraction…
Sexual novelty is anything that’s new in a sexual sense in your relationship.
This could be a new sex toy that you bring into the bedroom. Or, it can be a new sex position or two. Even switching up the time of day you have sex. It’s really anything new that you add to your sex life with the goal of spicing things up with your partner and increasing sexual attraction.
Because newness in the bedroom (or wherever you have sex), can spark both romantic attraction and physical attraction.
Sexual novelty can also apply to solo sex. Things like switching up your technique when you masturbate can also increase your interest in having sex with your partner.
Newness is important because it brings your attention back to the present moment. And when you’re in the present moment, you experience life more fully.
Think of it in terms of when your brain trusts you to do something for a long time. Once we’ve repeated a certain thing in life; be it how to cook a delicious meal or how to drive to work – our brain easily goes into autopilot mode the next time we’re going to do it. How many times have you arrived at your destination only to realise you weren’t really paying all that much attention to your drive?
This enables us to do something without having to put much thought into it at all.
And while we don’t necessarily need to have new kinds of sex every time – it can be a great way to refresh your connection with your partner.
Because your brain operates differently when you encounter a situation that isn’t routine.
When something is new – you have to think about it. Little details take more attention to manage and as a consequence, you’re more attuned to what’s happening. This is why part of how to be more present in bed has to do with helping your mind become acutely aware of what is going on. When your mind is preoccupied with the sexual experience – desire and arousal grows.
Newness is a great way of bringing your mind back into the now – which can be very helpful if your sex life has gotten a little boring.
When you approach sex with a “beginner’s mind” – you open up all lots of sexual feelings that may have gotten lost in the mundane routine of your every day (or every year) sex life.
Sexual novelty doesn’t only matter in terms of being present during sex. Novelty is also important when it comes to sexual attraction. This is because it’s common for attraction to wane in long-term relationships. Even if you still love your partner and love the life you share together.
When we’re stuck in the roommate phase of marriage or long-term relationships – many long to get back to the start.
Part of this is because sexual desire is strong at the beginning of relationships Those special moments (or perhaps years) when your sexual connection was on fire. Even if your relationship started out as friends, once you have sex, your attraction to your partner tends to grow intensely.
And it lasts like this for a while.
But many find their sexual attraction wanes in unexpected ways. It can be surprising and upsetting when you notice your sex life isn’t what it used to be.
This is when things like sexual novelty come to play an important role in increasing sexual desire for your partner which has perhaps dissipated over time.
Newness and novel experiences break up the monotony of the day-to-day that happens so naturally in long-term relationships. Especially the really good ones where you get on so well you don’t feel the need to switch things up.
But when you add new elements to your sexual experiences – it gives your brain something exciting to focus on again.
Have you grabbed your free resource yet?It draws your attention back to what you really love, appreciate, and like about your partner. Reminding you of why you still do actually desire your partner after all this time. This in turn boosts the sexual attraction you feel for them.
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The short answer – no. The long answer – it depends.
As a sex coach and sex therapist, what I can tell you is that most people don’t expect their hot and heavy sex life to become boring (perhaps ever).
But the reality is – even with the most satisfying and fulfilling sex life, over time, you will likely settle into a routine. Partly because we humans have a tendency to repeat things that have been pleasurable in the past But over time – it might not deliver the same rock-your-world stuff.
Where is where knowing the power of sexual novelty to shake up your romantic relationship is an ace you pull out when you need it.
You don’t necessarily have to add in sexual novelty for novelty’s sake – but it’s important to keep it in mind for the future as a way to excite yourself, increase attraction and turn your sex drive on.
Not at all. Sexual novelty is simply about giving your brain newness – because our mind thrives when it can feed on newness. Much in the same way as when you get a thrill by doing something out of your comfort zone or totally new – novelty does the same thing to your sex life.
Just because your brain loves a good dopamine rush, the craving for newness doesn’t imply your relationship is in trouble.
This is, in fact, one of the many myths out there that state that couples stop having sex because they’re not meant to be. In actual fact – that’s not true.
All it’s really telling you is you need to do something to make your sex life exciting again.
Because just as we don’t really want to eat the same meal every day for the rest of our life – having the same kind of sex every time can have us feeling less and less enthused about the possibility of a romp in the sack.
So it’s not so much about switching partners – as it is about perhaps switching things up in the bedroom.
Newness and sexual novelty can be injected into your sex life in lots of different ways. You can think of it in terms of what you can spice up during sex, but also before you even start to have sex.
During sex itself, you can add sex toys, or swap the toys you usually use for new ones.
You can try new sex positions too. If you’re used to having sex laying down, try sitting up or even standing.
Add new foreplay elements like watching a sexy movie together.
You can listen to audio erotica together while having sex. Hearing other people who are enjoying each other at the same time as you’re enjoying one another can be really powerful.
You can try dirty talking to each other and play with that for a time.
Even building sexual anticipation by talking throughout the day leading up to the time when you can be together can be exciting.
If you’re interested in some kind of power play, you can explore BDSM and adopt roles where one of you is more dominant and the other is more submissive.
You can try giving and receiving some kind of pain either through spanking each other or through using a sex toy like a flogger.
You can change where you have sex. If you’re used to having sex in your bedroom – try other areas of your home. Maybe even places like a hotel or a pool. Keep in mind that sex in water can sometimes cause infections and create more friction than is pleasurable so if you’re having sex in water – always use lube.
And you can of course try exploring different kinds of touch. Do you want lighter touches, harder, firmer touches during sex? Maybe even playing around with different materials such as stroking silk over your partner’s body.
Finally, if you find yourself always going through a standard routine, for instance; kissing followed by oral sex, followed by penetration – try sticking only to oral sex or petting.
There’s also research showing that what we do after sex has a big impact on how we experience sex itself. For this reason, if you always have sex and fall asleep right away – try spending time cuddling or connecting emotionally afterwards. This can help sex feel novel and new, too.
Sexual novelty is really all about mixing up your sameness, so you experience each other in new and pleasurable ways.
Sexual novelty (just like the sex act itself) – is a joint effort. It’s a proactive measure to help your sexual connection stay healthy and alive throughout the years together. To this end, it’s important to talk to your partner about your desire for new experiences. Because ultimately you want your partner to understand your interests and why.
You don’t want to risk them feeling like they’re boring and unsatisfying in bed.
Sharing with your partner things you want to try and why – opens up a conversation where you can both share your feelings (and possible concerns). This way you can get on the same page about how far to take your sexual activities.
Because we don’t always need grand plans to switch things up – it can be something small that can have a big effect.
If you’re looking to take things in a completely new direction, say incorporate some BDSM practices into your sex life, you definitely need to talk about this beforehand. As with all sex – consent is key, and introducing power play of any kind needs to be talked about beforehand.
If you’re in a situation where you’re both clear about wanting to try something new, but you can’t agree on what or how – this is a good time to talk with a sex coach or a sex therapist.
This is important because if you’re going to spend the rest of your lives together – you need to approach this as a team. Very seldom does only one person’s desires direct actions in a healthy way.
It’s not just one partner not doing something – or doing stuff you don’t enjoy. The quality is determined by both of you. And sexual novelty is a great way of keeping your commitment to helping your sex life stay fresh.
It doesn’t require doing the maximum amount of new things. Nor does it mean you have to constantly change the ways in which you have sex. It’s simply about noticing how your sexual connection can have a lasting impact on your attraction to your partner and that utilizing novelty can help rekindle your attraction and bring you closer together once again. Both inside the bedroom – and out of it.
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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