Originally published on August 24, 2021. Updated on May 8, 2024.
8 min read
Has your relationship gone from lustful to lackluster? You’re not alone. Lots of people find themselves in a relationship where sexual intimacy has all but disappeared. But if you want to know how to revive a relationship sexually, there’s good news – because you’re in the right place.
I’ll tell you how to rekindle intimacy and reignite a sexless relationship in three basic steps. But first — let’s define what a sexless relationship actually is and isn’t.
A sexless relationship is defined as a relationship with very little or no sex. Some experts say sexless relationships constitute 10 sexual encounters or less within a year. However, “sexless” is a subjective term and a relationship without sexual encounters isn’t a medically defined condition.
This means you get to decide what sexless means and when you feel like your relationship enters that territory or not.
It also means you get to decide whether you want to change it or not.
As a sex therapist and sex coach, a large part of those I help are in what they themselves define as sexless relationships. Sometimes both parties are suffering from low sex drive, but other times, it’s more one partner who’s lost interest in sex than the other.
Regardless of how aligned each partner’s level of desire is — it’s clear that the idea of being in a sexless relationship is stressful for both parties. And this has many reasons.
The truth of the matter is: a lot of people are in sexless relationships — whether this means they have sex once every other month, once a year, or once every other year.
It’s a normal experience. This doesn’t mean it’s an enjoyable one, but it also doesn’t have to mean anything is wrong with you or your relationship.
If you want to know how to revive your relationship sexually, you first need to understand what’s causing the lack of sex.
There are lots of reasons people why couples stop having sex. These range from psychological factors like depression, anxiety, and negative body image, to relationship factors like irritation and conflict.
Even more circumstantial factors such as having a newborn baby, losing your job, or working hard to meet a deadline at your workplace — can all affect how much you feel like prioritising sex and having sex.
But relationships without sex aren’t just a result of experiencing low sex drive. Sometimes we kind of end up in “the friend zone” within our own romantic relationship. Even if it’s a loving and committed one.
One reason this happens is because both parties (or as is common, one party) feel like sex has turned into a chore. They no longer equate it with pleasure and intimacy, instead they relate it to pressure and stress.
If this sounds like you or your partner, know it’s common and that it doesn’t have to stay this way.
A few questions to ask yourself, if you experience pressure and stress surrounding sex are:
Sometimes, the answer to the last question reveals the most important information, namely whether you want to work on your sex life or not.
How to revive your sexless relationship hinges on whether you want to revive it or not. You can’t get in the mood if you don’t want to want to get in the mood.
Whether you want to spark more passion or not, you need to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about what is going on.
Talk about:
When you’re talking about the above, keep in mind that it’s not uncommon for emotions to run high.
Sex is a sensitive subject and it’s not like we learned how to talk about sex in school or from our parents.
As you tread this sensitive ground together, a tip to keep in mind to make sure it doesn’t veer into conflict territory is to talk about the positives, too.
You can bring up things like:
When you combine an open and frank conversation about sex with the positives about your relationship — you ensure a better, more fruitful discussion. For more tips, you can read my blog post on how to talk to your partner about sex.
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
When you know what’s causing the lack of sexual intimacy and how you both feel about it, your next step is to work out what to do about it. This is where you get practical about how to reignite your sexless relationship. If you know you both want to work on getting some of that spark back, you’ll want to change your approach to sex.
You see, how to revive your sex life has a lot to do with how you look at sexual desire. If you believe it should come spontaneously, no matter how long you’ve been together, you probably won’t see much improvement.
This is because sex drive is so much more complicated than our other drives. It requires effort. If you actively start taking steps to ensure sex happens – you’ll be able to get that sexual intimacy back.
This might look like:
See what happens if you can make a romantic move during lunchtime, nap time for the kids, or in the morning, when you’ve had a good night’s rest.
If you can’t get on the same page about working on your sexual relationship, it may be a good idea to seek couples therapy or sex therapy. Getting the help of a relationship or sex therapist can be a great way of moving forward. A neutral third party can often diffuse the situation and offer possible solutions. Solutions you probably wouldn’t have thought of yourself and that can make a world of difference (even when it feels hopeless!).
Losing the spark happens for many reasons; we stop prioritizing sex, suffer from low libido, or feel like sex is a chore. If you want to rekindle your sex life, it’s important to take it in three steps:
However, how to bring the spark back into your sexless relationship might be more complicated than this because your relationship with sex can be complicated. If you feel like you need more than just a few quick tips — you want and need the full solution, my online program Re:Desire is right for you.
Re:Desire is an in-depth online course that helps you create stress-free sex and intimacy.Based on sexological science, coaching & psychotherapeutic tools, and my extensive experience as a sex therapist and coach – it’s the best way to change your relationship with sex for the long haul. Read more about the program here and put yourself on the path towards stress-free, pressure-free, shame-free sex and intimacy today.
You’re not alone! Download the 10-page Desire Test to find out why your desire for sex is gone (and what to do about it).
Questions based on a variety of factors proven to negatively affect desire
Find out which factors are responsible for your low or non-existent sex drive
Get instant access to expert advice, delivered directly to your inbox when you download The Desire Test. Unsubscribe anytime.
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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