First published 21st February, 2023. Updated 20th August, 2024.
9 minute read
Whether you’re in a new or long-term relationship, a positive sexual experience requires open communication, and that can mean asking for sex.
But couples who are meant-to-be have great sex all the time and they never have to talk about it because it just happens naturally, right? Well, in most cases – you’re actually wrong (to no fault of your own!).
We’ve all been sold the idea that sex is easy in the best relationships. But it’s more of a myth about sex, than the truth. In fact, in most happy, sexually satisfied relationships, couples talk about sex. And this is backed up both by research by The Gottman Institute, as well as what I see in my work as a sex therapist and coach.
Whether you’re the person who regularly initiates sex or you’re the partner on the other side of the request – couples naturally develop habits around this part of their sex life.
And before we get into how to have those conversations about sex – how to ask for sex without pressuring or shaming your partner – we need to establish a few things.
When it comes to asking your partner for sex without pressure, guilt or shame, there are a few things you have to sort out first.
A subtle request for sex may be something as gentle as a compliment: “You smell wonderful.” Or, “You look beautiful today.”
It can also be done nonverbally, through a touch, a stroke, or by sitting close to each other and feeling your growing desire for your partner.
Subtle, non-verbal requests for sex can work really well for long-term couples. Because you grow to know what the signals mean.
Overt requests for sex are just what they sound like: would you like to have sex tonight?
But the truth is, oftentimes the style above won’t work if you’re in a relationship where you have mismatched libidos. Or you’re not really having a conversation about sex.
As a sex therapist, when I see couples with mismatched libidos, usually one of two things is going on.
First, the couple is engaged in a long argument about sex. This may not be fighting daily, but whenever sex is mentioned, there’s an elevation of tension and frustration. Perhaps even some kind of anger that is expressed or felt by one or both parties.
The other experience is the couple is in a harmonious, loving relationship. But sex and attraction have waned over time. No one is really talking about your sexless relationship, and while you both may have reached out for sex – you’re not actually having any.
If you’re the partner with more desire, you may feel deeply frustrated at the situation. And it makes sense – of course you’re feeling hurt and unwanted. You might even be feeling touch-starved at this point. Here’s where you might want to try something completely different – something unexpected.
By leading the conversation about sex with curiosity – you can create a productive conversation. One where you treat your partner with the same energy and curiosity that you did when you first started dating.
Do you remember what that was like? Before you knew all of your partner’s stories and answers. Before you’d gotten into a habit of who initiates sex and who responds.
The energy and feelings underneath curiosity are the complete opposite of assumptions and judgment.
Because curiosity asks questions – and doesn’t assume answers. It wonders without knowing what’s coming next or leaping ahead.
Now – talking about sex can be legitimately awkward. But, if you initiate a conversation about sex where the aim isn’t to end up in bed – but rather to get curious about how the other person‘s feeling about sex then you create a safe space. One where you can talk about something that otherwise can feel riddled with pressure, guilt and resentment.
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When you have this conversation, you’ll want to approach it from a team perspective. Even if you’re frustrated and angry about the situation—lashing out and saying things like, “You never want to sleep with me anymore”—likely won’t get you the response you’re looking for.
And it definitely won’t inspire more desire on your partner’s behalf. And let’s be honest – probably not on your behalf either, right?
Instead, you’ll want to consider opening the conversation by sharing that you’ve noticed that your partner doesn’t seem very interested in sex. And that you’re just wondering why that is? Or, what’s going on?
You’ll also want to understand if there’s anything you’re doing that’s adding some kind of pressure to them.
Or anything you’re doing that’s causing them to feel embarrassed or ashamed. Because you’d love to be close to them again.
You want them to understand that a huge part of why you want sex with them, is to feel the love and validation you get through sex.
And here’s what’s really important to understand: the only way your partner is going to truly “get” what you’re saying – is if you explicitly tell them.
And because they’re not mind-readers, it’s important to have the talk from a loving, honestly curious place.
This creates the opportunity for the dialogue to go in a completely different direction. One that’s not possible when the pressure and shame are being poured out.
And it will also help you actually feel close to and validated by your partner.
Because there are likely lots of reasons behind why they’re feeling pressure surrounding sex. And they might have nothing to do with you not being attractive anymore, or them not being in love anymore.
You’re a team, and you’re in this together. You can’t have sex without the other – so when you come at this from that perspective – and you’re both curious about how the other is feeling – then you can really explore what you can both do to change the situation.
Coming at it from a brainstorming and collaborative approach is what creates this safe space for conversations and sizzling sex.
This same strategy of getting curious and then exploring with your partner, “How do you want me to ask for sex without it feeling like I’m pressuring or shaming you?” will give you lots of ideas.
Not to mention – if you’ve been asking for sex in a subtle way – your partner may have missed the signals.
Because while it might be completely obvious to you what your hug means – it might not be to your partner. And this can cause you to stop the hug before they’ve even had a chance to respond.
And if you’ve been without sex in your relationship for some time, the curiosity can lead you to explore how your partner would like to start having sex again. For instance, you could ask your partner: “How can we show each other we’re interested in sex from a place of no pressure, shame or guilt?”
Once you’ve had the conversation about what’s going on underneath the surface. And once you’ve talked about how you both really feel about your sex life, and what you want – that’s when you can get more specific. You can really decide how you want sex to be asked for, or initiated, in your relationship.
There are a few ways to do this:
If shame or pressure has been a part of your sex conversation, that needs to be cleaned up. This will help you both feel less resistance and have you moving on more easily.
And this is done by getting to the heart of where the pressure and shame are coming from – with love. Because once you understand those answers, then you can work towards initiating, talking about and exploring sex. Sex that is devoid of shame and filled with excitement.
Additionally, one big reason people report feeling lots of pressure is from the constant asking to have sex from their partner.
But the thing is – this perceived constant asking of sex, often comes from a surprising reason. It’s not that your partner wants sex 24/7, it’s that they’re hoping at some point their partner will say yes. And if they just crack the code on when it works – all will work out.
Unfortunately, this usually backfires and only adds to the pressure and further decreases their partner’s desire.
The truth is there are lots of ways to ask for sex. And, it’s important for both of you to talk about what you’re comfortable trying and what you can do as a team. And sometimes, to even push yourself out of your comfort zone just a bit.
Because the routine of what we do when we have sex can sometimes be enough to cause pressure.
Even the sheets on your bed can lead instantly to feelings of anxiety because they’re linked to previous experiences. That’s why it can be tremendously helpful to try new ways of expressing yourself and asking for sex.
These new gestures may not elicit an immediate “heck yes” response from your partner. But the goal is to see what this changed pattern does over time to shame and worries about sex.
Einstein is credited with saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result. So, in that vein, trying something new is likely the best way to produce a different result—the stuff you’re longing for, which is more great sex and fun times with your partner.
By focusing on being curious first, you can turn the tides on your sex life and help alleviate pressure. You can get rid of the anxiety and guilt around sex and desire that’s been built up over time.
It’s possible and in truth – it’s what I help my clients do all of the time.
If you’re looking for expert help on how to create pressure-free, shame-free, exciting sex with your partner, my 1:1 online support program Re:Desire will help you do just that. Here’s what people are saying about Re:Desire and how it can help you and your partner have more and better sex.
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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