10 minute read
When you’re never in the mood for sex it can make you feel like it will always be this way. However, as a sex therapist & coach specializing in low and no sex drive – I can tell you that the truth is… you’re not doomed. There are lots of ways to get that fire going again. Even if you’re unsure you even want to get it going right now!
A common sex therapist tip to help you start wanting sex again is to have it – even if you’re not feeling horny. And while this can work wonders for some – for others, forcing yourself to have sex in order to cross it off your list can have the opposite effect. It can make you feel even more turned off than turned on.
The truth is – there are good reasons on both sides of the fence. These reasons will ultimately help you decide whether this is a strategy you want to try out or not.
If you’re really tired from the go-go-go of life – it makes sense you’re not in the mood for sex at the end of the day. However, this is a time when having sex in order to jumpstart your libido can be really successful.
Because if we’re being honest, waiting for a time when you won’t be tired will probably leave you waiting a long time (if not forever!).
And as long as it’s not exhaustion – tiredness doesn’t have to stop you from having sex. In fact, some couples find that engaging in a sex date when they’re tired can fuel them and their relationship – with more energy. Because they’re reminded of what it’s like to love sex again.
For you, the space in your mind between having sex and how busy you are is something you want to change. You still find your partner attractive and there’s a fondness there for past sexual experiences, encouraging you to want to want sex again.
Even with feeling tired by life, the desire to want to feel your desire again – is your motivator.
You want those butterflies in your stomach again. You want to feel excited about your partner touching you. And in that case, having sex when your body isn’t spontaneously calling you to do so – may just increase desire. This can lead to more sex and more loved-up feelings.
If you resonate with this idea, then you likely enjoy sex when you have it – you just haven’t been having it and that’s caused you to forget what it’s like.
Enjoyable sex is a good enough reason to try out having sex when you’re not in the mood in order to get in the mood. Because if you’re able to stay present for it and allow the feelings to build, you’re simply giving your body and your mid the gentle nudge it needs to sink into a pleasurable experience. THis way sex becomes satisfying even if it’s planned, and it increases your desire to have more sex in the future, too.
If sex isn’t worthwhile – and you’re hoping to get in the mood by having more sex – this strategy will likely backfire every time. This is because you’re only further reinforcing to your body that sex isn’t a good time.
Your body is wise. When sex isn’t enjoyable it will do whatever it can to protect you from a future undesirable experience – effectively reducing the little desire you have left for sex.
This is the experience people have when they feel “in their heads” about sex or during sex. Maybe you find yourself thinking about the kids or the laundry. Perhaps you feel like your body is just going through the motions, and it doesn’t feel much of anything. In psychology this is what we call ‘dissociation’ and it’s your body’s way to help you to not experience something you actually don’t want to experience anyway. If you feel unable to be present fully during sex, having it when you’re not in the mood is not going to increase desire to have more sex (nor make you feel good in general).
You’re “giving” in in order to stop your partner from whining about how you never have sex.
Some couples have very different libidos. In fact, as a sex therapist specializing in sexual desire I would say it’s more common than not! When one wants lots of sex and the other doesn’t, it’s easy for the lower-desire partner to feel nagged into having sex they don’t want. Sometimes, this leads to you “giving in” in order to stop your partner from badgering you about having sex again.
People give in to simply stop their partner from asking or badgering them for sex.
While it may seem like a short-term solution that works – in the long-term it only adds fuel to the resentment fire. And it becomes increasingly difficult for you to feel actual desire for your partner again. Sometimes, it even leads to feelings of non-consent surrounding sex which is dangerous territory for anyone or any couples to find themselves in. In this case, seeking out a sex therapist is paramount.
The science on having sex when you’re not in the mood is pretty clear-cut. If you’re having sex to avoid something negative – it only fuels the fire. However, if you’re having sex in order to gain a positive – it can work like a charm and have a positive effect on your overall interest in sex.
While it may be tempting to “give in” in order to please a sexually demanding partner – it’s important to avoid doing this for several reasons.
When you get caught in a negative loop where you start to prioritize your partner’s desires and wants over your own (in order to avoid a negative outcome) – instead of honouring your own wants, desires and boundaries – it’s a slippery slope. And one that’s important to course-correct as soon as possible which is where the services of a sex therapist or a sex coach become invaluable.
