Sex drive seldom just happens. It’s the relationship between all of our core emotions and how we deal with them that determines how much we feel like sex. By changing the way you look at sexual desire, from a drive to one of the emotions of sex, you can ignite your fire again.
What we used to think of as a drive (hence the phrase sex drive) is now seen as more of an emotion. An emotion which, just like any other, can be affected both positively and negatively.
There are lots of feelings, but according to emotions expert Tomkins, when stripped down to their core, there are really only nine. These are:
joy
interest
surprise
anger
sadness
shame and guilt
fear/worry
disgust, and
dissmell (a term coined by Tomkins)
As you can see, Tomkins didn’t believe sexual desire was one of our core emotions. But I’m sure many of you, like me, would say that desire is something we definitely feel, just as we feel all other emotions.
When our libido is ignited, desire is felt with every fibre of our being – urging us to engage in sexual activity, be it with a partner(s) or on our own.
When we’re doing #allthethings to get our sex drive back (trying new positions, scheduling sex, and working out) and none of it is a success – going back to basics is important.
This means checking in with yourself and how you’re feeling.
Why is this important? Because it’s often the relationship between our core emotions that determines what we feel – and this is true of sexual desire, as well.
For example:
joy is a feeling that urges us toward positive connection with other people and because of this, happiness can often spark sexual desire
anger is a feeling that arises when we need to set boundaries – and boundary-setting seldom leads to desire. This is because desire is about connection and boundaries are about distance.
My free resource Manual For Emotions gives you the tools needed to understand the connection between sex and emotions and feel better.
Learn about the connection between sex and emotions and how to deal with difficult emotions in this 6-page long resource, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
To better understand the relationship between your overall feelings and you feeling like you do not want to have sex, you can do a quick emotional inventory. This exercise contains two of our core feelings and will help you determine what might be blocking your emotion of desire.
Anger/irritation:
Anger or irritation is an important feeling as it helps us establish boundaries and protect ourselves. However, both the emotion in itself and how we deal with it, can affect sexual desire negatively.
Use the following questions to suss out how you’ve been feeling lately and coping with irritation.
On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the most annoyed), how annoyed have you been in your love relationship(s) this past week?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how annoyed have you been in your other relationships this past week (friends, family, work/school)?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how annoyed have you been with life in general this past week?
On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being whenever needed, 1. being not at all), how much have you established boundaries or talked about the situation at hand, when you’ve been annoyed this past week?
If you scored high on irritation and low on setting boundaries or talking about irritation – this might be one of the reasons behind why your sexual desire has changed..
Dealing with complex emotions isn’t always easy. My free resource, A Manual For Emotions, is a good place to start if you want to understand your feelings better and get help dealing with them.
Communication in the relationship – be it romantic, friendship, or a professional one, is important.
Mental health professionals can help you work on these skills and how to cope with anger and irritation in a constructive manner.
Joy:
Sometimes neglected – joy is one of our most important emotions of sex. This emotion is all about connecting with others and being able to experience pleasure. Because of this, it’s important to do a quick check in with yourself on how happy you’ve been lately.
On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the happiest), how happy and fulfilled have you felt in your love relationship(s) this past week?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy and fulfilled have you felt in your other relationships this past week (friends, family, work/school)?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy have you been with life in general this past week?
Feeling down or experiencing depression affects us deeply. If you find yourself scoring low on happiness, this may be one of the reasons you’re experiencing low or no sex drive.
Ask yourself why you believe you’re feeling this way – has something happened lately that’s weighing you down? Are you more anxious than normal? Have you been neglecting self-care?
What can you do to increase overall joy? Think small: what can you do with only 10 minutes to make yourself happier?
Your libido likely needs more than strawberry-flavoured lube and new positions to get going. A rampant sex drive isn’t just a question of hormones and biology – it exists in the space between all of our core emotions and how they relate to one another.
By checking in with yourself and all of the emotions of sex, you can start to put the pieces together and increase desire.
You’re not alone! Download the 10-page Desire Test to find out why your desire for sex is gone (and what to do about it).
Questions based on a variety of factors proven to negatively affect desire
Find out which factors are responsible for your low or non-existent sex drive
Get instant access to expert advice, delivered directly to your inbox when you download The Desire Test. Unsubscribe anytime.
WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE DESIRE TEST?
With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
Copyright © 2019-2024 Leigh Norén. All Rights Reserved. | Website by Pinegate Road
Cookie policy | Terms & Conditions | Privacy Policy
Cookie | Duration | Description |
---|---|---|
cookielawinfo-checbox-analytics | 11 months | This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics". |
cookielawinfo-checbox-functional | 11 months | The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional". |
cookielawinfo-checbox-others | 11 months | This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other. |
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary | 11 months | This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary". |
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance | 11 months | This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance". |
viewed_cookie_policy | 11 months | The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data. |