8 minute read
Ever felt like you and your partner are speaking two different languages? Well – you very well might be. When you feel misunderstood and like your partner just doesn’t get you, it might be a question of speaking different love languages.
And if your sex life feels out of tune too – you may be speaking different sexual love languages, as well.
But don’t fret, just cause you’re different it doesn’t mean this is the beginning of the end. Learning to understand and love each other through your preferred love languages is both possible and kind of fun, too!
In their most basic form, love languages are how we as human beings both express and receive love. They were created by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The 5 Love Languages” and they include:
These languages are like communication channels, through which you convey your feelings to your partner.
The brilliance of love languages is that they demonstrate how differently people experience feeling loved by their partner.
They also show how love is multifaceted; there isn’t just one way everyone likes to feel loved. Rather – we’re all different and thus all have different preferences, too.
Our preferred ways of being love sometimes stem from childhood and the way our parents showed us (or didn’t show us), love. This in turn can cause a person to want love from their partner in a specific way. Some preferences are also closely tied to your personality, or insecurities you might have.
For instance, words of affirmation about your body might be directly linked to an insecurity you have regarding your body. Whereas acts of service might show in how your partner’s ability to help you balance the mental load make you feel the most cared for.
But while love languages are deceivingly simple, it’s important to note that most of us have several love languages (and they’re not always contained to the 5 original ones!).
A lot of people have both a primary and a secondary love language, and some feel like they all fit the bill. Just as with everything in love – love languages and how we relate to them are subjective.
The great thing about learning to understand how your partner loves – is that you can significantly improve your relationship. Just like with verbal communication, fluency in your partner’s love language can lead to a more fulfilling and exciting relationship.2
For couples who understand their respective love languages, yet still experience challenges in the bedroom – it might be a question of misunderstanding your sexual love languages.
Because even if you indulge in “Quality Time” with your partner by making time for a date night or putting your phones in the other room while having dinner together – this might not translate to what you’re doing in the bedroom if you’re always having quickies.
For some people, their love languages are similar to their sexual love languages. Verbal appreciation both in and out of the bedroom is equally important – for others, they’re not one and the same.
Sexual love languages are the ways in which you enjoy being sexual and the roles that sex can fulfil for you.
This includes all aspects of sex:
Your sexual love languages, just like your general love languages, might very well differ, even if you’re in a happy relationship. And just as with love languages – the sexual ones can be closely linked to who you are as a person. If you like being in control in life, you might enjoy being in control and feeling empowered during sex.
If you’re pretty relaxed in life and go with the flow, you might not have any particular sexual desires that you want fulfilled – rather you’re happy to oblige your partner with what they want and need.
You don’t necessarily choose your sexual love languages. But they might not be set in stone either – they can change over time and throughout your relationship. As with everything sexual – it’s in constant fluctuation. Just because you liked one thing 19 years ago – it doesn’t mean you like it as much today.
There are lots of different theories about sexual love languages – the ones that exist and how they manifest, and why they come about. For instance, some talk about the sexual love languages as:
Others might include more categories. The important thing to note is that you and your partner might have different sexual love languages – and that this can sometimes be the root of sexual and general conflict.
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
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If you don’t know your partner’s sexual love language or haven’t discussed your possible differences in sexual preferences – it can lead to pretty unsatisfying sex – and a relationship on the rocks.
Because you not only might have different ways of getting in the mood for sex – but you might also enjoy different kinds of sex altogether.
And let’s be honest for a second – trying to find a way to bring these differences together can be a real challenge. The good news is that there’s lots you can do to bridge the gap, and even marry your differences.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that one love language and one sexual love language is inherently better than another. This is especially true as our culture often dictates what’s better than the rest; for instance in some social circles, if you enjoy getting gifts you might be seen as “greedy” or “superficial” because it’s not perceived as deep as quality time or acts of service.
Looking at sexual love languages, it’s sometimes deemed “better” to have a romantic profile compared to a kinky profile, as there’s a lot of stigma attached to practices such as BDSM.
However – there’s nothing correct or incorrect about love languages – sexual or otherwise. Nor is there anything wrong with having a different one than our partner.
Mainstream media should never dictate what a healthy relationship or sexuality looks like – the only opinion that matters is yours (and your partner’s!).
When it comes to differences in your relationship, whether sexual or otherwise, it’s hard to get around having a conversation about them. Because if you don’t talk – how can you brainstorm a solution together?
And if you don’t talk – how can you even know what your partner wants and needs from you?
While talking about our differences is rarely an opportunity we jump at – it’s important to do it nonetheless. If you don’t you risk growing apart over time. Chatting about your love languages and sexual love languages will increase the opportunities for a really great, intimate bond.
If you’re struggling with how to talk about your differences, pulling up an article like this one, can be a great way to broach the topic. This way you both have the same information at hand when you start having the convo.
When you talk about your differences make sure to talk about what they are, as well as finding any possible similarities. Next, create a plan for how to make sure you’re both engaging in one another’s preferred sexual love language.
One important thing to consider especially when it comes to sexual love languages is that you should never engage in something for your partner’s sake if it make you feel incredibly uncomfortable. Being a little nervous is always okay, but at the end of the day, if you prefer candles and the missionary position, while your partner wants whips and rope – you might want to consider seeing a sex therapist about how to marry your differences. Because it’s possible to do – but it can be hard on your own.
When talking about how to act in ways according to your partner’s love language – be as specific as possible.
You might know what “Words of Affirmation” entail – but without examples, you risk your partner missing the mark and therefore not getting what you actually desire.
Because if your partner believes you want to hear how attractive you are – when you actually want to be praised for the work you do – you’re both going to feel frustrated over time. Just as with food – the specifics make a big difference to a dish, as do specifics when it comes to love languages and sex, too!
While the concept of love languages and sexual love languages may seem quite simple at first glance – it can get complex quite quickly.
You may find that you’re struggling as a couple to ever be in the mood for sex at the same time.
Or you may feel like the sex you’re having is more fulfilling to one partner’s love language than the other partners.
Perhaps you find that you’re constantly giving a lot to your partner to meet their sexual love language – but they’re not working to meet your needs.
Or you’re constantly arguing and you both feel like you’re never enough and that everything you do is wrong.
These are all signs that it’s time to seek out help. Because while it may not be a threat to your relationship just yet – over time you risk creating a disconnect that turns into a major divide.
A sex therapist or a sex coach can help you work on both the relationship side of things and the sexual side of things. So you can step out of feeling like something is wrong – and into feeling like everything is so dam right. Because there was a reason you fell for each other in the beginning – and you can connect to that again!
Want to desire your partner again? My online program Re:Desire is a 5-phase experience dedicated to helping you and your partner have more and better sex. It draws on my years of experience as a sex therapist and coach, and my Master of Science in Sexology – to help you finally have a stress-free sex life!
You’re not alone! Download the 10-page Desire Test to find out why your desire for sex is gone (and what to do about it).
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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