My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire.
Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.
Aside from the potential negativity loop, having sex more often can actually make you want it more often. But again – the success of a strategy like this hinges on the nuances. Because it can only truly work if your reasons for having sex are to gain a positive; either one for you or your partner.
For instance, you may not be in the mood for sex yourself but if your partner is, you may want to show them love by engaging in sexual pleasure. Or perhaps you want to have sex in order to kick-start your desire again by reminding your body and mind that sex is actually pleasurable
If you’ve been struggling with low desire for months or years – you’ve likely slipped into an unconscious pattern of not wanting it. Contrary to popular belief this kind of thing happens all of the time and usually has its’ roots in lots of different factors.
For some people, the pattern emerged after the relationship got serious.
While sex initially was hot and heavy during the infatuation phase – as things slowed down and you moved into the “falling in love” and “attachment phase”, your desire for sex cooled off.
As the phases above suggest – this is par for the course for a lot of couples. It only really becomes a problem when the sex stops altogether and you miss the closeness you used to share (and perhaps the sex you used to have, too).
Other couples experience this after they moved in together. When the familiarity and safety that we crave as couples, starts to turn into overfamiliarity and a loss of excitement.
When familiarity replaces desire and you feel more like best friends than lovers – it’s easy for the quick pace of life to take over and further plummet our desire.
This kind of pattern, while common, can be hard to break without dedicated effort.
And of course, finally, when one person in a relationship wants sex more than the other, it can become increasingly difficult. For a lot of couples, this quickly develops into a pursuer-distancer pattern – where the more you pull back from sex, the more your partner pursues you in hopes of more sex.
From childbirth to menopause, to every other hormonal and medical factor out there – sometimes there are biological reasons we don’t want sex. Because not every habituated pattern is a psychological one in nature! Health challenges and medications can have negative impacts on sexual pleasure and sex drive.
However, the tricky part when biological and medical factors are causes of low libido in women and causes of low libido in men is that, as time moves on, they’re seldom the only cause.
This means a root cause of low desire might be biological – but it’s maintained even long after the biological cause is dealt with. This is because other reasons, such as psychological or relational – take over and cause a pattern.
Maybe you no longer feel as attractive and sexy as you used to. Or perhaps you’re experiencing anxiety, depression or overwhelm that is taking a toll on your sexual desire.
If you don’t feel close to your partner anymore or you’re experiencing relationship insecurity of some kind, this too can have negative impacts on your sex life. And perhaps the most insidious thing about low desire is that once it’s become a cemented pattern – it can be hard to get out of it without doing something proactively.
As discussed above, there are many reasons why you may not feel in the mood for sex anymore. While it can feel disheartening and like it means something is seriously wrong – that doesn’t have to be the case.
By understanding what’s going on underneath the surface and examining all the factors at play – you can start to see if a pattern has emerged. Sometimes, we’re in a season of life where this kind of pattern is okay. It doesn’t pose a threat to our relationship or our sense of selves – but other times it does. At the end of the day – it’s up to you to decide if you want to do something about it.
Having sex should never be an obligation or something you do just because “everyone else does it”.
However, when you find yourself asking these questions, it’s usually a sign you need to explore what’s going on. So you can reach a conclusion about working on it or leaving it be.
While the science may say having sex when you’re not in the mood works – it truly is not a one-size-fits-all prescription for low desire. In fact, having sex to stop nagging or pressure surrounding sex often further decreases desire (the opposite of what you’re usually hoping to achieve!).
Desire is personal. And if your desire is not where you want it to be (and you want to change this) – I’m here to help you with your sexual health.
You’re not alone! Download the 10-page Desire Test to find out why your desire for sex is gone (and what to do about it).
Questions based on a variety of factors proven to negatively affect desire
Find out which factors are responsible for your low or non-existent sex drive
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With 8 years of experience as a sex therapist and coach - Leigh helps her clients create stress-free, shame-free, pressure-free sex lives, through her unique combination of sexological science, & psychotherapeutic & coaching tools.
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