8 minute read
As couples grow in their relationship, cracks inevitably start to show. One way they creep up on us is through an unhealthy pattern; where one person pursues their partner more than the other. This is called the pursuer distancer dynamic and it can be both painful and confusing. Worst of all – it can cause couples to believe their relationship is in trouble – or over, entirely.
But while being out of sync can cause a relationship to crumble – it’s also a solvable dynamic. At its core, it’s about different ways of managing stress; stress about your relationship, stress about your sex life, and even anxiety about relationship insecurity. When this kicks in, it’s common for it to show in mixed levels of attention and energy towards each other.
To figure out this problem and understand what’s going on, you first need to understand the pursuer-distance dynamic.
The pursuer distancer pattern is when a couple ends up in a negative pattern with one partner pursuing connection (what feels like all of the time) and the other partner distancing themselves from connection (again, what feels like all of the time).
While it may seem like these are two fundamentally different things occurring at the same time – this dynamic is actually a stress response. In fact, it’s the manifestation of how two people manage stress differently.
For example, if I’m stressed and pull away from you, this causes anxiety within you and leads you to pursue me. There isn’t one person who creates this dynamic, because it takes two to tango. Rather it’s a response to stress that causes this distinct dynamic.
Oftentimes relationship anxiety is the underlying cause of the pursuer distancer pattern. When couples experience this, that’s when this dynamic kicks in.
While it may seem like this might only happen when our sex life is off-kilter, this stress can occur for any number of reasons: money issues, kids, job-related stress, sexual dynamics, you name it, all of them can incite the pursuer distancer dynamic.
The pursuer pursues because they’re experiencing a disconnect in their relationship. Whatever the rift in their security is, when they sense it, their initial reaction is to try and get closer to their partner.
This can show up in non-sexual ways such as hugs or holding hands.
Perhaps they want to talk all of the time, calling and texting way more than they used to do.
Maybe they start trying to initiate sex more often and get frustrated by the lack of sex in your relationship.
Over time they become hungrier for connection because they feel less close and less connected to you. To the distancer, it can truly feel like nothing is ever enough – they always want more.
Like their partner is now “needy” or “clingy,” but really, – all they’re doing is reacting to a disconnect in your relationship.
As the pattern settles in, the pursuer’s anxiety rises. They may start to express other feelings like anger or annoyance because they don’t know how to get their needs met. This can lead to arguments when there’s sexual rejection in the mix, and frustration over you “never being in the mood”.
When this pattern has been going on for a while it feels like you have a sexually demanding husband, wife or partner – but there are usually deeper emotions going on underneath the surface. Because sex isn’t just about sex.
As a way of dealing with the anxiety of the pursuing partner – the distancer starts to pull away even further. Because this is how they deal with the impending anxiety surrounding your relationship.
Again, it’s the same problem; it’s just showing up in a different way. The pursuer wants to get close to relieve their anxiety. The distancer wants space to relieve theirs.
This might look like the distancer avoiding quality time together or forgetting things. They may not seem to notice or even feel like something is a big deal which causes their partner’s anxiety to rise.
This can also effect your sex life, where the distancer starts to not only avoid sex, but general intimacy too. All in an effort to reduce the pressure that now is engulfing your relationship and bond.
The more their partner wants to have sex with them, the worse they feel. They start to avoid anything sexual altogether; hugs, kisses, cuddling and even sitting close on the sofa. They don’t want the pursuer to get “the wrong idea” so the short-term course of action is to retreat. After a while, the avoidance of sex may turn into what officially is referred to as a sexual desire disorder (though there is nothing ‘disordered’ about it at all).
Like two dancers with choreographed movements, the more the distancer retreats back, the more the pursuer pursues. And as you both get stronger in your roles, there’s often more distancing and more pursuing because what you’re both trying to do is show the other what your needs are.
But it’s like the more you show your needs – the less they’re heard by your partner.
As the distancer, you keep trying to create space and distance yourself by avoiding connection (physical, emotional, and sexual connection) as a way of showing your partner, “hey, I’m not interested.”
But instead of them listening – your partner responds by trying to show you how much they want to be with you. They shower you with physical, sexual and emotional connection.
Instead of you both being heard, you’re stuck in a dynamic of having to say “no” more than feels reasonable. And your partner, hearing your “nos” in turn feels deeply rejected and hurt
No one is getting their needs met.
Dynamics like this leave couples feeling like they’re doomed because on the surface level, it seems they want two completely different things. One person wants closeness, both in and out of the bedroom, and the other wants closeness on their terms but feels suffocated and retreats into their shell.
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
When you look at this negative cycle with fresh eyes, you see that both partners want the same thing.
They both want closeness.
They both want love.
They both want validation.
But when their needs have been neglected for too long, patterns like clinging and avoidance become rooted into the very fabric of the relationship. It muddies the waters and make it hard for you to see the other person’s point of view.
In my work as a sex therapist and coach, I’ve many times heard the distancer say things like: they don’t get enough time to connect with their desire for their partner because the amount of pursuit is too intense and frequent.
It’s like they never get to feel their longing because there is a constant reminder about it. Their desire is like an overwatered garden; there’s so much that the water can’t possibly all sink in.
The pursuer usually shares things like: they don’t get enough closeness to feel satisfied because there’s too little and too much time in between. Their garden is like the soil in the desert – the water they receive is limited and when offered, doesn’t truly sink in because the soil is too dry to receive it.
This means even if a couple has a nice date night, one that includes some kissing that feels sexual but doesn’t lead to sex – none of it ever feels like it’s enough for either party. Because the pursuer distancer dynamic has been going on for such a long time.
At first glance, it may seem it’s easier to end the relationship because these patterns seem far too cemented to break.
The good news is that’s not actually the case. In fact, John Gottman’s research shows that if this dynamic isn’t dealt with – it will likely repeat itself in a new relationship.
This is why it’s important to consider the deeper issues going on here. Because it might not be an issue of compatibility but rather uncharted territory. Because you can revive your partnership and return to more of a balance. But it starts with understanding the dynamic that’s underlying everything. The one that’s getting between you and your partner.
This can be hard to do on your own (though not impossible). But the best way is usually to enlist the help of a professional who offers coaching or therapy, in order to dig deep and change the course of your relationship.
When it comes to relationship stress and anxiety, it’s really difficult to be objective. And what tends to happen over time in a pursuer distancer relationship – is that you both get resentful.
The partner who distances themselves often feels resentful of the partner pursuing them. It feels like: “if I give an inch, they’ll take a mile” or “it’s a turn off because they want sex all the time“. These thoughts can make it feel like a losing battle.
The partner pursuing feels resentment because it’s like their partner’s no longer attracted to them. They feel unloved, touch starved, and like their partner is just “being controlling or stubborn”.
When this resentment builds up over time, one of the biggest challenges becomes both being willing to step out of the roles you’re deeply cemented in.
To be heard you both need to be willing to really listen to the other. You both need to want to see your partner’s side of things and be curious about how you both changing – could make a world of difference and paradoxically; give you both what you need.
Breaking down the walls of resentment is hard – but it can be done. Especially if you enlist the help of a sex therapist and coach like myself. When we work together we help you step out of the role you’re in – into the one you deep down want to be in.
The pursuer distancer dynamic can feel impossible to break – but it’s not. If you love your partner and want to salvage your relationship, you can, but you first need to acknowledge the pattern you’re both entrenched in.
When you can see the dance you’ve been stuck in, you can start to deal with relationship stress and insecurity in a different way.
Because you’re both experiencing the same feelings – you’re just dealing with them in different ways. Ways that can be worked on, rearranged, and fundamentally changed for the better.
Once you start to understand this – the pursuer distancer pattern will lose its hold on you. From there – working on your relationship and sex life from a new dynamic will help you start to experience those butterflies again. Because it’s possible – not just for others – but for you, too.
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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